Mourning?

why? Ok so T is away this week...I have no therapy...this time I feel on a daily basis that something is missing...I'm irritable when around other people because its just a reminder that they "are not her"!...maybe this is how it was as a baby when given to another mother....it reminds me even more that she/they are not the one I am mourning...I guess we can only mourne those that "we" care about? ...what does a healthy caring relationship entail? to me caring means loss and rejection and pain and confusion.....should I ask T whether she cares about me?...but what is her idea of "care"?...I want to isolate because then I don't have to feel that cold alien feeling whenever I look into a strangers face....I don't like strangers...I only want to be around people I care about.....I feel like my lifeblood is draining out of me everytime I think of the absence of T..I miss that something we have in our room..that feeling of care/warmth/regard/safety/selfworth...what if she isn't even aware of me while shes not here?...this time I am allowing myself as so slightly to imagine her existing even though I am not there....before she only existed if I oculd see her...shes out there somewhere I Know...but the distance between is to far for me to bridge just yet....I need to be close enought to hold my end of the rope...I can't when I don't see her...I feel like I've dropped my end of the rope and am sitting on the shore with my knees up and my head buried in my knees feeling the loss adn the tide is going futher and futher out...it is..it is...it is...

i would like to sit beside you if that would be ok? until your T comes back. because she will. she will come back for you.

Mouse, think of your children and their experiences. That's more "normal" for other people. They cry/cried and are/were upset when you would leave but "adjusted." We don't adjust so well yet because of our backgrounds. I use to remind myself of other, "well-adjusted" I knew when I was upset and missing my T. It's kind of like a form of grounding. You know how when someone you know/love dies and the world keeps going on and you are amazed? It's like that only most people haven't just lost someone or don't have their T away. The other "knowledge" of how it "actually" is doesn't help how I feel under the circumstances but does help me feel a bit more sane. I have some hope that I'll grow into the other type of person who isn't so traumatized and upset when people I love are away. The hope gives me a bit of satisfaction. When we went to the shore when I was 6 I'd run into the water and couldn't understand why the adults didn't but now I'm adult and have different feelings so know I won't always feel like I do now either.

biiv, thank you that was kind.

Perna, yup I know for non trumatised folk they wouldnt feel the absence so deeply or rather I should say they could contain the feelings better. Funny that just compounds my grief a little more feeling that I am not containing and managing as well as "joe average". Normally I think ahead to T's return, this time I seem unable to do that. I think this is because I'm feeling the absensce at a more deeper level and its demanding my attention. It won't be "hidden" away as much now by promises of T's return. I do have moments where I think "hey I've been ok for the last couple of hours or so" that does amaze me. I am also begining to realise just how much there is in the relationship now. Its not just me there is "her" as well. OH I don't know what I mean, I';m just rambling, shoot me or something

Mouse,

One of our other members said she bought a small stuffed animal and her t sprayed her perfume on it. That way, she can smell the perfume and feel close to her t while she's away. I know it won't help you right now, but maybe you could do something like that for the next time your t needs to take a trip.

I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,

Jan

i think attachment is meant to take time... can't remember when it emerges... i think it is the time when kids start having the 'stranger danger' thing. is that around one year of age? something like that. Schore (sorry to go on) thinks that there are these moments of attunement... and that forms the basis for the kind of attachment that develops (secure, avoidant and so on). he also thinks that abandonment doesn't have to be physical going away. one can be physically present but still abandoning because the absense of emotional attunement can be experienced as an abandoning.

i'm sorry things are hard for you right now. when my t went away i was feeling kinda lonly and vulnerable and afraid too. i don't have much object constancy...

can you remember her smile and her voice and stuff like that? can you remember it in a soothing way? sometimes that can help. to have imaginary conversations with your t. transitional object is a cool idea. really cool. i have t's email address :-) not that i'd ever use it. but the point is it is handwriting. that means a lot to me for some reason. one t made me a relaxation tape once. and she used to let me tape sessions. listening to them really helped. sometimes... other times not... just seems to make it hurt worse.

sorry... i don't know what to say

(((mouse)))