Differences between infants who reject and infants who are rejected

I was reading on a different thread about the idea of being such a terrible infant that the parent rejects or abuses the child. I assume that the therapist then goes on to describe how adequate parents respond to their children.

In my situation, it was always put that I rejected my mother as an infant. I was not (shocking I know) all cuddly and complacent. The therapists have said infants do not usually reject their parents so it was a misreading on my own parent's part. I don't completely agree. There are unpleasant infants I have met who do not want others near them - not even their own parents.

Do others talk to the therapists about this difference?

I've never heard of such things but that is quite an interesting topic. I'm curious to gain others perspectives on this.

I grew into a toddler (around 1 yr old) who rejected people (i'd cry especially with my grandmother who loved me so much), but I'd had even in that small time, enough experiences with my mother to believe that perhaps I was being triggered by something on her (my grandmother was an avid smoker, and they'd found burn marks from cigarettes on me from my mother). I'm not sure if infants flat out just refuse nurture, as much as the nurturer not having figured out the best way to please the child.

For instance, I held a lady at my jobs 15 day old a few weeks ago, and she said that she could never get him to be quiet like he was with me (even offered me a babysitting position), but i'm inclined to believe that I had the baby in a position that put the most relief on whatever part of his body was stressing him (likely gas). It was obvious she felt rejected by the infant, but part of her must have known it was just that she wasn't reaching it because she tried (unsuccessfully though) to accommodate the baby into positions that she had seen worked for others.

So, I don't know. I guess in a way I do agree with the T that infants don't usually reject their caretakers (I wouldn't necessarily say the infant would give preference to the person with birth rights, so thats why I say caretaker, or whoever is providing the nurture).

How does anyone identify a "terrible" infant? That seems to imply they are capable of terrorizing.. I admit I do not understand the concept of labeling an infant as that, and having behaviors towards the infant be a response to that. It's just too convenient for parents who would rather deflect blame, for not having made better efforts with consistent and genuine actions to make a child feel safe and loved - regardless of the child's demeanor. Just my opinion.

Psych practitioners are quite curious about my lack of closeness with either parent, or with any other likely substitutes. I suppose it is a bit mystical how I ever managed to have healthy relationships in my own life, with no examples in my childhood to be found.

My mom always said that I was a daddy's girl, that I wouldn't take the bottle from her, and would wait until he got home.. but knowing my mother's penchant for manipulation of others, combined with the fact that I was bred in a very specific attempt to keep an already failing marriage together, I suspect that she was pushing this idea on both of us. She likely withheld the bottle from me, attempting to force bonding between myself and my father. However, my father - besides being a pedophile and a frightening rageaholic - was an extremely distant, stoic, and cold individual, so it very likely was an experience that actually had negative impact on me.

I just don't think that an infant can truly reject a parent; even logistically this seems quite impossible. I do think a lot of parents have unreasonable expectations about what kind of human their child should be, and what they should be for them. Dr. Phil has an expression "born with a job"; no child should be, but I definitely fall into the category.

I have talked to my ts about it. I have had a few conversations with my mother about it over the years. Plus i remember conversations with my brother and my father about my mother's bad attitude, also from early childhood to adulthood.

I have read that being overly responsible is a way of compensating for parental lack of responsibility, and i can see how that played out in my own life.

Everyone has a basic temperament. Some temperaments naturally elicit positive care-giving responses and others do not. I believe the natural response for a therapist is going to be for the parent (the party in control) to alter their behavior patterns for their child. There is no excuse or reason for an adult to ever neglect a child regardless of how the child naturally acts. A child cannot take care of itself, and it has a basic need for unconditional love.

Oh, and there is no such thing as a terrible infant. They aren’t doing anything wrong. They are just unique.

The conversations are about your mother rejecting you or you as an infant rejecting your mother?

This is very interesting, I have never heard of this, but would love to know more about it, I don't remember infancy all I remember is age 7 on.

I do know my mom says I was a very independent kid.

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The problem for me is I apparently rejected my mother while adoring my dad and grandmother (mother's mother). I don't have adhd nor spectrum situation (I was tested and am nowhere on the spectrum). I liked being rocked (that was the only way to get me to sleep besides driving me around in the car- they had an wind up rocker thing for me) and I adored rough-housing with my father and other children or even other non-children.

My son was like this, though not at all a "terrible" or rejecting infant. From what I've learned about child development that's not possible since infants do everything on instinct. My son didn't like being held, swaddled, being in baby carriers or anything like that. He didn't even like being rocked to sleep. The only time I could hold him was when I nursed him which was very often, so that took away some if the guilt I had for not holding him enough. Other than nursing, the only way to settle him was by walking him in a stroller was the only way to get him to settle down. He never liked touch growing up - hugging, holding hands or rough housing. He's grown out of some now and is totally well adjusted. He does have ADHD but his issues with touch and being held has been attributed to an underdeveloped nervous system. Very common in babies who grow up to have ADHD or on the autism spectrum.

Both ways. She says i started it, end quote. According to her, when i was two weeks old, they took me out of my crib to play with me in the living room, but i motioned with my head that i wanted to be taken back to the bedroom. I would like to know what two-week old infant can even hold their stupid head up, let alone indicate intent like that? Anyway, she also said recently (like in the past 10 years) that i rejected her first.

Stopdog, an infant simply cannot reject. They are literally wired to connect as they have no way of surviving alone. There is certainly inborn personality, but how that personality is expressed is entirely dependent on the caregivers.
The infant mirrors back what they see and then relate the expression to their experience. They learn to identify happy/sad loving/rejecting from what they see in the parent's face - focusing on faces and expression is innate, but we have to learn what those expressions mean.

An 'unpleasant' infant who doesn't want anybody near, can either be somewhere on the autism spectrum - having disfunction of the limbic brain, making attachment difficult, or they have had the kind of care that leads to an avoidant attachment pattern.

I'm in fine form this morning Stopdog. I kinda wish your mom was in range, because I could use a good target.
Unhugs.

Oops! Sorry Hankster. I am kind of in a state... Well, Hankster, and unhug Stopdog.

You may need some coffee -the post you responded to was from Hankster - not me.
And my mother is deceased now.

Neither of those is the situation for me. No spectrum and not bad care.

Sorry about that, I saw it as soon as I posted. I'm after spilling my coffee too. Must go get more...

I doubt you were an unpleasant infant either though. Just strong willed I'm thinking.

Mine said it would have been child abuse if she had hugged me as I was so rejecting. I've often wanted to point out that never hugging a child is a type of abuse!

Have you read much about attachment theory? It suggests an infant need only be attached to one primary caregiver, and it can be the dad. That you had a preferential and selective nature early on doesn't seem like such a negative thing to me, as it means you were already sensitively picking up and responding to cues from people, albeit it in a way that in some cases was not looked upon positively by the peoples.

I suppose I think there's a big difference between an adult feeling rejected, and an infant actually rejecting a parent, which, how does anyone know? No one is able to interview the infant, as to the reason for its various behaviors and styles of interaction.. in the end only a parent's perception about what happened can be recorded in the annals.

I don't believe any infant can reject a parent or other caregiver unless the caregiver was first rejecting or scary. I don't think a fussy baby indicates a baby who "rejects" another. Crying indicates being uncomfortable and unhappy, not rejecting.

My mother tells the story of how she was sitting and watching me cry one time, praying to god about how she did not want me and could not possibly take care of me so if god wanted me to live, he would have to take over with me, and then I rolled over and stopped crying and from that point forward did not want to be held. My mother tells me and anyone who will listen what a "creepy" child I was because I never wanted to be held. Even after telling that story, though, she says that I was the problem from the beginning. I was difficult. Colicky. Never satisfied. Fussy. Etc.

She also had some idea that I had some sort of divine destiny that god wanted me to live for. Thinking about it more, I really think it contributed to how much and how hard she hit. She did not really think she could kill me or I would die because she thought god had something I was intended for.

Have I mentioned my mother is mentally ill?

In my child psychology course in college (which I dropped out of because I was so disturbed and offended) the professor did speak about these difficult to raise infants and young children who acted in a rejecting, difficult-to-satisfy manner. She spoke about the research and reality that showed they were more likely to be abused.

It was a very very very difficult discussion.

At the time, I literally couldn't handle it- I was young and had just left my abusive parents, I was afraid and disturbed to consider the abuse might be my fault or any child's fault.

Of course, my professor was NOT saying abuse was the child's fault, she was explaining that certain behaviors and types were more likely to be abused, a correlation, not a justification.

So, yes, I've heard and talked about this some. Sigh.

I will say, a factor I personally consider very relevant that I don't recall being discussed, was how personally the adult takes the infant's behavior. I for example, did not feel rejected by certain behaviors of my daughters- I had a strong enough sense of ego to not be put off by certain things, but my husband perceived certain behaviors very differently, internalized them as rejection, and I think that can contribute too- not just the child's behavior, but the way a person perceives it.

What if you're looking at this backwards?

What if the parent is already a rough or scary individual, capable of abusing their child, who then illicits this response in their infant?

I'm not talking about how I'm looking at it Hazel, I'm talking about research, which included controlled variables.

Yeah, I don't much go in for speculation about this type of thing, blech.

How can you account for that type of variable? If the parent's neglect or lack of attunement and scary demeanor towards their child began at birth, how can you know how the child would have responded to a different situation?

The same way you control for variables in any research.

You have a significant sample size.
You do profiles, you evaluate the subjects, you control conditions, etc. etc.

There are a host of ways to do it and different studiess to evaluate different factors which then go into metaanalysis to further filter them into quality data.

That doesn't mean I liked it, but we have to remember: infants and children have temperaments too- they are not 100% formed, realized in response to their parents. Humans have innate qualities from birth. It's not all nurture.