[RedSun]

So I had therapy this afternoon, and it was a good session I think...
I apologised for being a brat last week, and she said she felt privileged that I could be authentic with her
We were talking about something that (may have) happened to me with a friend of my dads when I was a teen. She said that I should let her (my teen) speak, but I couldn't. I had no words. And I think she will hate me if I let my teen talk, cos I feel she that part of me is contaminating.
But also...if I tell her, all of it....we won't have anything left to, idk, work on I guess. Or talk about. Then she might terminate me, or I might be really boring.
What am I thinking? Anyone felt the same?

[alcibie1]

I think I can relate...I can't let myself talk through my "story" either and sometimes there's this feeling of...if I do...and that's it...and she thinks it's all resolved...and I still feel the same...what then? Would your thoughts be anything like that?
I don't think that would really be the case for you or me...and I think your words will come, especially when you know you can be authentic and say what you need to/act how you need to and it is ok. That's a really good step

[CantExplain]

I'm sure there will be other things to talk about. And CSA will keep you both busy for several years, I fear.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I don't believe our stories and therapy path behave in a linear way. You revisit events previously discussed, and get new perspectives, deeper insights, face stuff your mind previously protected you from by repressing...and so on. New **** comes to light the deeper in you go.

It kind of reminds me of when you watch a great film, you can watch it again a second, third, fourth time, and still get new meaning from it. You know the story after the first viewing, but the person writing their doctorate on that movie is going to have a vast amount of knowledge that you can't even dream of on a first viewing.

[RedSun]

Yes, thanks everyone, the film thing is a good analogy.
So....how to find the words....

[StressedMess]

Write it down, maybe like a diary entry to get the authentic teen-feeling. Then have T read it or attempt to read it yourself.

My daughter gets trauma focused CBT and this step is called "reciting your narrative." The idea is to talk about it so often that it loses its power over you, and in that way you can deal with what happened and not your fear of people finding out what happened.

Wait, that's not a direct quote, just how dd described it to me. Sounds plausible, though.

[jexa]

Oh that is some amazing insight you have.

Yeah I think I can relate to that. Now that I'm a T I know that T's aren't going to push you out or drop you unless they have to and unless you really are all the way ready. If you don't want to go, you can just say so. Don't let it stop you from sharing. Don't let it stop you from healing. My philosophy as a T is that therapy with my clients is over when there's nothing to talk about anymore.

If you're feeling afraid of the ending of therapy, that's something to talk about. It's a fear of abandonment - it's attachment and avoidance of loss - it's fear. This is powerful content to share with your T.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Red75

We were talking about something that (may have) happened to me with a friend of my dads when I was a teen. She said that I should let her (my teen) speak, but I couldn't. I had no words. And I think she will hate me if I let my teen talk, cos I feel she that part of me is contaminating.

I don't have a teen because my CSA happened at an earlier age, but I do have a pretty sassy 11 year old. The way it has worked for me is for me to understand what she's saying, and then I say it to my T, either "this is what she said" or in my own words.

I think the feelings of contamination are really common in CSA, mine were like my experience could poison my T (or someone else), and I think just acknowledging it's in the room and being open to experiencing it could actually change that around for you. Because neither you nor your teen can hurt your T or anyone else, and you'll see that for a fact when you talk about it. And your T won't hate you or terminate you or think you're boring, and at least if my trauma work experience is anything in the neighborhood of normal, there's lots to talk about after the big disclosure.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Write it down, maybe like a diary entry to get the authentic teen-feeling. Then have T read it or attempt to read it yourself.

My daughter gets trauma focused CBT and this step is called "reciting your narrative." The idea is to talk about it so often that it loses its power over you, and in that way you can deal with what happened and not your fear of people finding out what happened.

Wait, that's not a direct quote, just how dd described it to me. Sounds plausible, though.

I have found writing about it to be very helpful. I keep writing and revising, writing and revising until I get a short story out of it, a little chapter of my life as it were. I can reread the stories from time to time and it's helpful in being able to grieve. Somehow, seeing it written down helps me to believe myself. I'm not sure if it's lost its power over me exactly but somehow the experience has transformed and become something else. I'm not sure what, but it's at least a more coherent thing. It is as though my vague sick feelings make some sense now and that makes me feel organized and comforted.

I think the movie analogy is an apt one. I really like to reread and re-watch my favorite books and movies. There are books I've read dozens of times. And I sometimes see new things, sometimes I just feel comforted by the predictability of it or entertained by the story. Maybe when you've written it down, it eventually becomes a book you can close. You'll reopen it of course, but you can put it down. It's not an endless loop in your head anymore.

[RedSun]

This is sooo helpful.
Anne, I think that's a big fear...I feel that my teen will damage my own children somehow. If I let her be seen or heard, I will never be able to hide her away again, and everyone will know....ugh. My t says that my teen is always welcome with her, but she's not welcome with me . Sometimes if we talk about that time, and I say my teen is a wh*re, my t tears up, but I don't feel sad for her (teen) at all. Just cross with my t for being so nice!

[geez]

Red your T will be able to help contain your teenager. Perhaps your T can give you some strategy for being in control of your teen?

I experienced CSA and I've been in therapy for 6 years. It takes time. It's like layers of on an onion. Once you figure out one layer another one comes to the surface.