[DelusionsDaily]

So, I'm really overwhelmed by last night's session with T. I know to a certain degree that she's right using words like "mild PTSD reaction", "trauma", and similar words related to my past with x-pdoc and driving to those places associated with that past to get parts of my records. It just I had never associated those words with those situations.

I'm overwhelmed at trying to work through all this. So conflicted about everything right now. It's just a lot to take in.

[HazelGirl]

Take your time. No one says you have to figure it all out at once.

[silver tree]

Does she mean to use those words when referring to those experiences with x-pdoc? or letting this go and understanding it was just a pdoc that didn't work well with you? sorry I am not sure which and don't want to post the wrong support.

Therapy can be really hard at times. I find it is afterwards that I really take something in emotionally x

[DelusionsDaily]

She used the words in reference to those experiences while with x-pdoc.

[silver tree]

Oh gosh! I did think you meant that but as it was a pdoc I wondered if I was reading it right.

I am so sorry that you had this with x-pdoc. It must be awful to go to a trained professional to help deal with your problems, only for them to then add to that by making it traumatic. I am here if you want to talk about that Now it has been pointed out that you have been traumatised by this and that it goes into the category of 'mild PTSD' do you recognise this more as that? x

[Bill3]

You're unaccustomed to hearing those words in the context of x-pdoc, and you feel overwhelmed. What sorts of feelings are overwhelming right now--maybe some of these (just listed as a few possibilities): sadness, loss, shock, disbelief, anxiety, bitterness, others?

[guilloche]

(((DelusionsDaily))) - Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed... and that you had such a rotten experience with xpdoc... is there anything comforting you can do for yourself over the weekend? Anything that can help ground you a bit? I hope it gets better soon for you...

[archipelago]

I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and how hard it is to know what to do. I find two general approaches can help depending on what the exact feelings are, which sometimes you don't know if it is a swirl of emotions.

First a healthy way to distract yourself which is a form of self-care can be self-soothing and re-settle what has been stirred up. Then sometimes you feel more capacity to sort through things and even let parts of it go for now.

The other way is to dive into it and see if you can sort out what the different aspects are so it is broken down into more manageable pieces and thus less overwhelming. With it broken down into more concrete smaller pieces, it may be easier to select one or two that you can address to help.

[DelusionsDaily]

Silver Tree I don't want you to get the wrong idea. He, himself didn't do anything wrong. Everything that happened was legal...in fact demanded by law. Just not wanted by myself...like forced treatment in a general hospital for taking too many pills or when forced to go being cuffed to stretcher then restrained at hospital to prevent me from further harming myself. Sometimes just my total loss of control and the pure darkness of the depressions. That is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Nothing was done out of malice that's where I'm struggling with the word trauma.

Bill3: you definitely named some of them. I need to do some journaling to come up with the rest.

Guilloche: I'm sleeping a lot right now to avoid it all. That is something I need to think about because I can't sleep forever.

[HazelGirl]

Whether your actions caused you to be in a place where trauma happened or not, it's still traumatic. Heck, my suicidal thoughts were traumatic to me, and I didn't even do anything. Just knowing I was capable of that deep darkness and nearly committing suicide was traumatic.

[silver tree]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

forced treatment in a general hospital for taking too many pills or when forced to go being cuffed to stretcher then restrained at hospital to prevent me from further harming myself. Sometimes just my total loss of control and the pure darkness of the depressions.

I would say that any paragraph with words in like the ones I have highlighted, sound pretty traumatic to me! Just because it is apparently done for your own good, doesn't make it less traumatic to suffer imo. What if you couldn't get over being cut out of a car, after an accident? The firemen are there to help you but I am sure you would accept if that had traumatised you and call it as such?

And often (from stories I have been told) being sectioned and made to go into hospital can be quite brutal? where they have fixed ideas as to what's "best" for you and your emotional wellbeing is very secondary to that? It can feel confusing, degrading, a violation of your rights and person. Not to mention the very difficult and traumatic place your must have been in to have got to that point? I think it sounds terrible and VERY traumatic for you x

[DelusionsDaily]

Been keyed up all day from anxiety. It just won't stop! I guess I need the images in my head to stop first though and that's probably not likely because I have constant environmental reminders of x-pdoc. Or the places I've been that the images involve are near where I live or on my way to somewhere I go at least weekly. Blah!!!

[archipelago]

I know what it is like to feel so keyed up and to feel like you can't get the stuff out of your head. This may sound really scary or weird, but if you truly can't distract yourself or calm down, perhaps try to just jump in all the way?

I've done this before. Just allowed it in to see if it would take me over. It did for a time, but then I felt like I had processed part of it somehow by accepting it and not pushing it away I guess. That's partly what exposure therapy is about.

Anyway, don't do this unless you feel you have no other way. And don't do it if you feel not strong enough or not supported enough. When I did it I was in a place where I had enough to tolerate it, but I wouldn't have before. Check in with yourself to see where you are.

[DelusionsDaily]

Gah!!!! 4 hours of sleep! Stupid nightmares!!!!! F***! I hate being me right now!!!!!!!!!

[silver tree]

I am sorry you had a bad night. Do you have nightmares a lot? x

[DelusionsDaily]

Recently yes. Frustrating as all he l l.

[DelusionsDaily]

According to the technical definition of trauma you have to either have experienced yourself or witnessed someone close to experience the threat of serious physical harm or death or actual physical harm/death. So what I experienced was not trauma it was merely a very stressful event at least that's the case with the event I've been talking about.

Not that very VERY stressful isn't difficult...just not trauma.

Anxiety is high again today and I'm eating it all. Eating my parents out of house and home. I'm eating way too much.

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

According to the technical definition of trauma you have to either have experienced yourself or witnessed someone close to experience the threat of serious physical harm or death or actual physical harm/death. So what I experienced was not trauma it was merely a very stressful event at least that's the case with the event I've been talking about.

Not that very VERY stressful isn't difficult...just not trauma.

Anxiety is high again today and I'm eating it all. Eating my parents out of house and home. I'm eating way too much.

Hmm. My T said the other day that the definition of trauma is something to the effect of anything that 'overwhelms the psyche'.

His idea of it makes more sense to me. And some people can experience physical harm, even close to death, but not experience it as 'traumatic'. (like the sport boxing??)

If someone dissociates from being shouted at by a stranger even w/o threat of physical harm, but is scared to death, is that not trauma the same?

What you wrote about sounds very traumatic, like silver tree pointed out.

[archipelago]

Many kinds of legitimate traumas are left out by the official DSM-5 definition of what counts. Things that they acknowledge elsewhere as trauma, like neglect, different kinds of abuse that can happen mainly in childhood, but also later on, and separation from/instability with caregivers they acknowledge as causes of other disorders in the very same section as PTSD. Things like deprivation (of freedom or other things) and hospitalization are also excluded though I bet most clinicians would see these as traumatic.

The old DSM included the phrase "a threat to the integrity of self" which to me captures other ways that people can experience trauma.

The official definition in the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis for me would not be what I would go by. I would go by how I was responding, what was going on. And besides the official definition does not help you in any practical way.

Can you find something to get you to feel calmer? Like a shower or bath? A walk? Some music? A movie? Writing in a journal or doing expressive art?

There are breathing techniques. If you want to learn one, I can try to teach you.

[DelusionsDaily]

Actually, been doing deep breathing and hanging out with grandma which is very slowly calming me down. Thank God! For some relief.

Anyway I get what you all are saying. I guess it was a trauma of sorts. Bought a workbook to manage symptoms like anxiety. So been reading that too.

[nottrustin]

I am sorry you had such a horrible and traumatic experience. It
sounds horrible

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Actually, been doing deep breathing and hanging out with grandma which is very slowly calming me down. Thank God! For some relief.

Anyway I get what you all are saying. I guess it was a trauma of sorts. Bought a workbook to manage symptoms like anxiety. So been reading that too.

Glad to hear that the breathing and visits with your grandmother are helping some, even if just a little... that's great. Sorry it's been so triggering and rough . If you can, you might try a walk or something else physical.... sometimes I find that it helps me, if my body is reacting - I feel like it's releasing tons of *stress chemicals*. I don't think those go away very quickly on their own (I imagine them floating through my body wreaking havoc and making me a mess!). Physical exertion (a nice long walk with lots of nature, or whatever else... swinging something heavy around, doing some sort of exercise or dance routine in your room, etc.) seems to help actually burn them off...

Hope things get better soon for you...

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks. I just might go for a walk this evening when it cools off.

I'm actually pretty calm right now...yay!!! Reading a trauma/PTSD workbook is really helping with more skills to help myself during the 6 days between therapy. Got it on my phone for continuous and easy access.

[guilloche]

Yay... I'm glad the book is helping!

[DelusionsDaily]

Here's hoping...no nightmares and more sleep tonight!!