[IndestructibleGirl]

Ugh I just need to get this out.

Weird night of tossing and turning and now in work and had the most hopeless flashback/ sensation thing. Nearly dissolved into panic and walked out. I love my job but it becomes meaningless in the middle of this. Got a really nice coffee instead, as walking to the cafe helped to calm me down, and now focusing on the rich delicious coffee and trying not to freak out that my boss will kill me if he sees how low my productivity is today.

I feel I'm going mad. Mad and disgusting because I felt aroused at the same time except not enthusiastic. Like a toturous sort of turned on that makes me want to jump off the roof even though I'm not at all suicidal. Confused and feeling crazy.

Ugh. This isn't fair.

[JaneC]

Sorry that had to happen at work, I hope the coffee helps as a distraction and you come back to your regular self soon. It is such a horrible thing to deal with anyway.

Oh, and also....you are neither mad nor disgusting ok!

[Anne2.0]

No, it isn't fair and I am sorry you are having that experience. It is really hard to deal with these kinds of flashbacks at work, but you are already on your way out because you can talk about it here. And because you took good care of yourself with a walk and a coffee. Healthy coping skills, be proud of you.

You know it is so common for survivors to have the response you are referencing. It's just part of the experience of assault, normal and expected. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Most of all, you know that that was then and this is now, it's over and you made it through. It helped me through the worst of it to hold onto the belief that each memory that came up was one more that would eventually disappear out of me and into the universe forever.

Hugs if okay.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are struggling with it at work. I have no words of wisdom, but can relate. Hope the coffee helps.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Oh holy ****. Why is this hitting me in the face right now? Now having memories of inappropriate stuff that I've always laughed off before except now it is excruciating. I feel like I need to sleep and quit being conscious for a while. My mind is boggled. I don't understand. Feel so pathetic. And my own trauma must have been my own fault because I can remember being really inappropriate with a neighbour, and he just ignored what I was saying because he felt uncomfortable, but whatever had happened before that - well, I probably instigated that too. I must have just been born a pervert.

I hate this. What is wrong with me.

[sweepy62]

Sorry I do know what that feels like, it does feel like you are going mad. You aren't though, Starbucks would be a great distraction for me, just walking in there and smelling the coffee beans is wonderful . Getting back to flashbacks, they leave you like when superman comes near kryptonite!!!!

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