[Soccer mom]

Have you experienced your T. not having an answer. I asked her why I have one of my feelings towards her vs having that feeling towards a friend and she said "I don't know". I said "but you're a T". She said she still didn't know.
So, this morning I texted her about an appointment change and added that I would appreciate her researching or asking her supervisor before my next appointment. It is a feeling that has really been bothering me, so I'm a little concerned she won't be able to help me through it. And, she's considered the best in town - just hasn't had this experience with another client.
Sometimes I think maybe we aren't supposed to necessarily "solve" the feeling but I want to understand where it's coming from. She and I have both decided it's tied to my maternal transference.

[stopdog]

The first one I see claims to know nothing about how therapy works or why she says or asks the things she does. I believe she is lying to me. The second one I see explains why she does or says things and has answers to why do therapists do X as theory. I never ask either why I do anything as I do not believe they know anything about me.

[Kated1984]

My T has been great with helping me understand certain things but when I asked her about transference i'd had towards someone else she said she was aware it happens in all kinds of relationships all of the time but she couldn't tell me why. We talked about it for almost an hour but she didn't have any of the answers I at the time expected her to have.

Although they are trained I guess its normal that they don't have the answers or fully understand everything, even the really very good T's.

[Petra5ed]

Being a therapist doesn't give her all the answers. Even the smartest most educated people don't know it all. I would be frightened if my therapist pretended to know everything!

[SnakeCharmer]

"Why" questions about feelings are difficult, if not impossible, to answer in any reasonable and accurate way. Much too complicated, especially if the feeling is unusual or unique. It's not as simple as feeling angry because someone was mean to you. That's a simple "why" question. Your question does not sound at all simple.

She could have come up with an explanation to salve your feelings in the moment. Instead she chose to honestly say she doesn't know. Because she doesn't. How could she possibly know exactly why? Her supervisor won't have an honest answer either. Her supervisor probably barely knows you.

She can help you explore the feeling, understand it, deal with it and maybe eventually you'll be able to explain why you have this feeling yourself.

IMO, she showed respect for you by saying, "I don't know." Ts are not omnipotent. They don't have all the answers. If they think they do ... it's something that could lead to trouble.

You really are being unreasonable to expect her to be able to give you a direct answer to this question. It's coming from inside you, it's probably complicated and complex and there is no easy one-size-fits-all answer for it.

SoccerMom, I don't fully understand your maternal transference with your T, but I do respect her answer to you on this. Real life moms sometimes explain things to their little kids to satisfy them or even to shut them up. But real life moms don't always have answers for everything. I'm glad to hear your T is not willing to treat you like a little kid. It sounds, from all of your combined threads, that you are in good hands.

[stopdog]

I do believe therapists should at least be able to explain their theories. They do have degrees, presumably they learned something in school and were not just sitting around asking themselves how they felt the entire time.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

"Why" questions about feelings are difficult, if not impossible, to answer in any reasonable and accurate way. Much too complicated, especially if the feeling is unusual or unique. It's not as simple as feeling angry because someone was mean to you. That's a simple "why" question. Your question does not sound at all simple.

She could have come up with an explanation to salve your feelings in the moment. Instead she chose to honestly say she doesn't know. Because she doesn't. How could she possibly know exactly why? Her supervisor won't have an honest answer either. Her supervisor probably barely knows you.

She can help you explore the feeling, understand it, deal with it and maybe eventually you'll be able to explain why you have this feeling yourself.

IMO, she showed respect for you by saying, "I don't know." Ts are not omnipotent. They don't have all the answers. If they think they do ... it's something that could lead to trouble.

You really are being unreasonable to expect her to be able to give you a direct answer to this question. It's coming from inside you, it's probably complicated and complex and there is no easy one-size-fits-all answer for it.

SoccerMom, I don't fully understand your maternal transference with your T, but I do respect her answer to you on this. Real life moms sometimes explain things to their little kids to satisfy them or even to shut them up. But real life moms don't always have answers for everything. I'm glad to hear your T is not willing to treat you like a little kid. It sounds, from all of your combined threads, that you are in good hands.

Wow, I really needed this. I hadn't thought of it that way. Makes me want to take back my text to her. Honestly, she has given me her theories: that it's me awakening after suppressing feelings for years, that therapy is a portal for transference and other feelings to happen - not necessarily something that would happen with a friend. Maybe I'm just not accepting her answer because I know more is there. I really do appreciate your post!

I think her theory that "therapy is a portal for transference and other feelings to happen" sounds pretty spot-on! I think also it's the nature of the therapeutic relationship - being so unique, so different from any other kind of relationship we have, is what makes it a portal of sorts. I really, really like that image of therapy being a portal. For me right now, the portal allows me to see the kind of relationship that I want to have with myself, and how I want to interact with the world in general. Stuff like that. Thank you so much for sharing.

eta: my t says "I don't know the answer" often. And that the answers are inside of me.... and it's her job to help me get to them. Peeling back the layers of the onion to get to them. Sometimes she's just quiet and lets me talk through my thoughts as I wind around and back and forth and up and down until I arrive at something. She is so patient with me!

[rainbow8]

I've asked my T questions that she answered " I don't know" to also. She didn't know why it felt so good to hold her hand a couple of years ago, though now she has an answer, I think.

She doesn't know why I can't cry in therapy though we both have some idea.

She doesn't know if what my brother did was abuse or not, but neither did any other T know for sure.

There are other things she answers " I don't know", but I can't remember. Oh, why I have that physical reaction in my session.

[Depletion]

You all have some really coy T's. The answer to this question is super easy. Why are you more likely to have Transference in therapy, well its because the therapist is essentially a blank slate. You don't really know anything about her, so it is much easier to project all of your unconscious desires onto her. Therapy is also a safe place, so it is easier for those desires to come out and be expressed.

As for Transference with people you have real life relationships with, this probably happens because the person reminds you of someone else. So in this case your brain doesn't fantasize so much as get triggered by some quality in the other person. But in therapy (or other relationships where there are more opportunities for projection) your brain becomes more creative and inventive. The therapist is essentially a canvas where you are allowed to paint your deepest desires. Transference can be a gift, because it is an an opportunity to understand what is in your heart, and what your deepest unmet needs are. Just be warned that the unconscious is not always straight forward, and sometimes you have to do a little interpreting to figure out what the fantasy is about.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Real life moms sometimes explain things to their little kids to satisfy them or even to shut them up. But real life moms don't always have answers for everything. I'm glad to hear your T is not willing to treat you like a little kid. It sounds, from all of your combined threads, that you are in good hands.

I can vouch for the fact that explaining things to kids does not shut them up or satisfy them. It usually unleashes a barrage of further questions. Telling them 'I don't know' makes them think though. And it makes them want to know why momma doesn't know everything.
As with kids, so in therapy. The same principles apply.

[stopdog]

Clients are not children and therapists are not their parent. The first one I see lies and refuses to explain - it did not thwart me or make me submit to her - I simply went and found another one (s) who do. When the first one does/says something and refuses to explain - I go to the other ones and say "when one of your ilk does X - what is the point supposed to be" and I get answers.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Clients are not children and therapists are not their parent. The first one I see lies and refuses to explain - it did not thwart me or make me submit to her - I simply went and found another one (s) who do. When the first one does/says something and refuses to explain - I go to the other ones and say "when one of your ilk does X - what is the point supposed to be" and I get answers.

Oh gods no! There are some parallels though - I notice a lot of things that remind me of therapy situations I've been in when I'm parenting my kids...
Why do you stay with your T1 SD? It seems like she just mostly annoys the hell out of you...

[nicoleflynn]

Ttransference (just a fancy word for feelings) is present in most all relationships. Thank heavens my t wasn't a blank slate.....I need engagement! LOL

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Why do you stay with your T1 SD? It seems like she just mostly annoys the hell out of you...

She stays back. I can tell the woman things and not be concerned that she will care or try do do anything.

[coolibrarian]

My T admits when she doesn't know the answer, and often suggests we work on the problem/issue, and see what we come up with, together.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T often says I don't know. Even last week she told me that somethings just can't be explained or don't need an explanation. And then, sometimes, she might know the answer, but doesn't want to answer. And other times, her answer is not my answer and I need to search for what is truth for me.

Sometimes, those lack of answers really frustrate me. I understand logically, but emotionally my mind is screaming "WHY?!?!?!?!"

[Lauliza]

I've been told "I don't know" in therapy before. Why we feel the way we do can't always be explained in definitive terms. Rather than knowing the answer, Ts sometimes have to explore issue with us so we come to our own conclusions. Often Ts would rather have clients figure things out, serving as a guide.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I've been told "I don't know" in therapy before. Why we feel the way we do can't always be explained in definitive terms. Rather than knowing the answer, Ts sometimes have to explore issue with us so we come to our own conclusions. Often Ts would rather have clients figure things out, serving as a guide.

True, but I think that it is dishonest to keep things from clients about why certain things happen in the structure of therapy, like transference, and why transference in therapy can be so intense. I have never liked the way that the therapeutic process and its mechanisms are kept so secret. I think that T's have some warped idea that this is for the client's own good, but I honestly feel like I have done much better in therapy since leaning about the process. Its helpful to know why a T is pushing for something, or why a certain thing tends to happen in therapy. I'm a lot less resistant when I understand what is going on, and when the conversation about that can be very honest. Freud never interned therapy to be a big secret, and he never thought that the practice should be reserved only for people with degrees. I'm in therapy so I can understand, and sometimes that means I just want a direct answer to my question.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Being a therapist doesn't give her all the answers. Even the smartest most educated people don't know it all. I would be frightened if my therapist pretended to know everything!

I agree with this. The most reassuring thing my last (good) therapist would tell me was that he didn't always know the answers and sometimes wasn't even sure what to say or do.

Hi Stopdog,
I loved your answer & it's cheered me up. More of that please. Lol.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Depletion

True, but I think that it is dishonest to keep things from clients about why certain things happen in the structure of therapy, like transference, and why transference in therapy can be so intense. I have never liked the way that the therapeutic process and its mechanisms are kept so secret. I think that T's have some warped idea that this is for the client's own good, but I honestly feel like I have done much better in therapy since leaning about the process. Its helpful to know why a T is pushing for something, or why a certain thing tends to happen in therapy. I'm a lot less resistant when I understand what is going on, and when the conversation about that can be very honest. Freud never interned therapy to be a big secret, and he never thought that the practice should be reserved only for people with degrees. I'm in therapy so I can understand, and sometimes that means I just want a direct answer to my question.

I understand what you are saying here. When I've been told "I don't know" I didn't feel it was in a dishonest way but because there could be multiple answers. I like a straight forward T myself and when I ask questions I usually get the straight answer. But there are times when they can't answer, because they aren't supposed to tell you how you feel or what to do. In the OP's case, If the straight up answer is "transference", then the T should just say that. But if the question centers around the reaaon for transference, I think that's something that doesn't always have a simple explanation. Not always but a lot of the time you have to explore reasons together before really understanding why.