[growlithing]

I know I annoy people with asking for help then fighting with them or shooting everything down. If you think that's annoying, just imagine what it's like in my own head and I'm never going to be able to find a therapist because of it. I can't do it. And LCM will leave me because she said she would if I don't have a real T and then my life is over because I'll get put back into the hospital, my parents will stop paying for school (they said they will not pay for it if I get hospitalized again), and I'll be homeless and dead.

I was searching online for a female therapist that accepts my insurance, specializes in trauma, and is public transport accessible. I got about 40 hits just on one website.

Every damn time I click on someone, I go through this thing where I question why I clicked that one. I tell myself I'm picking which ones to read about for superficial reasons. That one was attractive and that's a bad reason to read more. That one was deliberately unattractive which is equally dumb to judge her solely off of being not particularly attractive. This one I must have only selected because we have the same zip code and I am obviously so lazy that I would sacrifice quality for less walking distance but how do I even know she is bad? I can't just select the one at the top of the page because she probably just paid more to be there. This one has almost the same name as LCM which is weird because her name is weird to begin with and that would be weird to have two.

Then I find a few that seem fine. Little burby thing reads well. Why am I judging off of a blurb? How do I know I'm judging well? And AHJHHH I CAN'T DO THIS.

I feel like finding a therapist requires some level of trusting yourself which I can't seem to get at all. I don't know how to get myself to stop doubting my own ability to know how to make a reasonable decision for myself. It's because I never make good decisions for myself. I'm a clueless idiot.

Then on another level, I imagine the T asking me why I picked her and then having to indicate that I might be interested in knowing her which might be true but I don't want her to know that I found any likable traits about her until after she's earned it. Just calling is giving away that I'm interested.

I'm not saying that I'm not gonna do it. I just don't know how to stop getting in my own damn way.

[ThisWayOut]

Stop. Breathe.
We pick t's for various reasons. When I was trying to find a t several years ago via insurance, at first I clicked on the pages of people whose names I lined better than others, then I read through the bios, then I went back and picked closer ones. In the end, I called maybe 50 people and only got a few favorable responses.
Try selecting whomever appeals to you (probably the bio would be a good weed-out), and just make somecalls. Talk to them. Maybe do an initial consult if they offer free ones.
And remember to breathe.

[HazelGirl]

How about just making a few appointments with a few different ones and then just showing up? There are probably several out there that could work very well for you, but the only way you will really know that is by making an appointment.

[DelusionsDaily]

Growli: you'll get it done. It's difficult picking out healthcare providers(ie:T). It may take some time but you will find someone.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

How about just making a few appointments with a few different ones and then just showing up? There are probably several out there that could work very well for you, but the only way you will really know that is by making an appointment.

Because that would cost money and I'd have to show up. No but really I just don't even know what ones to try

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Because that would cost money and I'd have to show up. No but really I just don't even know what ones to try

You could try all 40 if you wanted, you know. Most will give some sort of an interview or intro session for free, maybe a shorter one or a phone interview. Just ask and see what you come up with.

[JaneTennison1]

Some T's are willing to do a phonecall first before you set anything up. A phonecall isn't the best way of knowing but it's better than nothing.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Some T's are willing to do a phonecall first before you set anything up. A phonecall isn't the best way of knowing but it's better than nothing.

I'm beyond terrified of phonecalls. I need to call some on Tuesday I guess. I could call some today and leave a message without thinking about it to get it over with, but then I'd be flooded with phone calls which would make me more nervous.

Maybe I can at least get LCM to tell me what to say. She won't want to do that though. Maybe just have her read a loose script that I write.

[Salmon77]

Seems like the reasons you're listing for seeking a therapist right now all have to do with what other people demand from you. Like therapy is being imposed on you rather than chosen by you, so you're finding reasons not to do it. Maybe if you think more about the issues that you yourself want/need to address, it will be clearer who might be able to help you with those things.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Seems like the reasons you're listing for seeking a therapist right now all have to do with what other people demand from you. Like therapy is being imposed on you rather than chosen by you, so you're finding reasons not to do it. Maybe if you think more about the issues that you yourself want/need to address, it will be clearer who might be able to help you with those things.

Honestly? I don't want to work on anything. I don't want to go through the struggle of bringing up all of that crap again. I don't want to talk about feelings or risk remembering more or uncover depressing truths about myself or any of that. I know I need to. That's not even just LCM imposing that. I know I have to in order just to be a functioning adult and get what I want in life. I'm not sure I can do it but I know I have to try.

I am finding reasons not to do it at some level because I really don't want to subject myself to that, I hate awkward beginnings to relationships, I really really really do not want to call one person let alone 50 people, and it just seems like a ton of work.

I might have my friend force me to call three on Tuesday before lunch. She'd come to my room and make me do it if I asked her to. But I also need to just make myself do it.

[A Red Panda]

Do any on the list have email addresses which you can contact them by? If so... write up a generic letter, and go right down the list and copy/paste that email to each and every one who has an email address. It'll be the same letter, so you won't have to spend time personalizing them or rewriting the same things. And you'll see how they respond to you which will hopefully give a more clear view of who you might be compatiable with.

You could also write down a list of questions/things you want to say before hand. Like.. list off some of the things that you want to work on (mother issues for one? you've mentioned before having bad eating habits that you wanted to improve didn't you? self-esteem, etc). You could also ask them questions about their style of therapy - are they open to email communication, do they share some self-disclosure or not, etc.

You could use the list to have with you for phone calls and emails too. Pick a few priorities of things you really need to know if they're capable of helping you with, and some things that will help you know if they have a sort of style that you might be comfortable with. Then when you get nervous, you can just read the list.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Do any on the list have email addresses which you can contact them by? If so... write up a generic letter, and go right down the list and copy/paste that email to each and every one who has an email address. It'll be the same letter, so you won't have to spend time personalizing them or rewriting the same things. And you'll see how they respond to you which will hopefully give a more clear view of who you might be compatiable with.

You could also write down a list of questions/things you want to say before hand. Like.. list off some of the things that you want to work on (mother issues for one? you've mentioned before having bad eating habits that you wanted to improve didn't you? self-esteem, etc). You could also ask them questions about their style of therapy - are they open to email communication, do they share some self-disclosure or not, etc.

You could use the list to have with you for phone calls and emails too. Pick a few priorities of things you really need to know if they're capable of helping you with, and some things that will help you know if they have a sort of style that you might be comfortable with. Then when you get nervous, you can just read the list.

Yeah I think a bunch of them did. Is email just as good?

[msxyz]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Because that would cost money and I'd have to show up. No but really I just don't even know what ones to try

My therapist offered a 20 minute meet and greet for free after I asked if we could just briefly meet to see if we were a god match. Just ask.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Yeah I think a bunch of them did. Is email just as good?

I get a looooot of phone anxiety, so I would take the option of emailing if I could. I'd follow up with a phone call to the ones who replied in ways that resonated with me. I figure, if someone isn't going to respond (I'd likely say that I get a lot of phone anxiety in the email) to the email inquiry then for me they obviously wouldn't be a great fit! (My counsellor actually encourages me to email him, because I tend to be more open that way, and it opens up the conversation when I next see him).

Plus, it would save you time and stress, and cost less money depending on your phone plan. It's at least a way to get started

why don't you and LCM search for a T together?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Honestly? I don't want to work on anything. I don't want to go through the struggle of bringing up all of that crap again. I don't want to talk about feelings or risk remembering more or uncover depressing truths about myself or any of that. I know I need to. That's not even just LCM imposing that. I know I have to in order just to be a functioning adult and get what I want in life. I'm not sure I can do it but I know I have to try.

I am finding reasons not to do it at some level because I really don't want to subject myself to that, I hate awkward beginnings to relationships, I really really really do not want to call one person let alone 50 people, and it just seems like a ton of work.

I might have my friend force me to call three on Tuesday before lunch. She'd come to my room and make me do it if I asked her to. But I also need to just make myself do it.

Even if you do see a T, you don't have to jump into trauma stuff right away. You can work on the T relationship, talk about why LCM is so important and work on short term coping and survival skills. It doesn't have to be a tortuous experience.

It is really good news that you are starting to actively look for a T. Maybe you could get a notebook and keep track of who you have checked out online, on the phone, in person. You can even rank them by how positively you feel about each one.

[ECHOES]

Good luck. I like how you're questioning your actions of rejecting the therapists that came up in your search. It's really all about the same fear or fears. What if you chose one just to provide you support, just to see how it feels to talk to them, and without the expectation of revealing everything, and all the feelings that thought can bring up?

My therapist asked, early in my therapy, if I could trust the process when I didn't know her well enough to know if I could trust her.

I asked myself before that, if I could just commit to not quitting as I had before. To go even when I didn't feel like it.

Hard commitments for a commitment-phobe like me, but 7+ years later we are still doing therapy and she is tremendous support, so important in my life.