I just can't find a context or a place in my mind for my feelings towards him. Perhaps they are indefinable? All the types of feelings I have ever had in my life are totally different to this and it is on my mind all the time.
They are not paternal feelings, they are not romantic feelings but they are intense and I don't understand them. I have tried to frame them sexually and in a parental context but I still can't reach what this feeling is.
It doesn't help that he never seems receptive to me talking about my feelings towards him and makes me feel like if I say too much he will withdraw from me. He also said he rejects the concept of transference so I've abandoned trying to understand it that way. (I really can't think of a real life relationship that's made me feel this way anyway.)
I can leap from feeling totally frustrated and apart from him to feeling like I need him in my life forever, it is impossible to fathom.
Do our feelings towards our Ts have to be defined? Do they defy definition? Will I always feel this way about him?

[Freewilled]

It sounds horribly painful...I'm not sure how I would ever be able to keep seeing my T if he told me he didn't believe in transference. We've never used that word, but my T has point blank told me that he wants to hear all of my feelings toward him whether it is anger or affection or gratitude etc. etc. And I struggle to share it...usually I don't. But just knowing he is open to how I feel, whatever it is, makes a big difference in my anxiety level.

Your feelings are normal. What kind of T do you have?

He's person centered but used Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, CBT when appropriate. We're mostly using TA which I find really useful for understanding the way I interact but last session when I said I feel the need to seek his approval he said that perhaps he was being too directive and 'feeding the child ego state' and that he needs to think about whether he needs to alter his approach. Which is exactly what I DON'T want him to do at the moment. He doesn't mean to but he makes me feel like if I am honest with him he will withdraw from me and change.

[precaryous]

Why can't you call it love?

Originally Posted by precaryous

Why can't you call it love?

That is why I am so confused. Is that what this feeling is? If so it is still undefined and impossible to place a context on. And I could never say that to my T because I think it would freak him out (he would try and hide it but I've seen him uncomfortable before and he's not good at concealing it.)
I think saying it would freak him out makes him sound like a terrible T, but he's not. He's a great T.

[precaryous]

Do you care about him? Do you love him?

It's not unusual to develop caring feelings for our therapists. Ideally, they spend an hour focused solely on us. They hear our most intimate thoughts and concerns. They know our secrets. I don't have anyone else like that in my out-of-session life.

"Love" may not be an accurate term. Maybe it is. I don't feel there is an accurate term for this feeling in the English language. It's something we may want to explore in therapy.

[HazelGirl]

Echoes, I don't understand why a T would change his approach when you feel that way. That's a completely normal thing to feel in therapy, and he shouldn't be changing his approach. It shows that you're close to him, value him, and want to impress him. That's all so normal in therapy.

[precaryous]

Just recently I told my T that I care about her. I told her I don't think it has much to do about transference, it's just how I actually feel.

At this point I don't feel it would be accurate for me to tell her that I love her. I don't feel I know enough about her outside of therapy to be able to say that.

I do feel I love my PrevT.She saved my life. I have years of experience with her.

Both T's accepted and honored my feelings. Both T's know I do not mean I care about them romantically or erotically. They didn't reject me.

Just my experience, if that helps you.

[Soccer mom]

My T. actually asked what my feelings were towards her and I said I've been thinking for weeks and can't put them into words. I'm not sure I'm ready to say love but have told her they are so intense I can't suppress them. She believes in transference. I told her I can't tell if it's the transference (the mom I wish I had) or just her because of her helping me through everything. She asked if I felt the same with close friends and I said no - it's more intense with her. She said it's probably more transference because I feel safe with her. I'm sure some is towards her but I didn't feel this way before my mom died - just after.
You really need to be able to explore your feelings towards him - it will tell you a lot about yourself and your interactions with others.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Echoes, I don't understand why a T would change his approach when you feel that way. That's a completely normal thing to feel in therapy, and he shouldn't be changing his approach. It shows that you're close to him, value him, and want to impress him. That's all so normal in therapy.

Thanks. I think it is because he is determined not to be directive in therapy and he thinks if I am doing things to please him (such as reading his recommendations) I am not directing my own therapy. I need to tell him that the greater danger is in fulfilling the pattern of me being honest about my feelings = withdrawal.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Do you care about him? Do you love him?

It's not unusual to develop caring feelings for our therapists. Ideally, they spend an hour focused solely on us. They hear our most intimate thoughts and concerns. They know our secrets. I don't have anyone else like that in my out-of-session life.

"Love" may not be an accurate term. Maybe it is. I don't feel there is an accurate term for this feeling in the English language. It's something we may want to explore in therapy.

I do care about him. I have actually said that to him once about his own troubles and he said "thank you for caring". Do I love him? I think probably. It is some other kind of love though. Maybe you are right that there is no word for this kind of love.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Just recently I told my T that I care about her. I told her I don't think it has much to do about transference, it's just how I actually feel.

My T has pointed out that feelings that come out of transference are still feelings, and just as valid as any other type of feeling. The main difference is that transferential feelings can be discussed to understand other relationships in our lives.

I can relate to being confused about what the feelings towards T actually are. I'm lucky that my T does not seem to be at all uncomfortable or disconcerted when I try to talk about it though (I'm uncomfortable enough for both of us!)

This feeling that you have which is indescribable (I have a similar un nameable feeling) - I wonder if it is related to how an infant feels towards his or her care givers - we can't remember how it felt to be an infant, but infants crave to be in the company of their main care giver - often their mom or dad - all the time and are most content when in their arms. I'm sure infants feel their emotions much more strongly than us. That;s my guess.

I so wish my t would aspire to be non directive, that is one of the issues I want to discuss with her, I feel like she is nudgeing me about how to live my life.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I do care about him. I have actually said that to him once about his own troubles and he said "thank you for caring". Do I love him? I think probably. It is some other kind of love though. Maybe you are right that there is no word for this kind of love.

There are actually something like 6 different types of love but the english language (and people) seem to only use "love". I think you can google them. Maybe it would help. It didn't help me - my feelings didn't seem to fit any of them.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

There are actually something like 6 different types of love but the english language (and people) seem to only use "love". I think you can google them. Maybe it would help. It didn't help me - my feelings didn't seem to fit any of them.

Thanks. I just looked up the 6 types of love in Greek, and you are right; none of them quite fit. The friendship love is closest but it still doesn't paint the picture of the complex set of emotions that he stirs in me. I guess they would have had a 7th word if Ts had existed in ancient Greece!

Well... *putting on linguist hat* The fact that there were a number of separate terms (four or six) for different kinds of love in ancient Greece doesn't mean that they couldn't think of other forms of love. And it certainly doesn't mean that there are no more forms of love today. Just because something doesn't have a separate, discrete name doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. *removes hat*

[JustShakey]

I'm a conflicted mess when it comes to my feelings for T - paternal, romantic, erotic, mentor, friendship, etc., they're all there in one from or another. I've come to the conclusion that they're just a manifestation of all my different needs, and I am a walking collection of unmet needs...
The hardest part for me I think is accepting that it's okay to feel all this in relation to T. I'm all too aware that it is transference and that he's really not the person/people that I love/hate/want to have hold me etc. I think this might be why your T says that he rejects the concept of transference. He wants you to feel those feelings in relation to him, so you can work through them, and seeing it as transference can get in the way.

Thanks Mastodon, that's a good way of looking at it. Love is so unique and personal that there could be any number of forms of love that words can't adequately describe.

Just Shakey; sorry to hear you struggle with feelings for your T also, but I'm glad you have such a clear understanding of the reasons behind your feelings.
You are certainly right about unmet needs, and he has already filled an unmet need for me, just in listening to me and facilitating self development, so it is no wonder I have such strong feelings for him.
I feel as though I am in a thick emotional fog, feeling around blindly for some sense of my surroundings.

[Restin]

I totally can't imagine a therapist not believing in Transference. It seems to me like that is the very definition of "ignoring the elephant in the room". Maybe that would be okay at a workplace, but in psychotherapy?

Originally Posted by Restin

I totally can't imagine a therapist not believing in Transference. It seems to me like that is the very definition of "ignoring the elephant in the room". Maybe that would be okay at a workplace, but in psychotherapy?

I know, I don't get it either. The weirdest thing is that when I first mentioned having feelings for him months ago he said "are you talking about transference and countertransference?" Yet when I brought it up later he said he didn't accept it as a concept (I can't remember the exact words he used)
This may be projection but I've always suspected he has countertransference issues.

[always_wondering]

Oh my. I feel exactly the same towards my T. My T told me these feelings were due to transference, but when I looked up the definition, I could not and still cannot figure out who the transference is related to: My Mom, Dad, a boyfriend, my brother? Nobody comes to mind. We have talked about it and he said he listens to me like nobody did before. He provides a safe and secure place to release my feelings for the week. He gives me 100% focused attention. I now believe this is something we all crave and really need, and when we get it, well, we just want more! I believe this is why I am so attached to him. Is it love? Maybe, but a different kind of love. According to the many psychological forums I have read it is defined as "Therapy Love".

[UnderRugSwept]

Hi Echoes,

One of my current Ts has said that there is "all kinds of love." I am not really comfortable with naming or labeling them, myself. That seems rather simplistic for a concept that is so complex (as you have said yourself here). The same T has also said that it's ok to feel dependent on him...his clients depend on him to be there for them. I also feel quite comfortable feeling a healthy attachment to both my Ts, and for caring about both my Ts (although they are very different...so my attachment to each of them does feel different, as does my "kind" of caring, if that makes any sense. One T discloses a lot more than the other T, for one thing).
It's certainly ok if you can't put a label on your feelings...maybe it would be the most helpful for you if you felt like your T validated your feelings, even if you could not exactly clearly define them for yourself?
Re: transference, I don't feel as if I am experiencing that with either of my Ts. (I had maternal transference for an ex-T once and it was very recognizable for me.) It's always curious to me when a T doesn't believe in transference at all ...it just makes me think that they are not comfortable in handling the feeling should they arise. Also, if your T is experiencing any countertransference, he might just not want to admit it (to you...or maybe not even to himself).

[Leah123]

Philosophy of Love [Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

Hi Echoes,

One of my current Ts has said that there is "all kinds of love." I am not really comfortable with naming or labeling them, myself. That seems rather simplistic for a concept that is so complex (as you have said yourself here). The same T has also said that it's ok to feel dependent on him...his clients depend on him to be there for them. I also feel quite comfortable feeling a healthy attachment to both my Ts, and for caring about both my Ts (although they are very different...so my attachment to each of them does feel different, as does my "kind" of caring, if that makes any sense. One T discloses a lot more than the other T, for one thing).
It's certainly ok if you can't put a label on your feelings...maybe it would be the most helpful for you if you felt like your T validated your feelings, even if you could not exactly clearly define them for yourself?
Re: transference, I don't feel as if I am experiencing that with either of my Ts. (I had maternal transference for an ex-T once and it was very recognizable for me.) It's always curious to me when a T doesn't believe in transference at all ...it just makes me think that they are not comfortable in handling the feeling should they arise. Also, if your T is experiencing any countertransference, he might just not want to admit it (to you...or maybe not even to himself).

Thank you. You are totally, totally right about me wanting my feelings validated by him. It would make a big difference to me I think. Whenever I raise an issue pertaining to my feelings about him and I perceive him as acting in an avoidant way, it intensifies my feelings towards him. (You would think the opposite might happen)
I do have a suspicion that some of this relates to his feelings towards me. I actually think I remind him a lot of himself at this age, and I sometimes wonder if he finds some of the things I say difficult for that reason. There have been quite a few occasions he has said something like 'that resonates with me more than you could ever realise' (or words to that effect). And we have both acknowledged we are very similar in personality.
But sometimes I find it hard to know if I am being objective about how he feels about me or whether I'm projecting.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm a bit baffled by Ts who reject the notion of transference. It's there whether they choose to work with it or not.