[Kated1984]

I ask because I discovered with the help of therapy that my parents behaviour and attitudes are most likely the cause for my anxiety and depression. They really held me back and I didn't really enjoy my childhood. At the time and up until recently I knew nothing else but the more I go through therapy I find I want to distance myself from them more and more and I even found myself placing the wants and needs from childhood on to someone else. Today I went out to buy a birthday card for my dad and I found it really hard to choose one, they are all so soppy or say things like 'best dad' and I just don't have those sorts of feelings towards my dad. I think before therapy I would have bought something like that though, out of habit.
Also my SO's family, they are nothing like my family, they are very family orientated and on the whole positive but i'm finding them really irritating at the moment and feeling like they only contact us when we have something they need and i'm being very outspoken towards everyone - I was so shy! I didn't feel like this before therapy. Is it the therapy doing this?

[growlithing]

For me, therapy has helped me figure out why I hate my family and stop suppressing my hatred of them for the sake of tradition. I used to really try and justify their behaviors because I felt socially obligated to "love" my parents. Now, I understand that I can't love them. I can fake it, but doing so makes me feel like I'm betraying myself and my values. They don't deserve my love and they don't have it. They never will just as I never truly had theirs.

[HazelGirl]

For me, therapy has made me aware of my family's impact on me. What you're describing sounds like a phase, something to talk about with your therapist, and something that will probably pass in time.

[musinglizzy]

YES!! I don't want to use the word hate, but therapy has definitely brought out strong, negative emotions towards my mom that didn't used to be there. They WERE at one time, but I tried like heck to let go (I didn't speak to her for 10 years). Therapy, in general, has brought out a bit more anger. Of course I'm typing this as I just walked in the door from therapy 10 minutes ago.... and feeling the post-therapy jitters. But one thing I DO know for sure is that yes, therapy has definitely changed the way I see my mom. Again.

[Kated1984]

I thought everything was starting to improve and I suddenly feel like i'm worse than I was before. Full of sadness and frustration right now.

My T says I become most animated and angry when talking about my brother. I think I probably wouldn't have realised how much he affects me without being in therapy so I guess it doesn't make me hate my family more, it makes me realise how much I always hated them.

[Partless]

Kated, I think this is such an important and common issue and I am glad you brought this up. It made me sad to read how you are struggling, especially the part about finding buying your dad a birthday card so hard. I've been there. I have had similar thoughts in the past. So I'll share some personal opinions:

I don't know if you meant the first sentence to be a bit humorous, the idea that with "the help" of therapy you've come to see your parents' "behaviour and attitudes are most likely the cause for my anxiety and depression." But I think a lot of people end up wondering about that, about if this is the price of going for therapy, of analyzing things?

That's part of the reason I personally don't recommend anybody to go for therapy unless they have to. And if they have to, make sure you go for the therapy that fits your personality and your views and so forth. Some therapies, for instance, are totally focused on people's very early childhood. You go in there with current problems and the therapist takes you back to childhood which you often end up seeing as cause for a lot of your current problems, and people can feel upset because they may have had good memories and also because they can't do anything about the past. They can not go back developmentally and fix things. So all they're left with are facing these people (their parents) who messed them up and are the cause of their pain and suffering. That rage can be frightening to both the person and his/her parents. So the problem they wanted to quickly fix actually ends up not getting fixed because it's related to something else and they're left with additional bigger problems!

So for some people CBT works best I think because you just look at your current situation and try to focus on that. And CBT has been quite successful in that area. Of course, some people are not satisfied and they themselves want to go into their past and find and process the problems there.

Btw I like to say I don't like the idea of thinking of parents "causing" something. Especially when you look at something that happened years ago. I think of it as them having a big influence on things but not being "the cause." I think a lot of things come together to make us who we are, for better or worse. The opposite is also true: a successful professional athlete can not claim that his parents were "the" cause of his success. They can have a major influence but not be the cause. Too many factors make us who we are, including our own will and desires.

I think there is the additional issue therapy being a sort of a narcissistic affair. You go in there and it's all about you, you, you, who did what to you, how you feel about it, about your potentials, about your wishes and desires, etc. The therapist tries to disappear and let that hour belong to you. Back in the day, parents too had difficulties but they had to suck it up. They had to work, had to raise kids, life had to go on. Best they could get was some time sharing problems with a friend, who often times would also try to tell them their own problems, so it was far from one-sided. Nor was the other an expert.

Unfortunately, another added layer is private therapists who may act unethically and even when they know the client is wrong, can convince themselves that they will not criticize the client because she "is not ready" to hear certain things (while the main reason being that they don't want to lose the client). S the therapy ends up going on and on and on, with no real change or understanding taking place.

Now having said all this, if you have a good ethical therapist and if you agree with the method or framework of the therapy you're going for (e.g. if there are childhood hurts you want to get to the bottom of), it is a good idea to give it a chance, to be patient. Sure sometimes hatred goes higher and higher...but then goes down or is replaced by other feelings. Sometimes you may end up seeing your parents as monsters, as strangers, sometimes you might feel nothing towards them, sometimes you might feel frightened of them. The important thing is to share these feelings with the therapist and see what he thinks. That's key. Sometimes people who have been abused in the past or have been traumatized in some way, are unable to face those incidents. Because when you go down that dark hole, things actually get worse before they get better. You become scared of the world, of your family, of yourself even. You might feel you're losing touch with reality as you knew it. But often times these things are temporary. And when you share your feelings with your therapist, that's how you find out. She might realize that she's been pushing you too much and so she will back off. Or she might think you're on to something and you're almost there. But share. And be patient.

[RedCedar]

For a long time I would refuse to talk about my parents in therapy for fear of saying something bad about them. Then when I finally did start talking I felt unimaginably guilty, but underneath that guilt was a lot of anger. I also found myself distancing from my family a lot. It's only been really recently that I've started to be able to reconnect with them in a much healthier way. I am able to acknowledge that they were really abusive, and their behavior left some lasting negative impacts o my life, but I also have a lot more understanding and compassion for them and for why they did the things they did. So yeah, it did make me dislike them more for a while, but then it made me able to rebuild a healthier (still more distant than pre-therapy, but that's a good thing) relationship with them eventually.

[lilypup]

My T helped me realize that my parents were "toxic". I got away from them emotionally. Best thing I ever did.

[MissMoody87]

I don't feel like my therapist makes me hate my mom. She just validates my feelings and lets me know I am not the only one who can see my moms issues.

[growlycat]

My longtime T helped me understand that the way our parents f* us up is just one link in a generational chain of dysfunctional behavior. It is passed from one generation to the next until someone breaks the chain.

In cases of outright abuse, this isn't a great excuse, but it makes it more understandable

[stopdog]

No it hasn't. I don't think therapy has had any bearing on how I view my family.

No. As someone who had child protective services involved in my life as a child because of my parents' actions I have known for a long time how they affected me. Therapy helps me reduce that negative impact and accept that I can't change the past or them and they have their own painful pasts. I refuse to be bitter toward them. Only I can change my life. They cannot help me in any way and never have been able to. They just can't and I accept that.

[RedSun]

Yes, definitely.
It's kind of burst that bubble of my perfect childhood

But it feels okay now. It has empowered me really, difficult to explain. Also, I've moved a long way from my family of origin, and I don't feel guilty about that now!

[Ambra]

Yes.. I don't *hate* my family, I really love them actually. But I realized how angry I am at them and at this point the lovely/ superficial relationship we had has turned into an aggressive one, especially on my side.

[The_little_didgee]

Not at all. It has increased my understanding of their actions. I love my family. They have always been good to me. The only issue I had was with how my mom dealt with my social difficulties. My lack of friends concerned her enough that she would pressure me to socialize. Her intention was to help me feel connected with others outside our family. Her actions did cause (indirect) harm because I internalized them. I had no idea why I had such a hard time making friends so I started thinking there was something seriously wrong with me.

What messed me up was not knowing I had ASD and getting misdiagnosed with a PD that implied I came from a dysfunctional family which was far from the truth.

[Asiablue]

Hmm this is a good question. It hasn't made me dislike them more, if anything I understand now more of the dynamics in the family, why my parents did what they did, I see them as flawed individuals, victims of their own upbringing. I can even feel compassion for them sometimes. But also there's a part of me ( a childlike part) that hates them, is angry with them for the damage they've done, for how they were never and will never be what I need. And I still have that to work thru to a great extent.

I don't really like my parent's as people, they aren't the type of people I'd want to be friends with. I have little in common with them. But I'd say therapy has definitely made me distance myself from them, put up healthier boundaries, respect myself to enough of a degree to not allow myself to be treated badly anymore. I am distant with my mother right now because frankly I don't know how to be around her, how to change the toxic patterns or how to have any semblance of a relationship with her. So right now I'm happy to leave things be until I can find a way to be around her that doesn't hurt me.

But sometimes I get angry and unreasonable and feel like therapists have destroyed my relationship with my mother, they've made me see the dysfunction, and while it was never good before at least I still had my parents in my life, whereas now I have nothing, and therapists go back to their happy little families at the end of the day. But I know that's not strictly accurate. Basically, it's very complex the changes we are going thru. Therapy isn't for the faint-hearted.

[Kated1984]

Originally Posted by Partless

Kated,

I don't know if you meant the first sentence to be a bit humorous, the idea that with "the help" of therapy you've come to see your parents' "behaviour and attitudes are most likely the cause for my anxiety and depression." But I think a lot of people end up wondering about that, about if this is the price of going for therapy, of analyzing things?

That's part of the reason I personally don't recommend anybody to go for therapy unless they have to. And if they have to, make sure you go for the therapy that fits your personality and your views and so forth. Some therapies, for instance, are totally focused on people's very early childhood. You go in there with current problems and the therapist takes you back to childhood which you often end up seeing as cause for a lot of your current problems, and people can feel upset because they may have had good memories and also because they can't do anything about the past. They can not go back developmentally and fix things. So all they're left with are facing these people (their parents) who messed them up and are the cause of their pain and suffering. That rage can be frightening to both the person and his/her parents. So the problem they wanted to quickly fix actually ends up not getting fixed because it's related to something else and they're left with additional bigger problems!

Btw I like to say I don't like the idea of thinking of parents "causing" something. Especially when you look at something that happened years ago. I think of it as them having a big influence on things but not being "the cause." I think a lot of things come together to make us who we are, for better or worse.

.

I worded it wrong yesterday. Too literal perhaps. Its hard to explain but my mother & fathers behavior definitely had a negative affect on me and left me feeling pretty worthless, hence the anxiety. So I think I'd be right to pin that on them.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Kated1984

I worded it wrong yesterday. Too literal perhaps. Its hard to explain but my mother & fathers behavior definitely had a negative affect on me and left me feeling pretty worthless, hence the anxiety. So I think I'd be right to pin that on them.

I understand what you're saying. My talk about someone being "the" cause or not, it does not take away from the huge influence parents' actions and attitudes have on us. Especially early in life, a parent is a huge part of the infant and later the young child's world. We rely on them for love, for protection, for guidance. But as we grow up, we are also exposed to their interpretation of the world for us. That's why a lot of times we we adopt their views and attitudes (or sometimes rebel against them to such extreme levels we hurt ourselves).

For me, I was not dealing with any major kind of abuse (sexual abuse, or getting severe physical beating such as Adrian Peterson case in the news these days). So I did not go to my therapist with any specific memories of traumatizing events from my childhood. However, it was through therapy that I came to see the various ways my parents, through their attitudes and behavior, have limited me from reaching my potential. Especially when my therapist defined a lot of their actions as emotional and psychological abuse (not intentional often, because they were often stressed out and overwhelmed and trying to survive in the world and so they had their own history of abuse and trauma). But abuse (mistreatment, hurtful, however you define it) never the less.

Once I was made aware of my potential and what I could have been, a big wound opened up and I came to hate my parents very intensely. I was already unemployed and had stopped my studies and was in a bad place in my life so for a short time I started to see my parents as direct and only cause of my misery! The hatred was so strong it frightened me to death. I could not sleep at night. I thought I might hurt them. I started to see everything they had done over the years as intentional, as them trying to hurt me at every opportunity because they could not have wanted me to be happy (given that they were often miserable). I even wondered if I was adopted. Was I an accident? Etc. I became preoccupied with the idea of what it means to "intend" to hurt someone, and to what extent they knew what they were doing to me was hurting me and to what extent they knew the consequences.

It took a while for hatred to go down. I think a part of me did want them to have intentionally hurt me. They would have to pay! (I know how that sounds). In a strange way that would have meant that I mattered. But I came to the conclusion that a lot of the hurt was unintentional. We had different personalities, they were under a lot of stress, and had their own damaged psyche and a lot of times were just ignorant in how to deal with me. I think I still dislike them more than when I started therapy. But I've also developed compassion.

I think I should have chosen a different kind of therapy and a different therapist when I first went for therapy. When you're hurting and the therapist points to new places of hurt or reinterprets things in a way that makes you feel even worse, that's not good at all. I was unhappy with how they were treating me at the time but in my depressed state I had imagined a good past and good childhood and so the present state of affairs was why I was upset at them. The therapist basically said I was always mistreated, that I was deluded for thinking the past had been great (she said it in a nicer way). Different time in my life I could have gone there and not feel someone pull the rug out from under me but not at that time, that therapist and that kind of therapy was the wrong match. Which is why I made the original post about making sure you choose the right therapy and therapist. And make sure you're always running the show.

[Victoria'smom]

I found through therapy I have gained empathy, and understanding for there motivations.

[tinyrabbit]

I knew how I felt, I just thought my feelings were wrong or ridiculous.

Originally Posted by Kated1984

I didn't feel like this before therapy. Is it the therapy doing this?

It kind of opens your eyes to the reality of it all, doesn't it?

I think getting in touch with my emotions more caused me to dislike my family more. Minimizing, splitting, repressing, dissociation, kept me from dealing with it. So it was all there already; therapy opened me up to reality.

Identifying your own patterns, emotions, behaviors allows you to see others more clearly as well. That is one of the most difficult parts for me. I see these patterns everywhere. Co-workers too.

But therapy has also allowed me to be more compassionate with them at the same time. I know how their parents shaped their personality and now more frequently think about how they are fighting their own demons too. And if my therapist can be so patient, understanding, and non-judgmental with all my shortcomings...well that's something to strive for.

Irritation is in the facet of anger, and perhaps being more outspoken is a direct result of being more aware? Being more assertive is a good thing.

Yes, sometimes.

I also wish I could go home with T and live with her instead of going back to my own family.

[archipelago]

I felt I hated my family when I was 17 and left without even looking back. Therapy made me see more complexity and nuance in a range of things that happened in my family. I also learned how much I missed out on because of how skewed everything was. That caused me pain. Sometimes I think hurt is at the bottom of anger, but at other times I see them as different. I think I've been able to feel more of the hurt. The true rage I feel is still suppressed to a degree.

But I see this all as in my particular past and so I don't necessarily do anything outside of therapy to act on it. Each of my siblings had different things happen to them and so have developed in different ways. I live on the other side of the country from all of them and have only superficial contact at this point with a few exceptions. I used to have more contact and I guess at some point felt there was too much contrast between how I felt about what happened in the past and how I was interacting in the present. It was healthier for me in general to let the ties slip away.

[Abe Froman]

Well, I applied some of the things we talked about in therapy to my real life last night and today and because of that I started getting pissed off at my mom. So maybe. I mean she wasn't around, she's four or five hours away. It was kind of "How the F@#$ could you have done that to me?" Directed at my mom, not T, but I was the only one listening.