[pmbm]

I had a really difficult session with my T yesterday. Right before I had to leave to drive the 20 minutes to her office, my mother called and asked me to accompany her to an emotionally difficult appointment. Both my parents were my abusers, and I in no way share anything important with them and would be really hard put to comfort either of them in any way. I haven't even seen them in two months and they live 2 miles away from me. So anyway, I declined my mother's request...but her request was very triggering for me and I ended up with some flashbacks to memories that have been apparently hidden in the recesses of my mind. I could barely hold it together to drive to T's. When I got there, I sat in the waiting room, barely breathing and with tears pouring down my face. When she came to get me, I couldn't even look at her. I just fled into her office, dove onto the couch, and covered myself up with a bunch of pillows. I started bawling...loudly...and then tried to stop. T said don't stop, let it out and put the tissues by me. She also turned on the third white noise machine in her office. I couldn't stop bawling and started wheezing and she talked me through breathing, and then asked me if something had happened. I said yes, and continued to bawl for a couple of more minutes. T asked me if I could tell her what happened, and I managed to choke out the words about my mother's request, and T looked absolutely baffled. Then I started to choke out the memories that were triggered, and went through a huge range of emotional states....from being nearly catatonic, to yelling and throwing pillows at T (who graciously returned them so I could throw them again) to bawling again and then ended with what seemed like a really gross gagging, choking cough. I honestly thought I was going to throw up a couple of times and so did she because she was reaching for the waste basket. And then I finally was able to calm down, and she did some guided imagery with me, I actually ended up stretching out on the couch with my eyes closed. She tried to start talking about cutting off all contact with the parents, but I told her to stop because I could not go there with her at that moment. Then she told me about what a miracle I am...not sure I believe it. Then the session was over. I went home and slept for several hours. But later on, I was like OMG did I just totally gross out T. I emailed her to ask and she said nope. I just had to share. I think that this may have been one of my most difficult and loudest sessions ever in therapy. I actually am concerned that I may have disturbed other people. I apologized as I was leaving for the fit I had, and T said it was a release and normal and okay.

I don't know your background story but I wanted to tell you how absolutely amazing you are.... I am sure whatever triggered you was very difficult...but you had strong emotions and you expressed them in front of your T that is amazing to me...

I wish I could do that... I have had 2 incidents where I felt strong emotions inT... Both times I was like a controlled robot then when I got to the car...I puked then had major crying episodes.....by myself...

I am so impressed.... Though sad you were triggered...

[HazelGirl]

You're very brave. I don't think I could do that.

[pmbm]

ReadytoStop and HazelGirl,

It took me a really long time to get to this place of being able to express strong emotions with T. I'm fairly new to this T, and I've had many others. I'm tired of not healing from my childhood traumas, and when I started seeing this T, she told me that she definitely believes I can and will heal. I decided at that point that I was going to do whatever she suggested, even if it scared me to death. I figured that I at least had to have a no thank you bite of everything she brought to the table. She is a very intuitive therapist and is very attuned to me. She has really tailored my therapy for me. Turns out this decision of mine was one of the smartest ones ever. I've really made progress in the 6 months I've been with this T....even my friends have commented on it. But I started therapy when I was 22, and I am now 48. It took me so long to get to this point. She is the first T I decided to trust fully. Thats a decision I make over and over again, on at least a daily basis, sometimes on an hourly or minute by minute basis. And she really takes the time to listen to what I have to say about what is working for me and what is not.