[Myrto]

Hello everybody, this is my first post on this forum but I've been a lurker for quite some time on these boards. Actually, I found this place 4 months ago shortly after starting therapy for the first time in my life and it has helped me tremendously to read everybody's experience with therapy. It has also made me think a lot.

Anyway, I've developed major transference on my T after 3 months of therapy. I've told her about it (thanks to this forum! so thanks guys!) and she said it was totally fine and normal.
The thing is, it's maternal transference but I haven't told my T about the specificities of my transference and she hasn't asked. I felt so lame and desperate while telling her that I didn't want to go into details.

My issue is that I love my mom (my "real" mom haha). She's done her best. She's always provided me with everything: food, nice home, nice clothes, love. She can be curt and abrupt with me (with everybody actually) but that's just how she is. I know she loves me.

So on top of feeling ashamed of my transference, I feel guilty and ungrateful because it's like I'm blaming my mom. Which is another reason I don't want to bring up the fact that it's maternal transference with my T as I know I'll get super defensive and protective of my mom if my T were to imply the slightest criticism against her.

Has anybody experienced the same thing? How is it possible for me to develop maternal transference if I love my mom?

PS: Sorry in advance for any weird spelling/phrasing, English isn't my native language.

[someone321]

Welcome to PC

I do not feel much transference toward my T but I think that it is absolutely okay to feel it even if you have great mom who you love very much. Your T makes you feeling safe, cares about you, listens to you, validates your problem etc. so it is actually quite similar to parental action... Thus, why not to feel it? And feel it toward T doesn't mean that you don't feel it towards your mom - we can definitely love more than one person (both parents, both kids etc...).

It is possible that for instance you have a great mom but somehow she didn't manage to protect you from "the bad world" and your T might fulfill this need by making you feeling safe at the sessions but of course this is just an idea and I might be totally wrong...

Hi Myrto, and welcome to PC. It's always nice to see other northern Europeans here

I understand, I think - I do have parental transference feelings for my T, and I feel silly and childish (I'm 41 years old - I'm not supposed to need a dad to protect or care for me!), and also very disloyal towards my late father. I don't think it's strange that we can get these feelings, though, even though we did have parents who met our needs. I don't think transference is about unmet needs, so much as it is about a person fitting into a particular slot in our world-view, if that makes sense.

As scary as it feels, I think it is a good topic to bring up with your therapist. She won't think you're lame, and if she is a good therapist she won't make you defensive, by criticising your mother. It might be important for her to know, though.

[HazelGirl]

It's possible that you are treating your T with the same feelings you have towards your mom: loving, warm, kind, etc...

But it's also possible that, when you were a child, her criticisms got to you and hurt you, even if that wasn't her goal. Little children cannot rationalize "well, she loves me even when she's critical of me." They just feel hurt and rejected. Could some of those feelings be coming up?

[Soccer mom]

You are probably getting something from your T. that your mom couldn't give you. I have maternal transference too although my mom was emotionally unavailable for me growing up. Definitely tell your T. everything. It's very hard but it's information they need to know.

[Parley]

As a mother~ I just want to say that I don't believe you should feel guilty. I don't know your mothers so I don't know if she would feel bad but I would love for my son to experience maternal transference with a therapist. I hit tragedy when he was just over a year and we both know I did my best but sometimes it isn't enough. He's "good" but I see issues that probably came from me being a bit over protective and in survival mode. I don't see it as blame or being ungrateful.

There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and taking care of your needs. Your relationship with your mother could improve and my son would say that's impossible but he doesn't know any better. One day, I hope he commits to therapy and finds what you are going through now.

Best of luck to you.

[lilypup]

It sounds to me to be perfectly normal but after a few more sessions see if you can tell your T about the mother thing.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Hi Myrto, and welcome to PC. It's always nice to see other northern Europeans here

I understand, I think - I do have parental transference feelings for my T, and I feel silly and childish (I'm 41 years old - I'm not supposed to need a dad to protect or care for me!), and also very disloyal towards my late father. I don't think it's strange that we can get these feelings, though, even though we did have parents who met our needs. I don't think transference is about unmet needs, so much as it is about a person fitting into a particular slot in our world-view, if that makes sense.

As scary as it feels, I think it is a good topic to bring up with your therapist. She won't think you're lame, and if she is a good therapist she won't make you defensive, by criticising your mother. It might be important for her to know, though.

Thanks for the warm welcome ;-)

You nailed it: I feel disloyal to my mom, that's exactly it.
Really? Transference isn't about unmet needs? That's what I keep reading. I suppose there are several theories.
My T is a good T but still, I'm scared to bring it up, even though I know I should.

Originally Posted by Parley

As a mother~ I just want to say that I don't believe you should feel guilty. I don't know your mothers so I don't know if she would feel bad but I would love for my son to experience maternal transference with a therapist. I hit tragedy when he was just over a year and we both know I did my best but sometimes it isn't enough. He's "good" but I see issues that probably came from me being a bit over protective and in survival mode. I don't see it as blame or being ungrateful.

There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and taking care of your needs. Your relationship with your mother could improve and my son would say that's impossible but he doesn't know any better. One day, I hope he commits to therapy and finds what you are going through now.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks for your perspective. I think it's wonderful that you would love your son to experience maternal transference with a therapist. That's just, wow, so selfless.
My relationship with my mom could definitely improve, you're right.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

You are probably getting something from your T. that your mom couldn't give you. I have maternal transference too although my mom was emotionally unavailable for me growing up. Definitely tell your T. everything. It's very hard but it's information they need to know.

You're right. My mom has never been very demonstrative in her affection so I'm probably getting something from my T on that front.
I should tell my T, I know, but argh this is so hard.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Growing up, I didn't have a good relationship with my mom. Now, I have a good "friendship" with my mom. I love my T...more than I love my mom. But I feel guilty any time I talk to my mom about my T. I makes her feel bad and jealous too.

But loving both your T and your mom are normal. No one's mom is perfect. And even though you might need therapy to help you deal with childhood issues, it doesn't mean you don't love your mom or that your mom is a "bad" mom. And it's okay to have maternal transference towards your T even if you love your mom. Transference doesn't have to make sense. You're feelings are all normal.

Originally Posted by Myrto

You nailed it: I feel disloyal to my mom, that's exactly it.
Really? Transference isn't about unmet needs? That's what I keep reading. I suppose there are several theories.
My T is a good T but still, I'm scared to bring it up, even though I know I should.

Well, I guess I was too categorical. Transference can be about unmet needs, I think, but what it basically means is that we react to somebody as if they were someone else. So I might be afraid of somebody's reactions based on how people would react when I was a little kid, rather than on my experience of that person. (I read somewhere that "love at first sight" is transference - we can't really love the person since we don't know them, but something in them triggers infatuation in us.)