[Crook32]

Do you ever find yourself saying "I don't know" a lot during a session? How long did your T let you get away with it before challenging you?

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[Perna]

It was several years before my T and I decided I should quit saying it (cold turkey! :-) and it was fine. The big issue for me I think was the time it took to figure out the answer but she gave me that time and I gave me that time and I was able to eventually "check my heart" quickly enough to know the answer, whatever it was.

[healed84]

I say I don't know when I don't want to answer a question.. So, it is not a huge issue because I don't generally refuse to answer questions. So, when I do start doing that, T tries a different approach to get the info out, or he just lets it go and tries again at another session.

[HazelGirl]

YES. A lot.

My T let's me say it, and knows it's a cue for her to jump in and help me out.

[sweepy62]

I say it ocassionally , she knows either I'm avoiding , or I'm not understanding the question, so she frames it differently. If I still don't answer , then she will jump in and help because its avoidance.

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[roimata]

Yes. Her usual response is "you don't know or you don't want to tell me?"

[ThisWayOut]

I do it a lot. this new t has started challenging very early on (like in the ffirst session, ugh!) on a lot of stuff, and she kinda does with this, but then she tries to eother re-phrase or help me answer...

[archipelago]

I think this is quite common and also that therapists take it in different ways and do different things about it.

I don't do this now and can't remember if I used to, but it is quite likely that I did. I guess since I was so clueless when I started therapy and now feel like being able to recognize and name emotions is like a great thing that I try to do it as much as I can. It's like I felt like a baby only able to crawl and suddenly learned to walk and now want to try out walking.

If I am truly stuck, I'm more likely to fall silent, especially if upset. I was never taught to reach out so there are still times when I shut down and pull away. Saying "I don't know" could be a mild version of that, I suppose, but it is also maybe more likely that you just haven't explored it so really don't have an answer. I guess this doesn't happen that much because I do a lot of self-analysis and want to use my session time to get to things so I usually do have a sense of what is going on or a set of questions or hunches about it.

[Crook32]

I know I do it sometimes to avoid the question. Other times I am just not really sure how to answer the question.

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My T said "if I had a pound for every time you said 'I don't know' I'd be a rich man" I felt like replying that his fee is actually about that!
He usually says "the only person who can know is you" or something to that effect, but yeah I say it a lot

[Soccer mom]

I say it ALL THE TIME. She has pointed it out but hasn't offered me a suggestion. She thought it was a way for me not to answer the question. I usually really don't know how to answer the question because, I think, I don't know how to describe my feelings due to emotional neglect in childhood. I'm trying not to...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Normally, if I say "I don't know", my T asks me to take some time and think about the answer.

Some "I don't know"s are really because I don't know...but my T tends to recognize those situations.

Other times, I say "I don't know how to answer that" or "I don't understand". Then she'll help explain or even help me with examples.

[Myrto]

Well I said "I don't know" at least 5 times today. It's often because I don't want to go there as it's too painful but sometimes I truly don't know, for example when my T asks me a question like "how could you try to avoid reacting that way in the future?". Well, I don't know, if I knew I wouldn't be here, would I?
I often tell her that. And, to her credit, she remains patient while I act like a teenage brat.

CBT T gets pissed when I say "I don't know" too much. He's of the firm belief that most people really do know what they want. Like, for instance, if someone asks if you would rather have McDonalds or Burger King, most people know what they PREFER.

Nine times out of ten I DO know the answer to his questions, but I just feel too uncomfortable to say it. He knows this, and will still challenge me to answer. Often times I get frustrated cause I feel like he's quizzing me for a "proper" answer. He's always asking "What does that tell you?" And I can never give him an answer, cause I'm wondering what it's supposed to be telling me, that I'm just not getting. So I ask him, "I don't know, why don't you just say it?" And he usually will, after plenty of my eye rolls.

[Mikeyboy]

I say it, and it's either because I have major mental fog and can't think well or remember, in which case "I don't know" is pretty true, or it's because I am being obstinate and that's my way of saying "I don't want to answer that."

If it's me being obstinate, she knows full well I'm never going to do something I don't want to, and leaves it to come back to it some other time.

[Rainydaiz]

Lol mine says, "what do you think you would say if you DID know?!" She's a canny one!

[junkDNA]

my old T banned me from saying it

[The_little_didgee]

My I don't know's are almost always answers to questions about my emotions, because I have a hard time describing them.

I have tried to say it on occasion. When i have, my t replies with "YES YOU DO."

[StressedMess]

I say it a lot and she calls me on it. I'm allowed to have an opinion and it's even okay if my opinion differs from everyone else's. I never had choices in my life, so I never had strong opinions. She's encouraging me to form them, large amounts of them. I hate it!!

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[StressedMess]

I think I derailed the thread. When I say I don't know it's my way of rolling over and exposing my throat, shades of dominance and submission. When I speak up and say what's really on my mind it's scary as heck.

I never learned how to be assertive. I was never encouraged to say I prefer green instead of blue or paper instead of plastic, and my stock response has always been, I don't know, or it doesn't matter, or T's personal favorite "whatever is more convenient for you!" She cringes when I trot that one out. It's so horrible that I can't even choose my own appointment time when given a choice, I'm just not used to having choices or making decisions.

Does that open any lines of discussion?

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[Crook32]

You are right I forgot about me using "I don't know" when I want to avoid making decisions.

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[Daycia]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

I think I derailed the thread. When I say I don't know it's my way of rolling over and exposing my throat, shades of dominance and submission. When I speak up and say what's really on my mind it's scary as heck.

I never learned how to be assertive. I was never encouraged to say I prefer green instead of blue or paper instead of plastic, and my stock response has always been, I don't know, or it doesn't matter, or T's personal favorite "whatever is more convenient for you!" She cringes when I trot that one out. It's so horrible that I can't even choose my own appointment time when given a choice, I'm just not used to having choices or making decisions.

Does that open any lines of discussion?

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Exactly me! I really feel like I just do not care. Period. But then when it is stuff like where do you want to go eat? I say I really don't care...except you know the top 3 places that I do not like. And it seems my bf will purposely still pick those places I do not like. Sometimes I give in other times I take forever so it's to late to go eat there. Or he just says he's kidding and takes me to a place he knows I'm okay with.
As far as my T I have just started and I already know it'll be a problem with my "I don't know" answers. Being indifferent about things is the way I've always been. Especially when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. I would like my T to help me with that and hope she can challenge and help me figure out my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I need to be doing to research and telling them what they need to do to help me! And then I feel like I shouldn't have to do that.
Showing some assertiveness is good. That way me and anyone else like me will not be run over daily by people and constantly having this heavy feeling and having to walk on egg shells. I know what I need to do but breaking out of it puts me into an panic attack. I've got some work and not going to stop. I hope everyone else in here keeps up the good work too!

Daycia

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by Crook32

Do you ever find yourself saying "I don't know" a lot during a session? How long did your T let you get away with it before challenging you?

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My t makes derisive noises when I say I don't know, it frustrates her and she looks at me like I'm
Wasting her time when I do it

[LadyGazelle]

My stock response in therapy is often 'I don't know' but I've been told to say instead 'I don't want to tell you' which is what I really mean when I say 'I don't know' or told to think about what I want to say instead of saying 'I don't know'.

Probably my first indication he was a good therapist since few people ever challenge me on things like this in life, besides maybe my husband but he has to live with me so I think that's why he doesn't do it more.

I always assume the other person doesn't want to hear what I have to say so my go to response when I'm suppose to talk is often 'I don't know' hoping the other person will give up and not ask further. I knew this but it was rare and eye-opening to have it challenged.

For the curious he usually leaves me alone if I respond with 'I don't want to tell you' he just would rather hear that than 'I don't know' since it's a dismissive statement, I really do know I just don't want to say.