[guilloche]

So, after last week when T couldn't understand my level of panic about work travel... I've been thinking alot (again) about whether he's the right T for me. It doesn't help that he's so expensive - it's puts a lot of extra stress on me and my budgeting abilities.

One thing I'm not getting... let's say I talk to a potential-newer-T. I don't understand how I can compare 50 minutes of initial chatter with a new T to the couple of months I have with the old T.

I don't think it would be a problem, except... there's clearly something that I think is possibly hopeful about current T. This is the first T that I've been able to keep talking to... and not be completely shut down, and the first T that I've shared my trauma stuff with (ever).

But, the flip side is... I'm not sure he's really going to know what to do with my stuff. My old diagnosis (found it written down somewhere) was "DDNOS with borderline and avoidant traits". That seems kind of far outside the stuff he usually works witih (family therapy, addiction stuff). And, when I had told him about DDNOS - he really didn't seem to give it any weight at all. Which, I'm thinking might be a mistake... old(er) T who sent me for the consult didn't believe in dissociative disorders either... but after the consult, I had my doubts, and he said that he would swear in court that the diagnosis is accurate, and later another T told me that I "convinced" him that DDs exist (oh the joy).

Sorry... I'm getting off track. I'm just wondering... if you ever changed Ts in midstream like this... how did you do it? How did you compare a new T after 1 or 2 sessions to a T you'd been seeing for longer? Was it hard giving up your old T?

Thanks...

[ThisWayOut]

I have switched numerous times for various reasons, but most related to the student t's internship being up.
I paproach it the same as looking for a t in the first place. I try to see what the first few sessions are like, and I hope I find someone I can click with.
I think if you are having such doubts about your T, maybe have a conversations with him around all this and see how it goes (can't remember if you have done this yet, so if you have, ignore this). If it's definitely something that you think won't work, see if you can itnerview other T's while still seeing this one. That way you have coverage and someone to go back to if things are not working out in your search right away. It's difficult to compare t's in so few sessions, but you could at least find out if you totally hate the new person you interview. I tend to give everyone 3 sessions before I choose to leave (unless they are horrid right off the bat, which has happened twice). I have only left one t after 3 sessions because I knew it wouldn't work out...
sorry, I know this really isn't helpful. my head's not in a place to be much use.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[lilypup]

I had a superior acting T and saw him only once. I RAN out the door and found another T. I like her a lot.

[shabur]

Think about what you are looking for in a T. Compassion? Honesty? Healthy challenges? (challenging what he/she may think are unsupported thoughts, not "I don't believe you.") Knowledgeable in their field? Accessibility outside sessions? ...

Using that, come up with questions and some fictional situations to see how he/she answers.

[stopdog]

I have told the new ones about the reasons I left or went looking for new ones. It helps to know how they respond.

[guilloche]

Thanks...

ThisWayOut - That was helpful, thank you!

Lilypup - Wow... yeah, I'd run from that too. I guess it goes back to sometimes you DO know right away that someone is not a good match for you. I've had a couple of those... but I think I tend to stay too long, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Shabur - Hi Shabur! Thanks... that's a good idea. I find it a little difficult to know exactly what I want/need from a T. This current T definitely has some good qualities that I like, but at the end of the day, I want someone that really *gets* me and understands, even if they don't agree, with me. I don't expect that at visit 1... but at this point (~8 visits in), I sort of expect to be moving in that direction, and I just don't know if we are...

Stopdog - good points, thanks.

Thanks... I'm still thinking about it. I like the idea of testing new Ts on the side (while still seeing my T) - especially since I've tended to do every other week with him (so it'd be easy to schedule things in the off weeks). But, it's been really hard to find Ts that look promising... for some reason. I think, on paper, they all start to seem a bit the same

[pmbm]

Guilloche,

I'm wondering if you have any friends who are therapists? If so, that's a great way to get a great referral, if you are okay with talking to them. When I Was dealing with problems with my therapist, I took a referral from a friend, and started seeing a different therapist to try to figure out if my issues with the primary therapist were really my fault. When I decided not to continue with the primary therapist, the consulting one told me that she wasn't really experienced with my primary issues, and suggested I see her therapist. I did just that and it turned out to be the best match for me ever.

[guilloche]

Hi Patty,

Thanks for the idea. Sadly, no... I don't have any T-friends... I've had a couple people recommend their Ts, but none of these people really knew what was wrong with me... and I think their Ts are more general Ts, not really prepared to deal with the type of stuff I'd bring in...

I do have one that a friend recommended who is supposed to be smart, and lists dissociative disorders as an area she treats (on her online profile, no actual website). I wish she had more of an online presence so that I could get a better feel for her. She could be good. But it's so hard... and I'm not 100% sure that I can give up on my T yet, although I keep thinking I should... (I think staying with people too long may be part of my broken stuff).

And thanks for bumping this up... I think time is getting squishy. I didn't really remember posting this so recently. I mean, I recognized it, but find it unbelievable that it was only last weekend? It feels like something I posted a month and a half ago or so. Hmmm...

*thanks*

[pmbm]

Guilloche, call her and see if you can chat with her for a few minutes. Maybe even make an appointment to meet with her and see what kind of feeling you have. I met with my current therapist noncommittally (not a word, I know), and knew by the end of the session that she was who I needed. Listen to your gut. Don't be afraid of that part of you. Hugs.

[wotchermuggle]

One thing you can do is try a direct approach. You can then spend less time in the "get-to-know-you" stage with a therapist.

What are you specifically looking for?

- Someone who has experience with DDNOS, borderline/avoidant traits
- A specific type of therapy (CBT, Psychodynamic, Solution focussed, psychoanalysis, Humanistic, DBT, etc)
- $ range
- availability (weekly/biweekly, monthly)

Any new potential therapist should be able to ring off if they can help you in your areas of need. You can narrow them down a lot by those criteria and then pick who you mesh the best with.

When I changed therapists (very difficult but really for the best!) I was really direct at the beginning. Can you handle a client who struggles with self harm/suicidal thoughts? Are you planning on leaving your practice anytime in the near future?

The change can be difficult, but if you know you're not getting your needs met, it is very reasonable and positive that you're looking to try and find someone who can help you move FORWARD in life.

You can always question your current T, too. What do you think about my diagnosis? What can we do so that I can move forward in life? Do you have experience with these diagnoses? What does treatment typically look like for someone like me? You'll be able to tell if your current or new T has a handle on your needs or if they bull**** their answers.

[guilloche]

Thanks...

- Patty - Yeah, I should call her up. I probably will, but I think I need to wait until I've got a few other things settled, as I'm finding myself suddenly overcommitted (and overwhelmed), so not in a good space for adding more stuff. I guess the problem is that I don't really get a good gut feeling, you know? Not a bad one, just not anything. She has a profile on the psychology today site, but no website... so there's just not a lot of info... I'm more going on the fact that I like and respect the person who referred her... Thanks...

- Wotchermuggle - thanks, that's a good idea. I struggle a bit with being that direct and open initially, but I see how it could help. I've talked to current T about the fact that I was diagnosed with DDNOS, but he didn't think it applied... and he also sort of tossed off the "NOS" part (he basically said "not otherwise specified" is just a catch-all, and really means they don't know what's wrong with you). He did say that if he thought I had a serious dissociative disorder, he'd have to refer me out.

[pmbm]

Guilloche, you have to meet her to get a gut feeling! You are making me smile! By the way, I have DD-NOS. For me it means tHat I can get dissociated to any number of younger ages and sometimes not even be aware that I'm really an adult, but I do not have specific defined parts or alters. I'm sure it presents in different ways, buT it is usually not diagnosed lightly.

[guilloche]

OH! Ha! Sorry about that Patty, now I'm giggling at myself too - thanks. I see what you mean. I think I still want to hold off on meeting new Ts right this moment, b/c I have seriously bitten off a bit too much and am operating in a state of constant overwhelm right now - adding more T to the mix just makes my brain want to explode a little bit. But after I get through the trip, and my class wraps up... I can think about it then.

Thank you so much for sharing how you experience DDNOS. I'm honestly not clear at this point how it is for me. You're right though, it was not a diagnosis made lightly - I did 6 sessions with a specialist (she writes books, does research, and teaches about dissociative disorders - very smart woman) and lots of testing. The T that I saw at the time didn't actually believe in dissociative disorders, apparently, until after he went through this with me... I asked him afterwards if it was possible that she only diagnosed me b/c that's what she specializes in (so maybe she sees it in everyone?) and he said no, that if he were called to testify in court, he'd swear to it. He was a very serious and logical T, and apparently, dealing with me actually changed his mind about DDs (!). Which is a little frightening.

I told current T about the diagnosis at session 2. He asked if I was losing time ("not that I know of!") or if I had alters ("not that I know of" - although I didn't tell him that I tend to have a little voice in my head, sometimes) - and he said that "everyone dissociates" and that he didn't experience me as dissociative. We talked about it again later, and I pointed out to him that dissociation is a way of "hiding", and that it might not be visible to him... and that btw, it wouldn't happen unless something bad/scary was going on - I was going to suddenly dissociate in front of him if we were talking about kittens (for example!). I'm still not sure he's getting it.

BUT. But, the good side is... when I start to get spacy, he actually reacts BETTER (!) then other Ts I've had - which blows my mind a little. I stare off, looking at the wall or pillow and get very silent. And this is going to sound weird, but he'll say something in a very gentle voice like, "you can touch it if you want" (much less creepy in context, I promise!) referring to whatever I'm staring at. What I love is that it's such a *sideways* comment, it does NOT push me further away (like other Ts have done). Sometimes the stuff I say doesn't make sense, I think (last time I was staring at the pattern in the plaid, and out popped something like "it's a pattern... red green red blue... it's almost symetrical..." - but whatever - it doesn't feel like an attack, and it gets me talking a little, which helps us keep talking. It's like... accidentally grounding! GO FIGURE.

Sorry, it just *amazes* me b/c literally every other T (7 of them) - other than the T that did the consultation/diagnosis (who was fabulous but unavailable) - wasn't able to interact with me when I went into this scared, silent place. They either said nothing... and the silence just got bigger and harder to overcome, or they said something that pushed me further away. One T that I only saw twice actually made me feel yelled at ("hey you! are you dissociating? STOP THAT!" OMG!!!!)

So, it's little things like that that are making it hard to figure out what to do. It's such a stupid thing, and it seems like it should be therapy-101 - but if 7/8 Ts that I've seen have failed reach out to me in a non-scary way when I get in that state... it sort of makes me want to grab on to this one and not leave!

*sigh*. I don't know, I will try to talk about all this next time. I guess I need to work out what's really bothering me, so I can try to tell him (yuck). But realistically, right now what I want is just to take a break so I can focus all my energies on surviving this stupid work trip, which he has already shown he can't help me with... and if he can't help, I need him to be out of the way, so I can figure out how to manage all my turbulent craziness around the trip with as little likelihood of self-destruction as possible...!

Phew - sorry - I'm sure that's too many words! It's getting late here, and I'm thinking furiously! Thank you!

[pmbm]

My last regular T would demand that I stand up and ground myself when I would get dissociated. That actually scared me more and produced more dissociation, so that I often ended up hiding in a corner (which if you saw how big around I am, would make you laugh...no way nobody is going to notice that very round adult over there in that corner! lmao). My in between T would actually sit on the couch with me and put her arm around me and talk very quietly about how i was safe and that I could keep myself safe and if I couldn't keep myself safe, she certainly would. My T now lets me dissociate if I feel I need to, and she will just keep repeating "It's 2014, you are 48, you are in control, I am here, I am not leaving." Much prefer the 2nd and third approaches. And now, I get mad, because I cannot dissociate easily or automatically and sometimes I tell T, I just want to go away, and I look off into the distance. T smirks (in a nice way), tells me to go right ahead and go away, but she bets I can't do it...and she's usually right!

[guilloche]

Aww... your more recent Ts sound so caring and supportive! That's awesome! And, wow... you've given me something else to be grateful for, that no T has ever told me to stand up and ground myself! What... the heck? Is standing up supposed to be grounding, because I think it would make me feel more unreal and strange. I would totally be right there with you, hiding! I'd probably actually turn and face a convenient wall, and just drift from there... stare at the wall... and wait for the stupid Tsession to be done so I could leave.

Anyway, I don't know - where I'm at now - if my T tried to be THAT direct and caring ("I'm here!") I'd probably freak out... so the sideways method is maybe better for me for now! !