Do I need to go to hospital? - please help

Not sure why I'm making a thread at all, I suppose because I don't want to tell anyone in 'real' life but I want to tell somebody. Trying to get up the courage to leave my apartment and go to the emergency room of a hospital in London that has a good reputation for dealing with suicidal people. But I am so terrified in case I'm just absolving responsibility and that I should be able to deal with this myself

I genuinely feel I can't count on my ability to keep myself safe anymore, last night was the same but I took more pills than ever before and it finally knocked me out. Now it's worn off and I'm in the same position.

I feel like 10% of me wants to live and is devastated at how close I'm coming to grabbing the drugs and taking the overdose - this is what is frightening me, all suicidal thoughts before have focused on refining my plan, thinking about taking the first step of the plan (booking the hotel room) and while that is horrible it just goes on a loop of that. But this time it's different. I keep having intense urges to just do it right now, in my own room. It's disgusting but in those minutes the fact that my poor roommate would discover me doesn't even factor. Stupid, stupid things like looking at my clothes hanging up make me feel sick and set off a fierce impulse to do it right now. Right now. Because nothing can get better. The thought of the next hour makes me panic let alone years of this feeling.

I'm quite sure if somebody else described this to me, I would try to get them to go to hospital. But I'm hesitating because I think that 10% that is horrified at what I'm thinking/feeling/doing should be enough to keep control and keep me safe. Except it doesn't feel like that. I don't know if I can maintain control.

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time-I've been there, and it is excruciating. If there is any doubt that you can keep yourself safe-if you think there is a chance that you might act on a suicidal urge, then yes, absolutely, you MUST go to the hospital.

Is there any way for you to text or call your T? I know when I've been in a really dark place, getting in touch with my T and creating a plan has helped keep me out of the hospital and safe for the day or night.

Please feel free to PM me-if I can be of any help, I am here.

Keep reminding yourself that these thoughts, feelings and urges DO and WILL pass-but they are hideous to weather while you are in them.

Stay safe.

I'm sorry things are so rough right now.

Can you call your therapist? Maybe she could help talk you through this and decide whether to go to the hospital?

Please take care of yourself. Go to the hospital or speak with your T if you are able to. Stay safe. Xxx

Definitely doubting I can stay safe And suppose I can, by taking the rest of the medication and drinking a bottle of vodka to make me sleep tonight, they only come back again the next day or a few days later. I also don't want to risk a pill and vodka cocktail as I have a physical health condition that makes that more dangerous than it already is. Ironic that I can be concerned about not dying from that yet in another way every atom of my being is telling me that topping myself is the wisest choice for me now. I guess it's probably because I'm such a control freak I want it all on my terms.

I did leave my therapist a voicemail and a text yesterday when it was bad, before the medication doped me up, which she'll find on Tuesday after the weekend. I told her I thought I needed to go to hospital. At the time I thought it might have helped to connect with her, but really I know nothing is able to help except maybe some proper medication. All it shows is that she is not in fact available for emergency situations on the weekends like she said, not that it even matters because whatever's wrong with me is too wide and too deep to be soothed by a quick call with anyone. Relationships are beyond me, I want people and then I can't bear the proximity, because I'm always aware that I have no solid foundation, and the light social interactions are all I have and they are never enough. I mean I ignored my friends today and made excuses last night because I couldn't face them. I knew being around them would be unbearable even though they are nice, fun people.

If you are really in doubt that you can stay safe (and it sounds like you very much are)-then please go to the hospital as soon as possible-i.e. NOW.

I am going to go. Feeling very nauseous though so going to have a cup of tea and wait for that to pass, the last thing I want is to throw up all over the tube.

Good, I'm so glad that you are going to go and get the care you need and deserve.

Can you take a cab instead of the tube?

Ok. Just make sure you stay safe. We care about you and don't want you to hurt yourself.

A cab is about the equivalent of fifty dollars, too much when I have a weekly travel pass for all public transport. I think having to negotiate the journey might possibly be a good thing - focusing on something practical as a distraction. I was too scared to do it sedated last night but have a clear head tonight.

Thank you all for replying xx

Oh ffs I give up, I can't do it. Can't leave the house by myself to make the journey. Scared of everything.

:/ bE safe ok?

IG, please call 911 or whatever the emergency code is in your country to send an ambulance. it sounds like you need help asap. there is nothing wrong with needing help. we all need help at times.

The cab fare is worth it. Please stay safe!!!

I can't go, I just can't. I can't sit there for four or five hours on my own in the emergency room full of hustle and bustle with drunk people and families and couples etc, it's like a crystallization of how alone I am. I'll end up walking out if I go. I spend so much time in hospitals in general and I don't think I can cope with the hospital environment when I'm like this, it will reinforce how hopeless it all is.

I can't do it alone anymore. I can't face all my ****. The best option is to aim for distraction and hope I can go back to how good I was at dissocciation and ploughing on before. **** therapy for ruining those survival skills on me. I have zero support in real life and I;m just worse off now.

It was csa flashbacks that started this particular sh#tstorm off There is no way back from that. My whole life is a waste. Always has been, a stupid stupid waste.

Talk it out with lifenet. Let them as assess and take care of you, ease some of the burden. It's difficult to check yourself in.

We don't have lifenet (assuming that's a hotline?) in the UK, but thank you for the suggestion.

I don't know your T, but I'm feeling very angry at her/his lack of an after hours emergency plan. Really?
IG, I'm sorry she/he has left you to handle emergencies like this!

Ah, it's not her fault. We've never broached the topic of an emergency plan - all the times I have talked about suicide I have been clear I know it is my responsibility to get myself to hospital if it ever gets that bad. Wary of talking too much about it with her I suppose because it was after I'd been banging on about ideation for a while that she lost it at me ages ago and we had the rupture (which is fixed now) and recently she has told me pretty frankly she thinks I will kill myself if I move home or will spend my life trying. So it;s old news. The thing is with suicide, you have to want to not do it for yourself, nobody else can get rid of the urge for you can they.

Please be safe!