[ThisWayOut]

I write a lot to my T in a private blog, but she never sees it because we have never discussed it (used to write to my old T in it, but never did ask new T whether it's ok). Because of this, I am no longer sure what I have told her and what I simply mean to tell her.

I had intended to bring up the topic of connection (or lack there of) between sessions this past week, but I didn't get around to doing it explicitely. The thing is, T offered that I call and leave her messages on her voice mail as needed. She said she will not necessarily retun them, but that I can always just talk to her via vm if I need/want. Now I am wondering if I did not already bring up the lack of connection and trust between sessions in a past meeting but have since forgotten? I know I space out a lot. I know I dissociate to the point of losing several hours or even days, so I guess it's not out of the realm of me having asked her about ways to connect but been so out of it that I don't remember... She also addressed boundries last session, which I had also meant to ask about, but had not gotten to before she mentioned it. I know I could ask her this next session (or even through vm), but I guess I'm trying to get my bearings around it first. I know I did not call her about this stuff, and it would have to have been something mentioned in person (when I have called and left a message before, she always let me know she got the message the next session, even if I don't remember leaving it)...

I dunno. I guess I'm confused. I need to find a better way to keep track of what it is we talk about, and what I actually bring up to her so that I am not either agonizing over bringing up something we have already talked about, or never bringing up something because I think I have said it, but it was really just written down for myself.

My other question is around how to get over feleing like a burden or a bother when reaching out. T gave me permission to call and talk to her vm about anything (pretty much) at any time. This is with the understanding that she will not necessarily get back to be in a timely manner, or even at all before next session. I told her about my worries of becomming annoying, and she reiterated that I can call her "to vent or whatever" and she will hear it. I'm still super-worried about becoming annoying. I'm worried that I will drive her nuts with anything and everything I may think to call about (though in reality I don't call often at all unless I'm in crisis, at which point she would be re-directing me to a crisis line for immediate contact with someone). I don't know how to get over this worry. There was stuff I wanted to call and leave a message about this weekend, but I couldn't speak once I got her vm, so I hung up. I know it's stuff I would not feel comfortable saying in person, but apparently can't say over vm either. I worry that she will be frustrated by it, and the offer to leave her messages will be taken away as fast as it appeared. How can I get over this huge fear? (Part of this comes from the message being a request to go slower at the moment and asking her to back off on challenging quite so much all at once).

For some reason with her my kid side and adult side are both around at the same time, and I argue with myself over the best way to proceed with anything end everything. I doubt everything I am about to do or say...

Sorry this post doesn't make any sense at all. It's so all over the place.

[Leah123]

If you want to keep track of session content, I'd suggest jotting down topic notes as you cover them in session, if you fear being so dissociated post session that you'll forget. Another option is to record sessions, but that gets a bit more complicated. A third option is to close the gap between what you write on your blog and your therapist: give her access.

Finally, since she's offered voicemail, you might try leaving a couple messages when something pressing is on your mind, but consider first whether or not post-message anxiety might really bother you. For some it does, for others not so much or it's manageable.

By the way, what you're describing is pretty common. I went through all those issues too with a past therapist- calling and hanging up, writing her and not being sure if we'd discussed the writings, constantly warring over what to say... so, you're not alone in any of that, for many people it's a part of therapy.

Hopefully you'll go slow and gentle, not pressure yourself, and find that once you feel really comfortable with her, everything comes together better and is easier for you to retain, and easier to share.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I write a lot to my T in a private blog, but she never sees it because we have never discussed it (used to write to my old T in it, but never did ask new T whether it's ok). Because of this, I am no longer sure what I have told her and what I simply mean to tell her.

I had intended to bring up the topic of connection (or lack there of) between sessions this past week, but I didn't get around to doing it explicitely. The thing is, T offered that I call and leave her messages on her voice mail as needed. She said she will not necessarily retun them, but that I can always just talk to her via vm if I need/want. Now I am wondering if I did not already bring up the lack of connection and trust between sessions in a past meeting but have since forgotten? I know I space out a lot. I know I dissociate to the point of losing several hours or even days, so I guess it's not out of the realm of me having asked her about ways to connect but been so out of it that I don't remember... She also addressed boundries last session, which I had also meant to ask about, but had not gotten to before she mentioned it. I know I could ask her this next session (or even through vm), but I guess I'm trying to get my bearings around it first. I know I did not call her about this stuff, and it would have to have been something mentioned in person (when I have called and left a message before, she always let me know she got the message the next session, even if I don't remember leaving it)...

I dunno. I guess I'm confused. I need to find a better way to keep track of what it is we talk about, and what I actually bring up to her so that I am not either agonizing over bringing up something we have already talked about, or never bringing up something because I think I have said it, but it was really just written down for myself.

My other question is around how to get over feleing like a burden or a bother when reaching out. T gave me permission to call and talk to her vm about anything (pretty much) at any time. This is with the understanding that she will not necessarily get back to be in a timely manner, or even at all before next session. I told her about my worries of becomming annoying, and she reiterated that I can call her "to vent or whatever" and she will hear it. I'm still super-worried about becoming annoying. I'm worried that I will drive her nuts with anything and everything I may think to call about (though in reality I don't call often at all unless I'm in crisis, at which point she would be re-directing me to a crisis line for immediate contact with someone). I don't know how to get over this worry. There was stuff I wanted to call and leave a message about this weekend, but I couldn't speak once I got her vm, so I hung up. I know it's stuff I would not feel comfortable saying in person, but apparently can't say over vm either. I worry that she will be frustrated by it, and the offer to leave her messages will be taken away as fast as it appeared. How can I get over this huge fear? (Part of this comes from the message being a request to go slower at the moment and asking her to back off on challenging quite so much all at once).

For some reason with her my kid side and adult side are both around at the same time, and I argue with myself over the best way to proceed with anything end everything. I doubt everything I am about to do or say...

Sorry this post doesn't make any sense at all. It's so all over the place.

Good way to put it - my kid side and adult side argue all the time too. Right in the middle of a session I'll WANT to tell her something and then the adult me says why tell if nothing will change. So frustrating.

[HazelGirl]

Could you tell her that you have trouble remembering what you talked about, so you might be repeating yourself, but you wanted to bring up the lack of feeling connected between sessions?

[ThisWayOut]

I called and left a message asking if we could slow stuff down because I'm getting too overwhelmed between sessions. I will try to write everything down again and maybe leave her a message asking if she could help me remember to reference my list. I keep wanting to leave therapy, but I know it would be a crappy decision at this point.
Thank you all for your input. I was trying to respond individually, but my phone is not having the forums right now :/
(got on here on the computer.
Leah, Yeah, I think I will try to get over my anxiety of leaving her messages and try a self-imposed limit to see if that helps make it easier (maybe max 3 a week, and they have to be "bigger" things to help relieve anxiety in the moment). I definitely want to try the list thing and ask her to help me reference it, but I will wait with that message till later in the week. Post-messaage anxiety is not my biggest hurdle, it's pre-message anxiety... lol! I also want to ask her about the blog. I know they have some more strict rules around electronic contact, but maybe I can do the same thing I originally had with previous T, where she only needs to read the blog say the day before session, and I don't expect a response or anything from her for it, just to pass on info. Writing is so much easier than talking.
Soccer mom, it's so weird, I thought I was the only one! They are literally arguements in my head between those two sides... most of the time it's my adult self chiding my kid side about being too needy or annoying or frustrating or...
hazelGirl, I totally didn't think of telling her I tend to forget the session (though she has seen it in action), thanks for suggesting it. I will put that on my list of things to talk about...)