Is this a boundary crossing?

Sep 06, 2014, 08:07 PM

I was just watching a movie that happened to reference a topic my therapist and I spent a lot of time talking about last night in session. I thought about messaging him the quote and sharing it with him. I just thought it was weird that it was almost word for word what we talked about, and found it kind of funny.

Is this too casual of a subject? I feel kinda dumb asking this... I've been seeing him for over a year, and I've messaged him worse. (ie about my feelings for him) I'm just trying to "behave" now and not come across as creepy. So should I not?

Leah123 · Sep 06, 2014, 08:09 PM

It is a boundary crossing: if you want to avoid those, you could save it for your scheduled paid session time.

However, if your therapist welcomes such contact he might not consider it concerning or bothersome.

But, if you're trying to be more restrained, and traditional, then no, it wouldn't really accomplish that.

ThisWayOut · Sep 06, 2014, 08:10 PM

If you are worried about it, perhaps write it down and take it in next session?

Sep 06, 2014, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leah123

It's less of a crossing if you save it for your scheduled paid session time.

However, if your therapist welcomes such contact, then it might not be crossing his boundary, and it's really about what's allowed in your relationship as far as comfort level.

But, if you're trying to be more restrained, and traditional, then no, it wouldn't really be appropriate.

He's allowed me to text him pretty much anything. I've even asked him about it, and he said it's fair game as long as it's not COMPLETELY inappropriate or incessant. He replies sometimes, other times not. Ive just wanted to tone it down, cause I've made my romantic feelings very apparent. He's never seemed that bothered by it though. I mean last night he kept me an hour over time, again. Sooo he's not the best at boundaries either!

unaluna · Sep 06, 2014, 08:20 PM

So you text him, and then what? You have to wait for him to text back. That is the rough part.

Sep 06, 2014, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

So you text him, and then what? You have to wait for him to text back. That is the rough part.

Well he doesn't HAVE to text back. I just wanted to share.. *shrug* plus, I won't be seeing him for two weeks. That's awhile, for us!

Leah123 · Sep 06, 2014, 08:31 PM

Well, you're asking if texting him fits within your stated goals.
No, it does not.

But clearly, you want to anyway, it feels good to feed the connection, so.... that's where it's at, right?

Which goal is more motivating: the stated one or the unstated one?

unaluna · Sep 06, 2014, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winenot3

Well he doesn't HAVE to text back. I just wanted to share.. *shrug* plus, I won't be seeing him for two weeks. That's awhile, for us!

I know - im just saying thats always the hard part for me. Letting him know i was thinking of him. Making myself vulnerable. On a saturday night, i would feel like i was hinting i was available. And yes, i have done it. So really im not advising for or against. Be prepared to feel really good or really bad? Its something to work thru.

RTerroni · Sep 06, 2014, 08:35 PM

If he lets you text him than it's not a boundary crossing.

healed84 · Sep 06, 2014, 08:59 PM

To my T, that would be crossing the boundaries.. As a matter of fact, when he first gave me his cell number so I could text, he said.. This is not so you can text me and talk to me about a cool tv show, etc.. :O) That is something I would for sure wait to share with my t in our next session.

ScarletPimpernel · Sep 06, 2014, 11:37 PM

Maybe wait to clarify the boundaries?

I know with my T, I can email her anything. I email her

because I thought she would like it and it related to therapy...sort of.

I've also emailed her pictures of my dogs, architecture, and butterflies. They all relate to my therapy because it's positives in my life.

Debbie07 · Sep 06, 2014, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winenot3

I was just watching a movie that happened to reference a topic my therapist and I spent a lot of time talking about last night in session. I thought about messaging him the quote and sharing it with him. I just thought it was weird that it was almost word for word what we talked about, and found it kind of funny.

Is this too casual of a subject? I feel kinda dumb asking this... I've been seeing him for over a year, and I've messaged him worse. (ie about my feelings for him) I'm just trying to "behave" now and not come across as creepy. So should I not?

I'd wait for a session. I have texted them a couple of times in four years (other than appt setting and changing) but it was because I didn't have the info in session and I told them I'd text them and it was a long link to click on.

stopdog · Sep 07, 2014, 01:51 AM

I don't see the info as text or contact worthy, but I don't think of it as a boundary issue either. I think a lot of concern over boundaries is misplaced.

RedSun · Sep 07, 2014, 04:19 AM

Could you write it in a journal or something and show him in two weeks? It does seem that he is not good at keeping boundaries as you say, so you will have to be the strong one

Is there someone else, a friend maybe, that you could share the quote with in the meantime?

lunatic soul · Sep 07, 2014, 06:42 AM

I didnt see here anything which is boundary crossing... Texting and sending emails - most of us do it znd as understand your T doesnt mind so you didnt cross his boundaries.
Talking for more than over without paying - its just nicr and caring and most of us would be happy if our Ts did it, I dont see it as crossing boundaries. I was talking to pastor for more than two hours and fot free and I was really thankful and suprised he is so good to me and felt little bit guilty for taking his time but it was his choice. If T has a time to talk to you more and he doesnt ask you to pay for his double job you should feel fine

and its nonsense to search there boundary crossing...

Lauliza · Sep 07, 2014, 02:39 PM

I would not text it to him. It's probably not a boundary crossing per se, but there may be more behind your desire to text than just the coincidence. It sounds like you could be looking for a reason to contact him. It's not urgent and something that can wait until next session, so for this reason alone I'd make a conscious effort not to send a text.

tealBumblebee · Sep 07, 2014, 03:37 PM

My T welcomes messages, so this is not a boundary crossing in any way from my experience. Whether its for connection, or just something you want to share - it's a need that is perfectly acceptable of being fulfilled. It's not inappropriate, continuous, or expectant of anything in return. Def don't see a problem with that.

HazelGirl · Sep 07, 2014, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I would not text it to him. It's probably not a boundary crossing per se, but there may be more behind your desire to text than just the coincidence. It sounds like you could be looking for a reason to contact him. It's not urgent and something that can wait until next session, so for this reason alone I'd make a conscious effort not to send a text.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to contact a T without absolutely needing to. I do it a lot. Sometimes I just send my T a message saying something like "I just wanted to say hi" and she will respond with "hi" and a smily face, just to know she's there still.

Lauliza · Sep 07, 2014, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leah123

Well, you're asking if texting him fits within your stated goals.
No, it does not.

But clearly, you want to anyway, it feels good to feed the connection, so.... that's where it's at, right?

Which goal is more motivating: the stated one or the unstated one?

This is what I really wanted to write but Leah did it better

You mentioned you wanted to "tone it down", so not texting would be consistent with this goal. Especially where you have romantic feelings for him I think it's very important for you to impose boundaries on yourself. Your T doesn't seem to do that. Maybe he wants to be nice or maybe he doesn't mind being the object of your affection. It doesn't really matter I suppose you just have to be clear about what it is you want.

growlithing · Sep 08, 2014, 03:22 PM

The question isn't about crossing a boundary. This would only be a boundary issue if you were texting back and forth constantly as friends. You have to trust that he wouldn't let that happen.

The real question is more about courtesy. Most people usually don't want customers or clients texting them all that time or on off hours. However, some people depending on the context don't mind at all or would find the gesture nice.

I would safe it until the session, tell him about it, tell him you wanted to send it to him, and then ask if it would bother him if you had so in the future, you know how he'd feel about it.

unaluna · Sep 08, 2014, 04:29 PM

Then there is the problem of the boy calling wolf. My t thought my text this weekend alerting him to my freaking family showing up unannounced and uninvited at my door, which when they finally left, i texted him "nightmare over", was actually a nightmare and not a manifest event. He was surprised today!

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