[MirandaL]

I´ve seen a therapist for some time now and I´ve done a lot of self analysis out of every session. I´ve e-mailed my thoughts and analyses to my T and for every time I´ve done so I felt somewhat closer to my problem areas and my reasons for entering into therapy.

But on the other hand I feel kind of silly and stupid, a bit ridiculous as I try in a way to "self diagnose" and I know there are several "faults", contradictions and so on in my findings about myself.

The therapist herself hasn´t told me those things but as I go on analysing myself I realise it myself and I now in some way feel that perhaps I should just keep my thoughts to myself, not sharing them through emails, just answer her questions when in the actual therapy session.

I feel quite disturbed about the fact that she has "all the power", she sees through me but won´t tell me what´s wrong in an explicit way. I understand why diagnoses aren´t something you just openly share with clients but I feel kind of stupid sitting there and make myself go into traps. I just want to know what´s wrong and then be able to make progress.

How do you cope with this? Do you feel comfortable with "not knowing" and that your T perhaps know "everything" about you and your diagnosis but won´t tell you?

My main aim isn´t getting a copy of my journals or something like that, it´s more finding a way to not feeling so stupid and unaware in relation to my T.

[Inner_Firefly]

Hi Miranda, I feel the same, you said it so well! It's hard to keep feeling self conscious and silly. My T only tells me things that are in my best interests for me to know so I trust her and accept that I will never know exactly what T thinks is wrong with me.

[nottrustin]

It doesn't really bother me. T takes very little notes so I couldn't read them in sessions she has shown me the sheets they only make sense to her....we have discussed my diagnosis many times we compare it to Pcdoc's diagnosis.

I would LOVE to read pcdoc's notes though. I have ready many of her notes regarding other patients as she occasionally we work in the same place. I am curious.

[precaryous]

Have you asked your T for your diagnosis? I asked my T and she told me.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MirandaL

How do you cope with this? Do you feel comfortable with "not knowing" and that your T perhaps know "everything" about you and your diagnosis but won´t tell you?

My main aim isn´t getting a copy of my journals or something like that, it´s more finding a way to not feeling so stupid and unaware in relation to my T.

For me, this would be an indicator of my transference in action. I would be worrying that this is what is going on in my therapy, because this is how my family treated me, like THEY knew everything and i did not. Actual fact of the matter was, the family felt intimidated by me because i was an early reader and could print before i went to school. So they just harped on how i had no common sense (but of course, no child does - that comes from life experience).

Anyway, my first question to you would be, is this a factor in your personal life? Is there someone you feel tries to get one-up on you? Then here it it playing out in therapy. Or... i could be way off base.

[Freewilled]

I can so relate....and for me, even asking my T isn't enough because he doesn't do diagnosis per se...he diagnoses for insurance purposes, sure, but...it really is more about what my T *really* thinks about me that drives me nuts. He won't tell me....not really. I've asked him what his agenda is...I've ranted about him having the map and that I feel left out...I've told him how angry it makes me and he has just responded with, "it's ok for you to feel angry." Um....wow. So I understand the anguish about it all and feeling self conscious and what not.

For me, it might have something to do with being a parentified child. I think it is partly that it's not my place to know ALL of my Ts thoughts and that he has set his boundary around that one. I think he sets it that way because he wants me to take ownership of my space and not have to take over for his...like I had to take over for my parents because they reversed things. If that makes any sense....but that's just me. And maybe I'm giving my T too much credit here lol

I understand your frustration, Miranda. It's tough.....

[Leah123]

Why haven't you asked your therapist for a diagnosis if having one is important to you? You're entitled to know: you're the client.

Personally, I think it's quite helpful to email, self-exploration is something I value.

Please keep in mind she doesn't have any power you don't give her. You are the expert on yourself, too, no one else will ever know you better than you know yourself. All another person can offer is their perspective, which will sometimes ring true, sometimes false.

Therapy can bring up a lot of feelings of vulnerability and the transference, particularly, can evoke feelings of powerlessness, but the reality is, you're in complete control. Your money, your initiative. She's only there to help you, nothing more.

I feel quite disturbed about the fact that she has "all the power",

Power dynamics are very common in psychotherapy. I've talked with my therapist a few times about how I make myself so vulnerable to him but he doesn't make himself vulnerable with me except on brief occasions. It's good stuff to explore.

I just want to know what´s wrong and then be able to make progress.

It seems like a reasonable request. There seems to be 2 things going on here: (1) feelings/transference; and (2) your role as a psychotherapy patient.

Discussing your diagnosis might help you clarify your goals, but there are pros and cons to framing your issues that way.

How do you cope with this? Do you feel comfortable with "not knowing" and that your T perhaps know "everything" about you and your diagnosis but won´t tell you?

I guess I'm comfortable with it because I haven't brought it up but 1 time, which was just a couple of months after we started. My therapist got defensive with me 2 times during our year-long relationship, and that was one of them. He never would tell me and argued about why. I did not make a big deal about it or push the issue so it really confused me why he was argumentive; I thought it was sort of strange but now i'm curious. I'm wondering now if I should ask again.

However, i'm pretty certain of my diagnoses at this point, and my former therapist and I discussed them in the past. Knowing can sometimes lead to too much intellectualization though, but I don't think a therapist should try to 'protect you' from your diagnosis if you want to know it. So why not ask?

[Soccer mom]

I'm not sure if this will help. I did a lot of reading on my own and realizing stages I was in, transference, etc. When I finally told my T. what I had learned, she said "that's great that you know the concepts, now you need to feel your emotions more" She said she never planned to tell me anything about concepts or the process because she's more interested in my feelings. She said she was concerned if she brought up the concepts, we would get stuck discussing those instead of feelings. She did say that with my personality (driven, type A) that it made sense that I sought information on my own. Perhaps yours wants you to experience your emotions/feelings more?

Originally Posted by MirandaL

I´ve seen a therapist for some time now.....
But on the other hand I feel kind of silly and stupid, a bit ridiculous as I try in a way to "self diagnose" and I know there are several "faults", contradictions and so on in my findings about myself.

I feel quite disturbed about the fact that she has "all the power", she sees through me but won´t tell me what´s wrong in an explicit way.
My main aim isn´t getting a copy of my journals or something like that, it´s more finding a way to not feeling so stupid and unaware in relation to my T.

For one thing, you needn't feel stupid or ridiculous. If your T is holding back discussing what your diagnosis is then why bother to continue with her? That's like seeing a doctor and asking what's wrong and the doctor says he won't tell you because he doesn't want you to get better. It's ludicrous if you ask me. If your T believes keeping secrets from you gives HER power then maybe she has more problems than you. Keeping secrets does not give her power, it feeds her insecurities of not being needed and feeling insignificant.

My T cannot diagnose anyone because he is just an LCSW. He doesn't know everything about me. My T withheld from me too because he likely has the same issues as your T ( a strong need to feel "powerful"). I hope you have the strength to ask to see your records but if your T is egocentric then they will hold back. Mine was afraid I would challenge him on his evaluation and so he didn't want me to know. Someone like that is more harmful and hurtful than anything I can imagine. I hope you are strong enough to carry this burden.

[feralkittymom]

I've never understood the power of a diagnosis beyond administrative necessity or for disorders that are amenable to medication; but perhaps that's because my T wasn't a clinical psychologist, but a counseling psychologist, and the perspective can be quite different. I do think that a belief in knowing a label that fits somehow leads to faster recovery is a bit of a red herring because the label identifies a state, but it doesn't encompass the process that is necessary to engage in order to heal.

Using my phone, couldn't delete..sorry

I too think think that you put that so well. I feel a lot of what you said (though not about the diagnosis, that doesn't bother me). The way I think of it is that we have to kind of put up with that aspect of therapy - the aspect where they are powerful and we are foolish. But now you brng it up I wonder if I should talk more to my T about it. I started a thread a while ago about what our T's say to their supervisors about us. I think that was me really wondering what she really thinks and feels about me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Why don't you all ask? The worst your T can say is "no". Mine loves to ask "why".

I asked both my T and Pdoc for my diagnoses...just to confirm my suspicions and so I had an idea of what lies ahead for me. They were a little hesitant, but both agreed. Now I have a slight issue that they slightly disagree with each other....but it's okay, they agree with each other 95%.

As far as how they feel about me, I ask all the time. Now my Pdoc is the type who will only tell me things about our relationship that is beneficial to me. But if I ask her a direct question and she answers, it will always be honest. With my T however, she likes to keep our relationship more balanced. She calls our relationship a partnership. She still has more control than I do (she is the therapist), but our deal is that both of us have to be open and honest. So if she's frustrated with me, she says so. If she's worried, upset, emotional, etc. she expresses it.

Having a "partnership" with a T can be difficult. You have to balance your issues as well as learning how to cope with your T's reactions. It's helpful because that's how non-therapeutic relationships are. Imo, I think one-sided relationships can actually be easier.

But still, if you want to know, you can definitely ask.

[musinglizzy]

I don't understand why they would NOT give you a diagnosis? THe person using the doctor analogy is right on. I use my insurance to help pay for my sessions (otherwise I'd be paying $300 per week!), and she had to have a diagnosis for insurance purposes....and I flat out asked her what she used. Why should it be a secret?

[Freewilled]

Well, just because they give some diagnosis for insurance purposes does not mean it's the whole story, you know? My T acts like it doesn't mean much and is only a part of the picture...