[GenCat]

Several months ago, I ended my then relationship with my old T because my love for her was getting too much in my way of my therapy and healing. Some of you might know my story from earlier this year, if not then don't be too opinionated until you know my story, as it is quite unique I suppose.

Since leaving old T, there has been a lot happen in my life that I never was ready for before and certainly not after leaving old T.

I left T in June, and in August my beloved horse had to be put down. I was with her when she passed and my heart was still broken from leaving old T, but at that point I felt like my soul and heart were gone and my body was left to endure nothing but pain and darkness. I was also very close to the owner of the barn that I kept my horse at. To this day, I have only seen her once because going to that barn is unbearable to me, and so with losing my horse, I lost a dear friendship that was special to me.

Shortly after the death, I got very ill very fast. And still, today, I don't know what was wrong. But I ended up seeing doctors after doctors and going in and out of hospitals. Had several tests taken/run but nothing came back alarming. I was on so much medications for multiple symptoms of both mental and physical aliments. I could not eat, couldn't not stop being sick, off and on for many days each week. My anxiety was out of control, I was physically in pain to where I had to be bed/house bound. Gradually I have gotten better, but still not 100% well.

During this time of health issues I was seeing my current T. Which is the T I went to shortly after ending with last T. I explained to her about my past T and she has somewhat helped me with that. She has been a great T overall. But here is my most recent problem I have not been able to move forward from my losses. I have discussed this with T but there is little to do for one who is still very love sick and heartbroken.

I never stopped thinking about my old T, I never not think of her each day since I last saw her. There is always something that reminds me of her. Just this Wednesday it was her favorite song that played first thing at an event I went to and also a car that looked like hers (couldn't tell if it was actually hers) was parked just opposite of mine in a shopping center parking lot. Its the simplest things, the smallest things that send me racing back to her, always her.

I have told myself and my T that I don't want to forget her, I don't want to stop loving her and I will never try and forget about her. Its just not who I am and not what I want to do. Your probably reading this and thinking I am just "inlove". To me there is a difference between being "inlove" with someone and loving them with all your being. I do love her for who she is, what her life was and is, what she has been through and how she has been strong. I admire her courage, strength, wisdom, beliefs, just who she is. I also love everything about her that are what would be considered flaws; Her marriage/relationship history, her mental and physical struggles, her tragic family history, all her insecurities made me just admire her so much more. I feel in awe of her the first time I ever saw her. I knew she was special and I knew I had to love her.

I will admit, I love her for everything she is, but I am also in love with her intimately, so much that I crave her body as much as I crave her being. No, I have never experienced any intimacies with her physically, but at the same time I feel like she and I already have. To me this isn't just a crush on any therapist, its that I happened to find someone who I was able to get to know, to be able to grow, experience, learn, trust, accept, and just love and to have true feelings that have deep meanings. A someone who just happened to be my therapist at the time.

I thought that leaving her, that removing her from my life physically would help me heal and move on, but its only made my feelings for her unbearable to ignore and now I don't have her as my therapist, I don't get to see her and I don't get to share my life with her anymore. I do it now only in silence wishing she was there.

I never want to forget her because she is someone who never needs to be forgotten about. It is ok for me to never forget her, to never stop feeling her. I will always want to wish her happiness over my own. That is just who I am, I put the ones I love before me, always. I want to suffer and be burdened because I know my love for them will keep me from falling.

I am currently working on myself, day by day. Working to get and keep my health under control. Choosing to do things I want to do and feeling free to be able to do them. I am working on my few close friendships day by day. Working on building my life from the ground up once more. Praying this all has meaning and that I can and will find love again and be able to be truly happy again with my life.

[JustShakey]

It takes a long time to come to terms with losing somebody you love GenCat. No, you will never forget her and you never should. She made a huge impact on your life. Let yourself grieve. Talk to current T about her as much as you need to. Think about her as much as you need to. You'll always have the memory of her, but in time there will be more happiness than pain to the remembering.

[CantExplain]

I'm still obsessed with Madame T. I desperately needed a mother and I thought she was the one. Big disappointment. But hate doesn't hurt quite as much as love. I guess that's why I do it.

[Depletion]

I love my T fiercely too, and I know what you mean about lover her has a person, and about desiring her physically. I feel much the same way about my own T. I'm so sorry you've had to separate from her, that must be very hard.

[granite1]

gen im with justshakey. you loved this person(not just A T) very deeply. it is a great loss to you and will take as long as you need to start to heal. I don't think you will ever forget her and the relationship. but I do hope in time it will be filled with good kind memories that come without the pain of missing her. I think it will do you good to keep talking as long as you need about this and current T will be willing to listen as long as you need.

[elliemay]

I think this is grief, sucky, complicated, painful grief. It will last as long as it has to, and you will never be the same afterwards. Grief, is nothing else, on a long enough time frame is transformative.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and the hurt you feel right now.

I hope you get to the bottom of your health issues very very soon.

[GenCat]

Thank you all for the kind words. They mean a lot.

[ombrétwilight]

I wish I could offer you some comfort and take away some of your pain. I feel your heartbreak and the emotions are so raw here. Termination can be very traumatic but I applaud you for being strong enough to break off your previous therapy because you felt like transference was hindering your progress. That seriously takes a lot of guts and willpower. I've said this before on another thread, but it always struck me as strange how we (clients) grieve for someone (our therapists) who is not dead but very much healthy and alive, but for all intents as lost to us as a long-gone relative. During the in-between periods when my T did not see me for weeks, I still had to walk past her office a few times daily and I would turn my head even though I can't see her. There is only a wall between us but it sure feels like an ocean.

Please take care of your health too. I hope you get well soon - both physically and mentally.

[SnakeCharmer]

GenCat, please accept my condolences on the loss of your beloved horse. That loss ... to me it's not surprising you fell ill afterward. You are grieving deeply and it will take time to recover. The bond between horse and human is so strong, it's almost psychic at times. It's not any different to me than losing a best friend. Please be gentle with yourself as your grief runs its course and you slowly heal.

Of course, one grief compounds another. I've written elsewhere in this forum on my opinion about the dangers of love (appropriate and ethically demonstrated, even if the feeling is romantic/erotic) between patient and therapist, as well as therapy that emphasizes transference. It has too many ways to end badly, as has happened with you. You have my deepest condolences on the grief you're feeling.

Right now, my main concern is your physical health. Too much loss can tip people into dangerous health situations as their bodies respond to all the stress hormones washing through their systems. I'm speaking from personal experience on this. Please take very good care of yourself physically and mentally, with plenty of emphasis on getting yourself on a regularized schedule of nutritious food, exercise (even gentle walks) and sleeping at night instead of during the day, even if that seems very difficult. Your life may depend on it.

Rock god Brian May wrote a song about too much love during a time of great loss in his own life. His words resonate with me.

Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...

But it doesn't have to be that way, not if we take care of ourselves. Please do everything in your power to recover from these great losses and the impossible love your feel for your former therapist. A new therapist, one who is not likely to become a love object, might be a very good idea. You have suffered deeply. Speaking from the bottom of my heart, from the experience of one who has been shattered by loss, I can tell you sincerely that there is life and love and hope after the death of beloved friends and the shattering loss of a love. There is hope. You can be happy again.

I wish you the best. My thoughts will be with you.

[GenCat]

Thank you so much. <3