[JaneC]

I had a tough session today. I've been in a bad place since sending T a list of trauma, and then have some tough situations irl since.

So I spent almost the entire session crying, when I wasn't checking out into space.

And my T just sat there! I mean, I know he tried to get me to see that some of thoughts were not useful or helpful for me right now and he tried to get me to be kinder to myself.

But I also felt judged! And I can't put my finger on why!! I also got quite annoyed at him on a couple of occasions and couldn't pinpoint why. I know this is a defensive thing on my part, but my mind seems to not be working properly and when asked I couldn't remember what triggered it!! This is soo frustrating!!!!!!!

On top of that, the session felt interrupted frequently.....some stupid staff member came and knocked on the door(he was annoyed at that) and then his flippin phone kept vibrating, from a call and then texts I guess. Towards the end of the session it happened again and I told him....lets stop, seems like you need to go and deal with whatever is happening on your phone. He didn't even apologise!!!!!!!!!

I don't know, am I being super over sensitive or is this not cool?

Also, I just felt like I needed him to comfort me in some way, and that didn't happen, and I also didn't say anything about that to him.....but I feel really let down because of it! I know, it's probably not his job to comfort me, but what do I do about this?

I just wanted him to give me a hug, which is unusual for me......this is so hard.

[JustShakey]

Can you text or email him and let him know how you're feeling.

I know Tales of a Boundary Ninja has a very good post on this topic... Let me see if I can find the link...

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

[Depletion]

Sometimes I feel judged for negative thinking or not being compassionate with myself. I kind of assume that the other person thinks that I'm and idiot for not being able to get my thoughts in order, and for not being able to do something simple, basic an necessary like care for myself. Do you think that you were feeling anything like that?

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Can you text or email him and let him know how you're feeling.

I know Tales of a Boundary Ninja has a very good post on this topic... Let me see if I can find the link...

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

Thanks. I remember reading this last week I think when it was posted for someone else. I told T today that I don't want to feel the pain I was feeling today, and he agreed and said he didn't want to either......but told me I needed to so I could make sense of it and heal. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

So yeah, he is a good T........but DAMN IT I need some comfort, I get it nowhere else!! Can't he do both?? Maybe I can talk about that some time with him.

Maybe I should email him, but the last email still needs discussing too.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Sometimes I feel judged for negative thinking or not being compassionate with myself. I kind of assume that the other person thinks that I'm and idiot for not being able to get my thoughts in order, and for not being able to do something simple, basic an necessary like care for myself. Do you think that you were feeling anything like that?

Yep, that was part of it also. My head is so fuzzy and stressed out with lack of sleep and crying and anxiety that I feel I can barely think properly. But yes, I do feel stupid that I can't get it together better.....all of the "I should just......" thoughts running through my head.........and probably then think he must be thinking the same thing.

Which has me feeling even more stupid!

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Thanks. I remember reading this last week I think when it was posted for someone else. I told T today that I don't want to feel the pain I was feeling today, and he agreed and said he didn't want to either......but told me I needed to so I could make sense of it and heal. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

So yeah, he is a good T........but DAMN IT I need some comfort, I get it nowhere else!! Can't he do both?? Maybe I can talk about that some time with him.

Maybe I should email him, but the last email still needs discussing too.

Well, you know emails to Ts are like shoes - a girl can never have too many Go for it. Just putting it out there will probably make you feel better.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Yep, that was part of it also. My head is so fuzzy and stressed out with lack of sleep and crying and anxiety that I feel I can barely think properly. But yes, I do feel stupid that I can't get it together better.....all of the "I should just......" thoughts running through my head.........and probably then think he must be thinking the same thing.

Which has me feeling even more stupid!

I think you should let T know that you feel that way. Although I have never really addressed those feelings in therapy (and definitely should) I'm sure that they are think kind of thinking patters that impede self compassion.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I think you should let T know that you feel that way. Although I have never really addressed those feelings in therapy (and definitely should) I'm sure that they are think kind of thinking patters that impede self compassion.

Oh gosh, he knows I think this way. Boy, how does he know! ANd he calls me on it all the time....as he did today. And today it just made me feel worse. He/I can't win right now.

And yes, I think it would be really good for you to talk to your T about it too. It does impeded self compassion, and that is what I need, and what T really wants for me to find.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Oh gosh, he knows I think this way. Boy, how does he know! ANd he calls me on it all the time....as he did today. And today it just made me feel worse. He/I can't win right now.

And yes, I think it would be really good for you to talk to your T about it too. It does impeded self compassion, and that is what I need, and what T really wants for me to find.

Oh I mean the meta feelings, the feelings about feeling like the feelings are wrong. I.e. "I don't have self compassion--therefore--I feel like an idiot." Have you mentioned those.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Oh I mean the meta feelings, the feelings about feeling like the feelings are wrong. I.e. "I don't have self compassion--therefore--I feel like an idiot." Have you mentioned those.

Yep..he knows that I feel useless because I can't have compassion for myself. I feel stupid because I can't master self kindness. I feel worthless because I can't do something simple like self care. Yes....yes he knows this. He knows just how useless, worthless and stupid I feel....how I feel utter shame at feeling all of those feelings also........and intensely feel quite despairing and hopeless at the moment.

So yup........he knows, and I know, and now you all know too. Useless huh? (That is not self pity either, rather anger at myself for being so pitiful!)

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Yep..he knows that I feel useless because I can't have compassion for myself. I feel stupid because I can't master self kindness. I feel worthless because I can't do something simple like self care. Yes....yes he knows this. He knows just how useless, worthless and stupid I feel....how I feel utter shame at feeling all of those feelings also........and intensely feel quite despairing and hopeless at the moment.

So yup........he knows, and I know, and now you all know too. Useless huh? (That is not self pity either, rather anger at myself for being so pitiful!)

Ok...well that's good I guess. Not that you have the feelings, that's terrible...but that you told him. But I'm sorry that it didn't stop them. I wish that I could stop them for you...or that he could. I hate these kinds of feelings the most, I really do just wonder why I can't say to myself, "oh self compassion how wonderful, I'll give that a try," instead of "you stupid idiot don't you know that you're suppose to be nice to yourself."

I'm just wondering, and I hope you won't feel like I'm derailing your thread, but since you have an issues you so similar to mine, did you get criticized a lot when you were a kid for being overly emotional, and do you feel like you are more sensitive than some people. You don't have to answer here if you don't want, you can just send me a PM if you like (or not answer that's ok too). But I was just wondering.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I'm just wondering, and I hope you won't feel like I'm derailing your thread, but since you have an issues you so similar to mine, did you get criticized a lot when you were a kid for being overly emotional, and do you feel like you are more sensitive than some people. You don't have to answer here if you don't want, you can just send me a PM if you like (or not answer that's ok too). But I was just wondering.

I grew up in an environment where I was told that I was too needy, that I was too emotional, that my thoughts and needs were wrong. Constantly. I was shamed for feeling and for having emotions, and I do not recall ever having my fears, emotions or thoughts validated by my mother, nor by my siblings as I grew. In fact, even as an adult I have been shamed and laughed at by my family for pretty much just being me. Whoever that is.

I am coming to understand that many things happened in my early childhood and younger years that have impacted me considerably! I have a lot to 'process', on top of the trauma.

I know that I am more sensitive than many people. I take a lot of things to heart, and am not one to tell people to EFF off when many others would. I can do that for others though often not for myself.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Jane. I had exactly the same reaction from my T just before our long break. I know how painful this is and all I wanted was a bit of comfort and a hug and even a pat on the back! But i got/get nothing and i feel shame for even telling you here about that. I know how painful this is. Mine too just sat there - then rushed me out of the door bang on the 50 minutes - I actually couldn't believe it when I found myself standing in the street with the door firmly shut behind me. It just reinforced those feelings that i am not worthy of anyone's attention, compassion or time.

i hope you can work through this with your T. He does sound good although I understand how much yesterday must have hurt you. I'm so sorry. Keep strong.

Big hugs. xx

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I grew up in an environment where I was told that I was too needy, that I was too emotional, that my thoughts and needs were wrong. Constantly. I was shamed for feeling and for having emotions, and I do not recall ever having my fears, emotions or thoughts validated by my mother, nor by my siblings as I grew. In fact, even as an adult I have been shamed and laughed at by my family for pretty much just being me. Whoever that is.

I am coming to understand that many things happened in my early childhood and younger years that have impacted me considerably! I have a lot to 'process', on top of the trauma.

I know that I am more sensitive than many people. I take a lot of things to heart, and am not one to tell people to EFF off when many others would. I can do that for others though often not for myself.

Thanks for this. I'm so sorry that you had all of those experiences. No one should have to suffer such things.

I had a similarly invalidating childhood. My parents were emotionally distant and neglectful. I have never had my feelings validate by my family even after I suffered a sexual assault. My mother abandon me during my teen years, and while my father has often offered me financial support he is almost completely incapable of emotional conversation or validation. I was also abused at school by teachers for having strong emotional reactions, and was once forcibly removed from underneath a desk by teachers at my school because I refused to come out after being bullied by other kids.

I feel things deeply, and often struggle to put a wall between myself and the things that people say about me. I feel like a failure every time this happens, and am constantly upset with myself for having feelings.

But just like you, I care tremendously about other people, and I usually try and do whatever I can to help.

Thank you again for posting this it helps to know that there are other people out there with similar experiences.

[JaneC]

Oh Alone

After my session today I went back to my car.....and then suddenly I found I'd been sitting there for about 20odd minutes! Just wanted to sleep, but had to drive the half hour home. Still feeling terrible.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Thanks for this. I'm so sorry that you had all of those experiences. No one should have to suffer such things.

I had a similarly invalidating childhood. My parents were emotionally distant and neglectful. I have never had my feelings validate by my family even after I suffered a sexual assault. My mother abandon me during my teen years, and while my father has often offered me financial support he is almost completely incapable of emotional conversation or validation. I was also abused at school by teachers for having strong emotional reactions, and was once forcibly removed from underneath a desk by teachers at my school because I refused to come out after being bullied by other kids.

I feel things deeply, and often struggle to put a wall between myself and the things that people say about me. I feel like a failure every time this happens, and am constantly upset with myself for having feelings.

But just like you, I care tremendously about other people, and I usually try and do whatever I can to help.

Thank you again for posting this it helps to know that there are other people out there with similar experiences.

Oh, I understand. I'm sorry you had so much invalidation also, it leaves scars we don't understand until much later I think.

I can't talk about childhood stuff. But at 14 I was raped......I couldn't tell my mother, nor anyone else. I internalised, then blocked it from my memory and told myself another story about that night. I was sexually assaulted a couple of times after that in my teens, then at 18 I was raped again. When I eventually told my family 2 years later about the one time at 18, after hearing that my sister had also just been.......I was told don't be ridiculous, you are lying just to get attention.

I never, ever told them anything like that again. I have not spoken in any detail about any of the historic trauma to anyone. Even typing that here is hard. I will have to start soon with my T.

[Aloneandafraid]

Oh Jane. I am so sorry. Take good care of yourself. I hope you made it home safely? I too sat in my car after that last experience of being rushed out and time just disappeared - it was weird. It was as if I was in a dream. I am so sorry to read your last post. Sending you love and healing hugs. You are so brave. xx

[JaneC]

It's 11pm here, Tuesday, and I emailed T telling him I am miserable and asking for an appointment before my scheduled one which isn't until next Friday.....10 whole days away. Which right now feels like FOREVER!

Geez, I am so needy! I wonder if he will be kind and will have time to fit me in? Feeling bad for asking..........

[Aloneandafraid]

I so relate to this. Take care. Hope you can get some sleep. xxx
(It's mid-day where I am!) xx

[HazelGirl]

I think it was really, really good that you asked for another appointment. And good for you for knowing that the judging and guilty feelings were coming from inside you, and not from your T. These are all very, very good things! And asking for another appointment is showing good self-care. It may seem small, but it's something that you are doing because it's good for you.

What do you find are your biggest struggles with self care? Not knowing what to do; or not wanting to do what you do know?

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by JaneC

It's 11pm here, Tuesday, and I emailed T telling him I am miserable and asking for an appointment before my scheduled one which isn't until next Friday.....10 whole days away. Which right now feels like FOREVER!

Geez, I am so needy! I wonder if he will be kind and will have time to fit me in? Feeling bad for asking..........

10 days IS a long time when you're in the thick of it. I find the time in between sessions is worse if I feel insecure about my relationship with T. If I leave feeling fine, then the time isn't so hard. Only you know what you need, so don't be afraid to ask. (I say this as I really wanted another appt this week but was too chicken to ask) LOL

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Oh, I understand. I'm sorry you had so much invalidation also, it leaves scars we don't understand until much later I think.

I can't talk about childhood stuff. But at 14 I was raped......I couldn't tell my mother, nor anyone else. I internalised, then blocked it from my memory and told myself another story about that night. I was sexually assaulted a couple of times after that in my teens, then at 18 I was raped again. When I eventually told my family 2 years later about the one time at 18, after hearing that my sister had also just been.......I was told don't be ridiculous, you are lying just to get attention.

I never, ever told them anything like that again. I have not spoken in any detail about any of the historic trauma to anyone. Even typing that here is hard. I will have to start soon with my T.

Oh Jane, that's awful You're very brave to put it out here. I hope you can talk about it with your T soon too

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I had a tough session today. I've been in a bad place since sending T a list of trauma, and then have some tough situations irl since.

So I spent almost the entire session crying, when I wasn't checking out into space.

And my T just sat there! I mean, I know he tried to get me to see that some of thoughts were not useful or helpful for me right now and he tried to get me to be kinder to myself.

But I also felt judged! And I can't put my finger on why!! I also got quite annoyed at him on a couple of occasions and couldn't pinpoint why. I know this is a defensive thing on my part, but my mind seems to not be working properly and when asked I couldn't remember what triggered it!! This is soo frustrating!!!!!!!

On top of that, the session felt interrupted frequently.....some stupid staff member came and knocked on the door(he was annoyed at that) and then his flippin phone kept vibrating, from a call and then texts I guess. Towards the end of the session it happened again and I told him....lets stop, seems like you need to go and deal with whatever is happening on your phone. He didn't even apologise!!!!!!!!!

I don't know, am I being super over sensitive or is this not cool?

Also, I just felt like I needed him to comfort me in some way, and that didn't happen, and I also didn't say anything about that to him.....but I feel really let down because of it! I know, it's probably not his job to comfort me, but what do I do about this?

I just wanted him to give me a hug, which is unusual for me......this is so hard.

Wow, I felt like I could have written this post. I too felt judged in my last session and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me or with the therapist.

It was all too much so I canceled my appointment today. I think it's good and brave of you to work this out with your T. I wish you so much healing.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by JaneC

On top of that, the session felt interrupted frequently.....some stupid staff member came and knocked on the door(he was annoyed at that) and then his flippin phone kept vibrating, from a call and then texts I guess. Towards the end of the session it happened again and I told him....lets stop, seems like you need to go and deal with whatever is happening on your phone. He didn't even apologise!!!!!!!!!

I was in a mood when I walked into therapy last week and her phone kept freaking going off. It irked me so much that I finally said, "is that a phone." I knew the answer and I understand that sometimes we forget to turn things off but I think it's rude. It went off again before she finally turned it off. I have no interest in correcting her behavior so I hope it doesn't continue.

I realize your post was about more than this but this really hit home so I thought i'd join you in a moment of frustration.

Best of luck to you JaneC~ Hopefully you won't have to wait 10 days to feel a little more connected and cared for by him.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think it was really, really good that you asked for another appointment. And good for you for knowing that the judging and guilty feelings were coming from inside you, and not from your T. These are all very, very good things! And asking for another appointment is showing good self-care. It may seem small, but it's something that you are doing because it's good for you.

What do you find are your biggest struggles with self care? Not knowing what to do; or not wanting to do what you do know?

Oh HG, I still felt that my T was judging me! Maybe that is the step I missed out in my thinking about this. It's all my fault, it is all inside me only! And I struggle with doing self care, I think because I don't believe I deserve it. And I am probably lazy? Or I want to stay in the pain because it is easier and I deserve it?

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

10 days IS a long time when you're in the thick of it. I find the time in between sessions is worse if I feel insecure about my relationship with T. If I leave feeling fine, then the time isn't so hard. Only you know what you need, so don't be afraid to ask. (I say this as I really wanted another appt this week but was too chicken to ask) LOL

This is so true! And, I wish you had asked for what you needed, you deserve it.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Wow, I felt like I could have written this post. I too felt judged in my last session and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me or with the therapist.

It was all too much so I canceled my appointment today. I think it's good and brave of you to work this out with your T. I wish you so much healing.

Peejay, I wish you could call back and ask for your appointment. I bet your T would help you to work it out. Thank you for the wish for healing, right back at you too.

My T replied to my email first thing this morning. He said that he had been thinking about the length of time before seeing me again, and had intended to contact me and so was glad that I emailed. He wished me luck and sent support for my talk today with the difficult classmate. He then offered 2 appointment time options.

I was surprised that he had thought about me and reflected on my session between being his last client and first thing this morning. And that he was going to contact me, he hasn't before. I think, just maybe, that he genuinely cares about me and my wellbeing?? I am almost too afraid to believe it!