Russian roulette therapy. Scared, scared, scared.

Well, so I wasn't terminated by default last week despite not responding with a yes or no to my T's deadline.

Thanks to the people who posted on my thread and were very patient and supportive, I also gleaned what I'm doing wrong, by all the self-censorship I do, how that isn't helping. I also am not able right now to go cold turkeying off therapy, it would be losing a resource.

Now it's the night before though, I am actually scared. This can't be good scared we'll have an awkward atmosphere, where I get annoyed at the futility and close down, and she gets aggressive, and if I choose to not shut down I will rise to it and get cross back and we'll just have a row. And then I'll waltz off into the sunset in a mad mix of pain and frustration again.

I'm worrying about whether my mood/ level of determination will be acceptable, if I hit the right mark it will be a great session and if I'm not good enough at being open/ enthused about new ideas, then it will go to the dogs. We exchanged a couple of nice messages over the week, and I practised being extremely blunt about something sexual (a good thing that happened) and she was encouraging, to try to brace myself for being as real as possible in session, so the relationship wasn't left on a cliffhanger, but...I dunno.

This is like russian roulette. I AM SO NERVOUS.

(((IG)))
You shouldn't be feeling like you have to walk a tightrope in therapy - and this post sounds like you do
I don't think quitting cold turkey would do you good either. Actually I think it might send you into a spiral. I think if you can you should try to see a second T for a while to help you get a handle on this situation.

i very much second seeing another T concurrently in order to leave this one. maybe try one, or a few, out for a few sessions until you find one you feel good about and then switch over to them. that way you don't have to be without a T but can be getting better help. a big part of T is being able to be accepted for the parts of ourself we are afraid to show others. if your T isn't handling those parts of you well then how can there be any trust to do the work with her? take care of yourself IG. i hope you can get off this rollercoaster soon.

I agree with seeing another T. Please stop the crazy train. You shouldn't have to do this, and it's not your fault it's happening.

It takes time to be able to expose the inner you, you might get hurt. Your Ts approach might not be helpful to where you are in this process though. Can you bring that up the next time you see her? Just tell her what you've said here and suggest that perhaps a more accepting approach on her part might be what you need at this time. Then decide what to do based on how she answers.

wow, I know you know what to do, its just scary , change is scary, but sometimes the outcome is good, i been through lots of change recently and thought i couldnt make it, remember my posts, I didnt leave therapists they left me, not because they were mean, but they chose other jobs, but we had connections in place , a year plus, maybe you have more years, but its not the quantity but the quality. I was dumped twice ( the way i see it) its heart breaking, but you move on. I had the best support here on this forum.
I know its different for you. its the same emotions though. I support whatever you decide. Sending you xox

I continue to agree with those who say that it is past time to move on.

New T. New T. New T.

My T has told me over and over I should never be afraid to say anything to her, to scream anything at her, etc. She has heard it all and will not kick anyone out for words.

This may be off the wall, but would it help, after telling your T how apprehensive you are, to play a "Truth or Dare" game without the dare? In other words, you each get to alternately ask a question, and whatever the answer is, it must be accepted with mirroring validation. The idea isn't to do follow-up, but to open the potential for getting the most worrisome stuff on the table and spoken aloud. But also to separate the answer from the response (which for you is probably a feared response at this time.)

Once the stuff is out there, even though it hasn't been discussed, it's sort of known between you. Maybe that would take the pressure off?