Super Anxious

I have to go talk to my T about this past week today, in about 4 and a half hours. Eek!

I am so scared of what she will say or think, or if she will judge me. I am absolutely terrified.

Pocket rider here!!!

it has been my experience that the only time I felt judged by t is when I judge myself harshly for what I do. most of the time t is normalizing what I think is weird or not normal behaviors. she makes everything ok. we have to learn how to trust our ts. take care.

This is true of me, too. My problem is that I can hear her say one thing, but take it to mean the complete opposite and feel judged. It's awful. And I know that I'm doing it when I do, but I can't seem to stop it from happening or affecting me.

I just read your previous thread to understand the background a bit better. It left off right with you saying you told her what you were afraid of. It didn't say whether she responded either to that or just in general to the appointment today.

It did say that she was concerned and that you could show up and talk about anything, not necessarily any of this. You do have the option. At times when things are too hard or feel too hot to handle, sometimes picking something else to focus on is grounding and makes the other issue easier when you are ready for it.

A therapist I had once told me that you don't and can't always dive. Sometimes just floating and breathing is the best thing to do. Perhaps he should have included wading?

I don't know if that is helpful or not. I don't know you well enough or what is truly the issue. I know I do feel anxious about interactions I've had and strange about showing up to session. I start usually pouting and silent, but my therapist usually has a way of approaching me that makes me feel more comfortable.

Yours sounds like she will be sensitive and certainly nonjudgmental, perhaps know how to approach you to make you feel more comfortable, perhaps even sense that maybe going into things isn't the best right now. Just being there for the connection is all that actually needs to take place from my point of view.

She did reply, and has been very nonjudgmental. But I am worried that in session, she will ask a lot of difficult questions, and will become judgmental when she hears more about the situation.

Okay, now I understand more. You did say in the previous thread that she invited you to show up and talk about anything. Do you feel that you have to talk about this right now? Would it bother you more to leave it alone? Or is it possible to bracket it off for a later discussion?

I need to talk about this. I can't not do so at this point. And I think she would really want to talk about it. I could refuse, but I think that would make it worse. I am worried about shutting down, though, and not being able to.

Sounds really tough. And agonizing to anticipate. I'm so sorry. I can see how the worry of what may happen and that you might shut down would be really really hard to even show up.

If you feel like a part of you needs to talk about it, perhaps she will be able to help that part of you figure out some way of at least starting. Her desire to talk about it should be way less of a factor. She needs to do what is best for you, not her. If she senses that you are having such difficulty it would seem clear that pushing you is not the way to go.

I can only go from my own experience though and trying to piece together yours. My therapist would allow me space, even silence, if that is what seems safest. There have been times when he has asked and gone beyond where I could go, so I have shut down. He just then attended to that and realized that he had made a mistake. He owned it as his mistake not my problem. And worked to make me feel safer so that I could open up again.

Mine does wonderfully with that type of thing. I am the one who doesn't want to shut down.

Then you are not afraid of her but of yourself?

I'm not sure. It gets confusing at that point.

I think I project my fears a lot. I tell my T I am afraid of her a lot, but on reflection, I am almost always afraid of my own reaction to things, if that makes sense. I am afraid of my own judgment and self-criticism, and I project all that outward onto her. So it becomes a confusing mess of who or what am I really afraid of?

It makes sense to me. I thought that therapists are there in part to be projected onto? I mean that is what is the basis of a lot of work if people believe that transferences of these kinds are therapeutically valuable. Maybe not everyone thinks that.

That's the viewpoint of psychoanalysis, which my T doesn't practice. But she does use my transference and such as insights, and that can be helpful.

Yeah, using the projections to sort out what belongs to you and to her would help with that other confusion you pointed out, but may not be what is important right now.

You were honest with her about something that you don't like and still feel upset about the fallout, is the way that I'm hearing some of what is going on. And there is also fear understandably.

You advised me in a thread, where I was upset, to be honest, which at the time I couldn't bear the thought of. But I actually did take that advice the next day and was totally forthcoming about something that could have ruined many things. I was totally freaked and did not know what to expect, didn't even want to find out.

Turns out the person was very understanding and it didn't bother her, that if it came up in some sort official way we would work around it somehow. I still felt horrible because I was sure it would ruin things even though she was nice about it.

I was wrong. Nothing was made of it. It didn't have any effect. I ended up totally in the clear and got extra points for being upfront when I didn't have to, thanks to your advice.

I'm sitting in my car about to go to my appointment. Wish me luck.

Thinking of you!

Ok...I survived. I actually did really well.

I worried my T this week, though. She was so concerned about how hopeless I was and how much I was pulling away. She even said she was very concerned that I might commit suicide (I reassured her I wasn't going to ). But it reminds me how much she genuinely does care. She had this thing about justice. She absolutely HATES injustices, and she really feels like the situation I am dealing with is unjust to me. She threatened to call the person who is causing problems, but I told her she definitely shouldn't do that. And she said she had to remind herself that she needed to be there to support me, not to fix my problem or try to protect me. It was nice to hear someone say they wanted to protect me from other people. It's not something I got very much of growing up. And I am glad she understood how much pain I was in, rather than trying to analyze my fault in the situation. I do really appreciate her.