[ThingWithFeathers]

I find it so hard in sessions to say when I haven't been doing so well at home. It's weird because I can email my T or call her and let her know I'm not coping very well, but when I walk into her office I mostly just say I'm okay, even if I haven't been doing well during the week. I've often walked into the room after days of self harming and thinking about suicide, and, when I do, I forget all the horrible feelings, thoughts and behaviours that had been plaguing me all week. I don't know why this happens to me. I want to be honest with my T, but this part of me just takes over. Any thoughts?

[kororain]

A couple of things come to mind. First, we don't typically tell people in general those things. When people ask how we're doing, we say fine. It's just a knee jerk reaction. Personally, I think Ts should ask that question differently if they want a real response.

Second, I know for me personally, I don't really think that bad, bad, horrible thoughts are anything to get worked up about. Like, I'm always bemused/befuddled when T is upset that I want to kill myself or whatever. My brain's just been that way for so long that it's "normal" to me. When she freaks out it's just plain weird.

Could be fear, vulnerability...automatic behavior like kororain said. Maybe when you were a child, it was or felt dangerous to have distress.

Are you honest and disclosing like you are in email as the session progresses?

[growlycat]

For me, it is hard to feel badly when I walk into T's office. He's smiling, upbeat and warm and ready to be all about me for 50 minutes. I told him this too, that once I'm on my own outside of my appointment, everything seems harder…and scarier too.

[Lady Lindsey]

For me it was about trust, it took me a year to finally start to make progress and trust my T. I would come in looking put together, tell her life was fine, show no emotion.... My T was perceptive, she new I wasn't fine and would ask questions that I had a hard time telling her I was fine.....

My whole life has been a show.. I have to show the world I am fine, they can't see the inner turmoil and the craziness that really is me... they have to see the perfect, professional put together person, that they expect me to be. I am falling apart inside.. but on the outside I am fine to the world.

I think we automatically go into that mode, especially when we feel vulnerable, and going to you T is a time of great vulnerability.

Do you tell your T in email form how you are feeling? Try telling your T in an email. Just what you told us here. That may help. Sometimes I write an email to my T and save it in draft until I have the courage to send it to her. Then we discuss at our next session. It seemed to help us to break that barrier of me needing to put that "I'm fine, everything is OK" mask on. That so many of us have learned to do so well.

[MoxieDoxie]

I do not always tell T how bad things have been for a few reasons:
1.I always fear he will insist I go inpatient.
2. I do not want him to blame himself and think he is not doing all he can.
3. I fear he will say he can not help me anymore, abandon me and send me off to someone else.

Of course I know this is parnoid thinking.

[sweepy62]

I do that to, not that I get away with it, I guess I do it not to burden her. As a kid I was very independent . My mom loved that quality. Self sufficient she says is a very good quality . Bothering people makes you meeger. I know that's wrong now, but it's always with me, not to need.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ThingWithFeathers]

In emails I am more honest, but I don't write down really awful feelings because I don't want to scare her. In session (and in real life) it's as though I have to be fine at all costs. My T knows I do this and is pretty darn astute at picking this up, but I can be quite convincing sometimes. I know why I do it out in the world, but I want to learn to be more open with my T.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

In emails I am more honest, but I don't write down really awful feelings because I don't want to scare her. In session (and in real life) it's as though I have to be fine at all costs. My T knows I do this and is pretty darn astute at picking this up, but I can be quite convincing sometimes. I know why I do it out in the world, but I want to learn to be more open with my T.

Maybe take baby steps, take one small item that is hard, but a little safe and discuss it with your T. take it step by step. That is what I am doing, it works, it takes time and there is a lot I can't even mention, it is hard, but I know you can do it Baby steps.. that way you don't trigger yourself into a dissociative state, you stay present and learn to focus and deal with a little tiny emotion one tiny step at a time.... I know it is easy for me to logically think things over, but to even touch on the emotion or discuss it, sends my head spinning. remember choose baby steps... Just a suggestion, that has been working for me

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

In emails I am more honest, but I don't write down really awful feelings because I don't want to scare her. In session (and in real life) it's as though I have to be fine at all costs. My T knows I do this and is pretty darn astute at picking this up, but I can be quite convincing sometimes. I know why I do it out in the world, but I want to learn to be more open with my T.

Could you maybe tell her exactly what you wrote here?

That's what i would do. It would open the discussion to explore your feelings behind this behavior...

The patterns we bring to therapy are often the same ones we had w/our parents.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey

Maybe take baby steps, take one small item that is hard, but a little safe and discuss it with your T. take it step by step. That is what I am doing, it works, it takes time and there is a lot I can't even mention, it is hard, but I know you can do it Baby steps.. that way you don't trigger yourself into a dissociative state, you stay present and learn to focus and deal with a little tiny emotion one tiny step at a time.... I know it is easy for me to logically think things over, but to even touch on the emotion or discuss it, sends my head spinning. remember choose baby steps... Just a suggestion, that has been working for me

Thanks! That sounds like a good aim for me - to go slowly, but with some awareness. I've been dissociated from my emotions and body for so long, I find most feelings distressing. I've got to learn what each one is, what it means and how to cope with it. It's just so overwhelming, and don't want to tell my T I'm not okay all the time.

[Abe Froman]

My T says people should be able to tell their T everything or basically find someone they can tell everything.

What I do is write stuff down so that if I'm not in that bad of a mood in therapy I can still tell her about it. I need to get better about that. I didn't have much to say last session. But usually I feel things in the moment that I need to tell her.

[ombrétwilight]

I totally feel you. During my last crisis, I texted my T telling her I didn't think I could handle it anymore and had attempted again days earlier. She replied with concern and scheduled an emergency session the next day, yet when I went in and she asked me what happened I struggled with words.

Basically this happens every week - she asks me how I've been and I invariably answer with "I'm okay." even if I'm struggling. It's hard for me to directly say something like "No, I'm not okay, I feel like **** and want to off myself." I also tend to use a LOT of fillers and "Not really"s when talking to her. I'm not sure why either, as over text and out of her office I am pretty eloquent in general. I guess when it comes to deep vulnerable feelings, my psyche goes into lockdown and renders me quite awful in expression. I've always said that my feelings - the very ones that prompt me to see my T - abandon me on T's doorstep and come flooding back again when I come out. Sometimes I fight to speak about these issues during the 1h we have but the chance never surfaces, and I am overcome with frustration when I leave. I feel like nothing's been accomplished in session, because how can she help me when I can't even tell her what I've been going through.

It could be that over text it's easier to re-read and edit words before it's sent such that it most accurately captures intended meaning, whereas in person and real time, it is difficult to access these untapped distressing thoughts and formulate a reasonable reply.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

I totally feel you. During my last crisis, I texted my T telling her I didn't think I could handle it anymore and had attempted again days earlier. She replied with concern and scheduled an emergency session the next day, yet when I went in and she asked me what happened I struggled with words.

Basically this happens every week - she asks me how I've been and I invariably answer with "I'm okay." even if I'm struggling. It's hard for me to directly say something like "No, I'm not okay, I feel like **** and want to off myself." I also tend to use a LOT of fillers and "Not really"s when talking to her. I'm not sure why either, as over text and out of her office I am pretty eloquent in general. I guess when it comes to deep vulnerable feelings, my psyche goes into lockdown and renders me quite awful in expression. I've always said that my feelings - the very ones that prompt me to see my T - abandon me on T's doorstep and come flooding back again when I come out. Sometimes I fight to speak about these issues during the 1h we have but the chance never surfaces, and I am overcome with frustration when I leave. I feel like nothing's been accomplished in session, because how can she help me when I can't even tell her what I've been going through.

It could be that over text it's easier to re-read and edit words before it's sent such that it most accurately captures intended meaning, whereas in person and real time, it is difficult to access these untapped distressing thoughts and formulate a reasonable reply.

Yep! This is me too. Sorry you have the same trouble It's an especially awful feeling walking out of the session, getting home and realising I've not spoken about the things I should have spoken about. That's when a really bad feeling starts setting in for me. And I feel so stupid for wasting the session on trivial stuff.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

Yep! This is me too. Sorry you have the same trouble It's an especially awful feeling walking out of the session, getting home and realising I've not spoken about the things I should have spoken about. That's when a really bad feeling starts setting in for me. And I feel so stupid for wasting the session on trivial stuff.

This is exactly what I struggle with too. It is so frustrating. I just want to tell her how bad i really feel. But I can't. I a usually fairly eloquent too but as soon as I see her i just seem to shut down. I can't cry (although I did the week before last for the first time) but she just sat there. I just feel so stupid. I am paying a lot to see her so why can't I get he words out?