It seems like he has on his calendar:

1. 9/09/14 - Skies @ 2:15 - Withhold nurturance
2. 9/16/14 - Skies @ 3:00 - Provide nurturance
3. 9/23/14 - Skies @ 2:15 - Withhold nurturance
4. 9/30/14 - Skies @ 2:15 - Provide nurturance
etc.

I've been trying really hard to think that this is me. But I swear it's not.

When he is more nurturing, I'm more content during the following week, and seem to be more emotionally even. When he is less nurturing, I think about him constantly, contact him more, and have huge transference experiences and insights that I tell him about the following session.

Part of it must be my preoccupied attachment issues. Sometimes it reminds me of how I used to be attracted to 'unavailable men'. I think that happened, in part, because that is was what I was used to as a young child.

Does anyone relate?

[UnderRugSwept]

Can you tell him exactly what you have here? I hate inconsistency...that would drive me crazy. If you had parents who were there for you and then weren't (my mother was very much like this for quite a bit of my childhood), this has to be especially painful for you.

Yes, I bring it up all the time. Last session, I told him I needed him to be more comforting...he said that if he could comfort me more he would.

Every time I mention inconsistency, he tells me he is consistent. He is for the most part, so maybe it is just that I pick up on subtle differences? It can be his tone, voice patterns, facial expressions and other body language... But I also think everyone is a bit different here and there.

Maybe it IS just me? I'm confused. If it was just me, I could see thinking this around intense emotional experiences, but it's not that way. I think this all the time.

But I've never framed it this way, so maybe I will be more exact next time. Good idea.

[UnderRugSwept]

Maybe if you can give him concrete examples as you feel it happening? I know that is difficult, though...

[Can't Stop Crying]

hang in there....no great words of wisdom....keeping you in my thoughts

Yes, i'll have to make a plan of that.

It seems like he was somewhat withholding 2 sessions in a row--now I feel so incredibly desperate. It really plays into my issues, and I start to get really submissive and appeasing. Uggg.

And I'm getting sick of being so vulnerable with him all of the time, like when I tell him how desperate I feel. His nurturance feels intoxicating to me...Sometimes it feels like I need it as much as I need water.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by skies_

His nurturance feels intoxicating to me...Sometimes it feels like I need it as much as I need water.

Do you think he knows that? So perhaps he does want to be nurturing to you, but then senses your urgent need for it and then pulls back?

I do think its worse if you get it, for example, once...and then don't get it twice in a row. If he was consistent perhaps you wouldn't crave it so much, because it wouldn't feel like you were replaying a loss from your childhood over and over again?

[HazelGirl]

Ugh. That would drive me absolutely nuts! I couldn't handle it!

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

Do you think he knows that? So perhaps he does want to be nurturing to you, but then senses your urgent need for it and then pulls back?

I do think its worse if you get it, for example, once...and then don't get it twice in a row. If he was consistent perhaps you wouldn't crave it so much, because it wouldn't feel like you were replaying a loss from your childhood over and over again?

Yes! I think you really pinned it down. He might be pulling away. He does know this and when I told him of recently of intense needs and thoughts related to closeness, really young child feelings, he wanted to change the therapy up a bit. I know i'm too needy, and he knows this too. How could anyone not feel like pulling back?

Once I felt how good it was, I became addicted because of intense needs from childhood. My mother wasn't necessarily inconsistent, though; she totally neglected me. But she had to have done something right since I am here and alive...not thriving though.

T says what I refer to as sweet and nurturing = love. My last T said I needed to be loved by him too.

And I guess it's not his job to provide that; his role is to help me get better. But to be honest, that is part of the reason I am in therapy--to get some of that nurturing I never got. And I do need to be loved by someone. That's really all I want in life now. Just to be loved by someone special (I don't mean my therapist here). I am still not optimistic about that every happening.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Ugh. That would drive me absolutely nuts! I couldn't handle it!

I was just thinking that I didn't tell the whole story, so I don't want to be misleading....

He is always consistently accepting, understanding, attentive, and empathetic. Very active in listening and sharp and always seems interested. It's just the extra moments of nurturing--when he is protective or extra sweet, I leave feeling like I'm melting. I desperately crave this so much.

But I'm also thinking he's not generally as warm and fuzzy as your T, or other Ts. He never says/does some of the stuff I hear here. I'm ok with that, but it when he is like that it feels intoxicating.

I don't know how people can say a therapist's job is easy. I can't imagine him having more than 1 'me' to work with. I must be exhausting to him...

[Freewilled]

I think it is really hard for Ts when this type of dynamic is at play. They might feel a desire to provide the nurturance that is needed - almost pulled to do so. Yet, my theory is that they know it's not the ultimate goal. Maybe the goal is more to feel loved, yes - but not from our Ts or from anyone else. From within.

You know what the good thing would be about this? No one could take it away from us then

[Lauliza]

I just want to say I know exactly how you feel and I believe for exactly the same reasons stemming to relationships with men back to my childhood. It's my pdoc, not T, so he is less nurturing by default (and I see him once a month). When I do see him he is always kind, supportive and all that. But when I get just a little extra it's exhilarating, like you say. And when its just a tad less, so disappointing. I don't think its anything about him or his approach, I think it's about my need for male approval. I have no words of wisdom but I can certainly relate to how hard this must be for you...

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I think it is really hard for Ts when this type of dynamic is at play. They might feel a desire to provide the nurturance that is needed - almost pulled to do so. Yet, my theory is that they know it's not the ultimate goal. Maybe the goal is more to feel loved, yes - but not from our Ts or from anyone else. From within.

You know what the good thing would be about this? No one could take it away from us then

Ha-wonderful way to look at the bright side of this, Freewilled.

Every response I read, I think "yes, that's it!"....including this and the next one I didn't yet respond to....last T, who I still love and adore, said I naturally elicit those nurturing behaviors from him. I think this therapist doesn't get drawn into my patterns nearly as much as with former T. Which is good for my overall progress and well-being, but not as satisfying.

Anyway, I really like your theory.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I just want to say I know exactly how you feel and I believe for exactly the same reasons stemming to relationships with men back to my childhood. It's my pdoc, not T, so he is less nurturing by default (and I see him once a month). When I do see him he is always kind, supportive and all that. But when I get just a little extra it's exhilarating, like you say. And when its just a tad less, so disappointing. I don't think its anything about him or his approach, I think it's about my need for male approval. I have no words of wisdom but I can certainly relate to how hard this must be for you...

Thanks, Lauliza, for sharing and relating. It felt really good to read your thread....my eyes started to tear up. I thought about what you said, and because of my background and history, I think that perhaps your theory is the most likely.


What left me feeling desperate was the 2 sessions in a row w/o the extra nurturance. I was dissociative and had major emotional re-experiences last session, with lots of tears. I hardly ever cry in session but had lots of tears this time. I could barely talk at first, but told him how I feel apart, and all the triggers. And something really scary about my mother. He was very empathetic and helpful, and helped me understand why I was feeling all of these intense emotions and the thoughts...I guess with such an intimate and intense session, I did expect more. At one point I did ask for more comforting, but that didn't change his behavior.

I felt really good afterwards, then had a twinge that something was missing. Thinking about it, I started to feel deprived. So I texted him only a half hour later, telling him I needed a hug so bad. We Skype, so it was so depressing not to have that extra physical comfort. But when he returned text hugs to me, he did it in such a cute way, that it helped me feel a little more content afterwards.

Lots of good stuff in this thread.

[growlycat]

Your post is a funny and concise way of describing your situation perfectly.Hope you can share it with T!

[JustShakey]

I do relate, I struggle in the same way with preoccupied attachment and attaching to emotionally unavailable yet very needy people.
All I can say is just talk about it as much as you can.