[Tongalee]

I'm so sorry, but I need to get this out!! **HUGE TRIGGER WARNING FOR CSA, PLEASE DON'T READ IF IT COULD BE HARMFUL TO YOU**

I feel like ever since I talked to t about the csa, EVERYTHING IN MY STUPID LIFE IS ABOUT CSA!!!

I can't even listen to a ******* radio show without the subject matter being that of incest, rape, or sexual abuse in its other forms.

My nightmares have spiked in frequency, I'm cold all the time (like literally my body temp in my extremities feels at least 5 degrees cooler than the rest of my body and I know its because all the blood is always rushing to my stomach). I've tried to talk to t about it, but am not getting out what I need to. She sees a somewhat put together person when I enter that office and I don't know how to show her the me that is a mess after therapy, crying in cars at night before I go into my house, letting myself dissociate when things get too hard to deal with.

Today someone was talking about a book that they wrote discussing their csa experience in which he was molested by his great uncle as well as his uncle with whom he was really close and loved. He talked about how the first time "broke [his] spirit", and as soon as he "felt his hand reach around his hip" the second time it "broke [his] heart".

I just feel like I can so relate to this. She was my FRIEND!! Someone who told me I was safe, and treated me like I was a person worth loving. I was so little, how could she let him do that to me? How could she help him hurt me like that? I feel heart broken. I feel so sick. I miss my innocence, my vitality, my love and trust. I WANT IT BACK!! I feel like such a child, but I could scream and throw things right now. I want to make a fort and say screw you world, climb in, and put up a huge sign out that says no adults allowed, which now includes me even though I don't feel that way.

Sorry, I'm just feeling really upset and confused. I want my t. Actually I want my mom, but I know that's not what our relationship is like, which makes this even worse. I need to learn to comfort myself in a healthy way, but I don't want to. I want to be wrapped up by someone I know isn't going to hurt me and just lay there, warm and held.

Sorry I know this is probably an inappropriate post, but I had to get that out.

[HazelGirl]

Don't apologize. I know that pain. I know it so well. I haven't been through CSA, but I have been through other abuse. The betrayal and loss is absolutely indescribable.

[Tongalee]

I just feel so stupid all of the time.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I just feel so stupid all of the time.

You are definitely not stupid.

[sweepy62]

I can relate to your CSa I'm going through body memories and nightmares. I can't even say words related to CSa in session . My t and I are slowly working on that. I had a session today and couldn't even say what triggered the body memories. You are not alone.

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[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I can relate to your CSa I'm going through body memories and nightmares. I can't even say words related to CSa in session . My t and I are slowly working on that. I had a session today and couldn't even say what triggered the body memories. You are not alone.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Omg body memories are the worst!! I'm so worried about that happening in session! I've never seen myself have one, but my ex told me that sometimes when I sleep I will cinch up and become breathless as though in immense pain and then cry out. I was such a mess when he told me and I nearly soured inviting him to sleep over. I remember the dream that is associated with my worst body memory, and every time I have it my body hurts anywhere from an hour to all day :,(

My t says that they are normal and expected on some level. I'm not sure if this makes me feel better or worse.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time, Sweepy. Have you spoken to your T about how tough you're finding it? I'm not yet at the stage of dealing with my csa directly, but I do find shows, books, newspaper articles etc. all really trigger me. My T suggested if I found these things triggering, maybe I should be aware of these triggers and avoid them until a time I'm ready to deal with them. See, I'm not in a place to deal with them right now, and she knows I'm not quite there yet and that it would put me in danger. Maybe, if you're ready, you could start but just noticing and write a list of the triggers?

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this. I can totally relate...

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time, Sweepy. Have you spoken to your T about how tough you're finding it? I'm not yet at the stage of dealing with my csa directly, but I do find shows, books, newspaper articles etc. all really trigger me. My T suggested if I found these things triggering, maybe I should be aware of these triggers and avoid them until a time I'm ready to deal with them. See, I'm not in a place to deal with them right now, and she knows I'm not quite there yet and that it would put me in danger. Maybe, if you're ready, you could start but just noticing and write a list of the triggers?

I haven't been able to let my t know how this is affecting me fully. I mean she knows that I have hard day's, but I'm not sure she realizes the extent of "hard". I can't talk about it with her, I feel so worried that she will judge me, or tell me to just get over it. It hurts to think of her being critical if me and my response to all of this.

On top of it, I know she is going to want to start detailed discussions of what happened in an effort to "get it of my chest". I think if this happens and I continue to be triggered as I am these days I will have a full blown catatonic panic attack leaving me completely broken and limp. The thought of t knowing what kinds of things I did/they did to me... it makes me sick, it makes me want to crawl from my skin to think of telling her.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time, Sweepy. Have you spoken to your T about how tough you're finding it? I'm not yet at the stage of dealing with my csa directly, but I do find shows, books, newspaper articles etc. all really trigger me. My T suggested if I found these things triggering, maybe I should be aware of these triggers and avoid them until a time I'm ready to deal with them. See, I'm not in a place to deal with them right now, and she knows I'm not quite there yet and that it would put me in danger. Maybe, if you're ready, you could start but just noticing and write a list of the triggers?

She told me to writ a list of triggers but I'm having a hard time with that. I'm not totally dealing with CSa ATM just some here and there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I haven't been able to let my t know how this is affecting me fully. I mean she knows that I have hard day's, but I'm not sure she realizes the extent of "hard". I can't talk about it with her, I feel so worried that she will judge me, or tell me to just get over it. It hurts to think of her being critical if me and my response to all of this.

On top of it, I know she is going to want to start detailed discussions of what happened in an effort to "get it of my chest". I think if this happens and I continue to be triggered as I am these days I will have a full blown catatonic panic attack leaving me completely broken and limp. The thought of t knowing what kinds of things I did/they did to me... it makes me sick, it makes me want to crawl from my skin to think of telling her.

There's nothing wrong with you. What's happening is a trauma response and I think it is actually vital for you to let your T know the extent of it. For safe trauma work, so you don't get overwhelmed as you stated, these things need to be shared - however you're able to. I know what it's like not to be able to speak, not be able to say the words, and once I sent her an email telling her how my childhood had impacted on me and how disgusted I felt with myself. It was terrifying, but I knew I couldn't say those things to her.

Please share with your T, it's important for safety in the work you're doing

[ThingWithFeathers]

And no T worthwhile sharing your journey with will tell you to just get over it. Childhood trauma is not thst easy to overcome, otherwise most of us wouldn't need the emotional, psychological or mental health support that we receive!

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I'm so sorry, but I need to get this out!! **HUGE TRIGGER WARNING FOR CSA, PLEASE DON'T READ IF IT COULD BE HARMFUL TO YOU**

I feel like ever since I talked to t about the csa, EVERYTHING IN MY STUPID LIFE IS ABOUT CSA!!!

I can't even listen to a ******* radio show without the subject matter being that of incest, rape, or sexual abuse in its other forms.

My nightmares have spiked in frequency, I'm cold all the time (like literally my body temp in my extremities feels at least 5 degrees cooler than the rest of my body and I know its because all the blood is always rushing to my stomach). I've tried to talk to t about it, but am not getting out what I need to. She sees a somewhat put together person when I enter that office and I don't know how to show her the me that is a mess after therapy, crying in cars at night before I go into my house, letting myself dissociate when things get too hard to deal with.

Today someone was talking about a book that they wrote discussing their csa experience in which he was molested by his great uncle as well as his uncle with whom he was really close and loved. He talked about how the first time "broke [his] spirit", and as soon as he "felt his hand reach around his hip" the second time it "broke [his] heart".

I just feel like I can so relate to this. She was my FRIEND!! Someone who told me I was safe, and treated me like I was a person worth loving. I was so little, how could she let him do that to me? How could she help him hurt me like that? I feel heart broken. I feel so sick. I miss my innocence, my vitality, my love and trust. I WANT IT BACK!! I feel like such a child, but I could scream and throw things right now. I want to make a fort and say screw you world, climb in, and put up a huge sign out that says no adults allowed, which now includes me even though I don't feel that way.

Sorry, I'm just feeling really upset and confused. I want my t. Actually I want my mom, but I know that's not what our relationship is like, which makes this even worse. I need to learn to comfort myself in a healthy way, but I don't want to. I want to be wrapped up by someone I know isn't going to hurt me and just lay there, warm and held.

Sorry I know this is probably an inappropriate post, but I had to get that out.

Hello Tongalee-

Your post is not inappropriate at all, what happened to you is. I am so sorry for the pain that you have been subjected to and the pain that you struggle with. I can empathize and have asked myself the same questions, mainly, why wasn't I protected? I send you hugs and understanding.

[Tongalee]

Thank you all for your support. You are all such great people and I deeply appreciate your kind words. I hope that you all receive the help and relief in your lives that you deserve.

As for me, I have t today. We will see how things go. I can feel myself, my "emotions", building inside of me, and have been for awhile. I think that today will either be me screaming at t, completely silent, or vomiting my life away (as I usually throw up when I have a lot on my mind and chest). My reasonable mind is able to see that my t knows how difficult this is and wants to help me because she knows that none of it was my fault. However, my less reasonable mind (the child mind) is so terrified of letting go of our story. It is obsessed with the idea that t will hate us and be disgusted with the choices that I made and the actions that I did. Terrified that she will think that I wanted this to happen because I didn't stop it, or tell anyone. Terrified that she will side with them and not me. Terrified that she will feel about me the way I do about myself.

I am having a lot of trouble with this, and certainly couldn't face things without her. If she were to terminate me based on the things I've told her... I would never try again and accept that fear and pain are the only things I'm allowed to feel in this life, which I guess might be true either way.

[HazelGirl]

She will not terminate you and that is not true. You can get through this, even though it feels impossible right now.

[Tongalee]

Well that was the most unproductive session ever. I seriously never want to go back. Great.

[ruiner]

What happened?

[Tongalee]

I went and we talked about random things. As the session continued I started getting angrier and angrier, but I have no idea why or at what!! In the end we just kind of stopped talking about anything of value, other than some self disclosure from her that was done to try and relax me I think. I was just sitting there so uncomfortable yet full of things to say/feelings to get out, but in the end I just told her our time was up and that I would see her next time. We tried to make a plan for what the next session would look like, but I couldn't agree to anything because I had no interest in talking about anything. I got up in a hurry and took off as quick as possible, and maybe slammed her door a little on the way out. Afterwards I sent her a text saying that I was not wanting to come in again. However, the again was meaning that this is yet another time that I'm struggling with the want to cancel the next session. It did not mean that I never wanted to come back, ever (even though that is how I was really feeling )! She responded that she wanted our next session to be focused on what it would be like to continue, what the pros and cons would be. Why I'm feeling the need/want to stop the work that we are doing and what not. I agreed, but I really don't want to go in.

I feel like I'm all over the place emotionally speaking. I don't want to burden her while I'm trying to figure out how I feel. She's done so much for me and been so great, it seems a shame to sit in her office and do nothing productive. She deserves better than that. I need to get my **** together before attempting to work things out with her.

[Abe Froman]

Like Hazelgirl I didn't go through csa, but a couple of years ago I was talking to my cousin(we're as close as siblings) and we talked about my parents and their divorce. I kind of said "how could my dad leave me in that house with my mom?" My cousin said she had thought the same thing before.

It's tough. People that are supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what and take care of you and protect you. Then that doesn't happen and it's such a betrayal. I guess one of the reasons I've vowed to do anything to protect my niece and nephews from everything regardless of what happens to me afterwards. I'd gladly give up my life or my freedom for them.

[ThingWithFeathers]

You're allowed to feel all over the place. This is really hard stuff to work through. Personally, I think now is the time you need your T the most, and reaching out to her isn't a burden on her - it's her job to be there for you in this difficult time. I hope next session works a bit better for you, and that you're able to ask for help before then if needed.