[chroniccryer]

I have a problem. My T had an emergency and had to cancel T for a week. I became obsessive and searched online and found out that T's wife died. My T never tells me anything about himself. I don't ask either. Now I have this information and don't know what to do with it. Help!!

[Leah123]

I would probably tell him that you found his wife had passed away and you were very sorry to hear it, or perhaps give a condolence card. I do believe that there are certain significant life events that call us to simply act human with less concern about roles. From there, he can guide the conversation.

[wotchermuggle]

I would give him space. It's likely he'll take time off and then come back. I think it is okay to ask him if he's doing okay when you see him next, but trust him if he says he's fine, and don't obsess about stressing him out. Trust that he knows how to look after himself.

I also think that it's perfectly appropriate to send a sympathy card and then leave it up to your T to bring it up, if he wants, at your session. I wouldn't make it an extremely personal card with like a long personal message or anything. Something simple to acknowledge you know what has happened and that gives you a chance to express your condolences.

[learning1]

I don't think it's obsessive to find out that his wife died. Something that bad is often in the news and it's okay to find out about something like that.

[Petra5ed]

I agree with the other posters. Obits are public, I would send condolences and would let him know he can take as much time as he needs. Jeez, that's horrible though , poor guy.

[archipelago]

Glad you posted about this and hope you find some reassurance in the responses. Some therapists really don't want to have their clients involved in their lives for various reasons (privacy, boundaries, training, ethics, etc.). While I don't agree with that particular view because I do believe we are human and what therapy is about is human connection, I respect someone's wishes to keep things apart. So even though I actually agree with everything that has been said, I would be somewhat hesitant if your therapist really doesn't seem to want to share this with you. If he brings it up, then fine. You can tell him that you knew and say how you feel about it. I think I would play it by ear and see what he does or how he behaves before doing anything. Perhaps that is overly cautious but it is the sense I have.

I have had a similar experience though my therapist freely self-discloses and indeed it is a part of the way the therapy is conducted. When his mother died, he told me but seemed not to express sadness. I felt concerned for him since I know that he was deeply attached to his mother, but I realized that he did not want to burden me with what he considered his own personal issue. Somehow I let him know that I did not feel burdened but was genuinely wanting to know how he was doing, and he trusted me enough to share a little with me. It was a meaningful exchange so this type of thing can be approached and handled quite well. It really depends on how open your therapist is.

[iheartjacques]

I'm sorry to hear his wife died. I wouldn't send a card though, I'd feel like I was intruding on his private life that he is keeping separate from his work.
For example, my audiologist lost her baby a few weeks before it was due. She had some time off and then was back at work. I knew what happened but I didn't want to bring it up in case it upset her when she was probably trying to focus on her job and then fall apart when she got home. I respect that private part of her life and I'm sure the only reason we were told is so that no one would ask her what happened to her baby. We can have compassion for them and I'm sure they can sense that in our attitude towards them.

[chroniccryer]

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm going to sit with this for the week and see how I feel when I see him next.

[Bells129]

I would actually say perhaps don't bring it up and don't send him a card. Because you then open a whole other kettle of fish about how you found out, looking him up online etc etc, unless you're ok with getting into that subject.

[Mike_J]

My therapist has lost her sister and her father during the period I have been seeing her. I'm sure that your therapist will give you an opening when you see him again for you to express your sorrow for his loss. That you saw an obituary isn't unusual, not something that you should worry about.

[Lauliza]

I agree with taking the cautious road about this. The only exception is if there is a receptionist or secretary in his office. Then you could leave a card with the office staff and let them pass it on to him. He may be the type of person who doesn't want any part of his life to enter the office, especially something that is upsetting, so you don't know how he'll react. Since in this case it is about your therapist's wants/needs, so I'd hold back unless he says something to you or if you can do something through his staff.

Originally Posted by chroniccryer

I have a problem. My T had an emergency and had to cancel T for a week. I became obsessive and searched online and found out that T's wife died. My T never tells me anything about himself. I don't ask either. Now I have this information and don't know what to do with it. Help!!

Sorry this happened. I know how unsettling it can be. When I was working with another therapist, it was announced on the news that his older teenage daughter (only child) had died of an overdose. I felt such an overwhelming sadness and compassion for him. Although he never talked about his family and I always respected his privacy, I could only imagine how devastated he and his wife had to be. I did send him a sympathy card, but I addressed it just to him, not his wife, although I did mention hoping he and his "family" were supported and cared for during the difficult time. I sent it to his office. I didn't feel that anything from me should be sent to his private home. When I saw him several weeks later, I had already decided I wouldn't bring anything up unless he mentioned it. I felt I owed him that degree of privacy. He actually brought it up, thanking me for the card and mentioned how much he appreciated the support and kindness shown by all his clients. That was the extend of our exchange and then his focus was immediately back on me.

I will say, however, that his loss had a profound effect on me, throwing me back to a time in my teen years when my older sister was killed in a head on crash. My family's handling of her death was so dysfunctional and I couldn't get it out of my head . . . . couldn't handle the emotions related to that time. At the time, my connection to this therapist wasn't that strong, and I felt too uncomfortable with his recent loss that I couldn't talk about what was going on in my head surrounding his loss and my past loss. I regret that. Not saying it was his fault or that talking about it with him (considering the rawness of his own loss) that it would have been a productive conversation. It did, however, have enough of an effect on me that I ended up quitting therapy with him. I think now it might have been a very big missed opportunity.

I think your idea of sitting on things for a week to decide what you want to do is a good idea.

[MASIMO]

MY T mother died a while back. I never knew until he brought it up months later.
I said I was sorry he couldn't have shared that with me but I understand.
He didn't want to have his patients worrying about him. I respected that but was surprised as he used to disclose a lot to me about his family, including his mother.
If everyone keeps asking how he is, it could be harder to deal with it when he returns to work. Everyone handles it differently. If I had known, I wouldn't have given him a card, just my verbal condolences.

[archipelago]

It is perfectly natural and actually very thoughtful and compassionate to want to do something in a situation like this, and eventually there may be an opportunity to do something. Even just asking how things are after his cancelation may open that up.

He knows that his clients will assume something serious happened and have questions or concerns. He will most likely be quite aware of this and think through how he wants to handle that when he comes back to work. Perhaps leaving the responsibility to him and following his lead would help you.

Just a note about why it's tricky. I'm in training and in our law and ethics courses we have to work through various scenarios, including things like whether or not to tell clients about a personal issue such as our health or a loss. The general idea is to protect clients from harm and do what is in their best interests. So it may not even be about privacy or difficulty for him, but more about his sense of duty to his clients.

[wotchermuggle]

never mind