[Onward2wards]

I'm not sure if this is posted in the right place, but here goes.

I feel like I'm stuck in a "shell" in a way. I know I have symptoms of social phobia, a negative self-image, very weak assertiveness, and an excessively pessimistic mindset, and that these things are directly and indirectly responsible for me getting depressed.

Today I realized something. I want badly to get out of this shell, but it's like when I tear it down with one hand, the other hand is building it right back up and I'm not even aware this is happening! Is it possible that you can become so identified with whatever is dysfunctional but was once useful, that this becomes your identity? It's like running a mindless, self-sabotaging script that just refuses to turn off.

Meds are pretty much useless at stopping this. I no longer use them and don't miss them at all. I wish I had a therapist right now, but that's financially out of the question and may be for a while.

Anyway I don't know what to do about it. I cannot and will not tolerate being this way anymore, that's for sure. The lightbulb may want to change but what if it's corroded into the socket? What then? It's like I have no clue who I even am without these stupid mindless defenses. Nothing "exists" beyond that damn shell, and yet it's suffocating me.

[ThisWayOut]

I am that way with a lot of my more negative behaviors and mind-sets. They come and go depending on the situations I am in despite working hard on them in therapy and thinking I had made progress (ok, I had, but they come back when confronted with certain triggers). I think it's "normal" to not be able ot give something up easily when it is so ingrained in us. I have trouble doing it with the help of a therapist, I can;t imagine tring without. Definitely give you daps for that! That takes a lot of courage and dedication (even to try).
I have found things are easier undone when the resons behind them are addressed... you say therapy is out for the time being due to finances, is it possible to find someone with a reduced fee? I currently see a T through a community clinic and pay only $5/session. Prior to this T, I saw someone for free through a staate-funded assault clinic. Have you looked in your are for places that may offer cheaper therapy?
Aside of that, I guess the only thing I can think of to try is to just keep trying. Awareness/insight is the first step in changing things. So if you are aware of your self-sabotage, you can keep noting it, and eventually you will notice sooner and sooner until you notice the beginnings of it before it starts. At least, that is what happens with me around some difficult things. It's a frustrating process, but most major changes are...

For me, CBT was really helpful, but I now it isn't for everyone. I needed a series of concrete steps to follow to get out of the pit of despair I was stuck in. I needed someone to tell me, when you feel X, do Y. When A happens, do B. Have you thought about trying a different kind of therapy than whatever kind you are currently trying?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

Is it possible that you can become so identified with whatever is dysfunctional but was once useful, that this becomes your identity?

I think many therapists would agree with that. That's particularly a problem with depression.

[unaluna]

Oh excellent. I mean, not the situation, but the description. The lightbulb is corroded into the socket. I told my t about it, he was like, hey wait a minute! Thats why i felt like i had to stop moving, cuz i was going one step forward, two steps backwards in my life. I figured if i stopped, that would be a net gain. So for a while, i just stopped. I like who i am better now. A lot of weird stuff has fallen away. Yes i have been in therapy, but i feel like a lot of my "work" has been participating here, trying to be a better person here, trying to understand people here, trying to fit in here, finding my voice here.