[MindfulMoment]

Hi everyone! This is my first post.

Okay, here we go. I've been in therapy with my new therapist for 4 weeks now and from our first session I have developed the most annoying and inappropriate habit.

I can't stop smiling!

I'll be explaining to her how bad my week has been, or discussing something painful and I'll smile and in some cases I'll even laugh! At our second session she commented on it and said that she didn't know whether I found what I was saying funny because I said it with a smile.

This habit is really starting to irritate me. I told myself before this weeks session that I wouldn't smile inappropriately, but I couldn't help it, in fact I was even worse! This nervous smiling is starting to seep out into other areas of my life as well. Before I started therapy with her I never had this problem. I think it may be because she leaves a lot of silence during the sessions and it is very led by me. My old therapist used a CBT approach which had a teaching element and though ultimately it didn't help me, that is how I'm used to therapy being and this new therapists approach unsettles me slightly.

Does anyone else laugh/smile inappropriately during therapy? How do I stop? And what's the purpose of silence during therapy? I can't stand that I lead most of the sessions. I really want her to take charge!

Thank you for reading & I hope that you can help.

[ThisWayOut]

I can definitely relate. For me if happens when I'm feeling too much emotion, specifically embarrassment or shame. I think mine is a defense mechanism, because if I'm smiling like a fool, it throws t off about how emotional I actually am about something. It happened more with previous t, but I definitely do that too.
Talk to your t about it. For me, it helped that t would check in around it.

[stopdog]

I don't think I smile at all at appointments.
Is therapy the the only place this occurs for you?

[Partless]

Yeah, as ThisWayOut mentions, do you feel shame or embarrassment during the session? Do you feel vulnerable somehow? Like what happens right before you start smiling?

[liveinspired]

I do this except I don't smile. I just laugh and giggle at inappropriate times.

My T and I have discussed it a little but here and there. We have come to the conclusion that it's a defense mechanism. Whenever I'm talking about something really painful I started bursting out laughing or giggling. It's died down and has been for awhile though.

[Virginia1991]

I could have written this post word for word. I do this all the time. I also do it "in real life". Sometimes I have to apologize for it and tell the person I smile when I am nervous. My t will smile back if it is something "not too heavy". However, sometimes it is something I shouldn't be smiling about and I see the seriousness on her face and apologize. She always says it is ok. I think it is a defense mechanism. I have pretended my whole life certain things don't bother me which actually do. I try to hide behind my smile.

[shabur]

I had the same thought as liveinspired - it's a defense mechanism. My suggestion would be to discuss it with your T.

[brokenwarrior]

I become a stubborn sarcastic ***** during most of my sessions. Thankfully my T understands that it is just a coping mechanism for me, otherwise I'd cry and I don't like crying in front of people. She also plays along with it which is helpful but also makes me laugh when I know I shouldn't. For me, it's all just a way form to hide what I'm really feeling.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do laugh and smile even if I'm extremely depressed. Part of it is me trying to fight the depression. Another part of it is me trying to hide the depression.

My T even brought it up today. I was talking about some things that are bothering me, and I was still able to laugh with her. She said that she viewed it as the "real" me still existing and fighting. Once before with my Pdoc, we were talking about something when I was depressed, and I actually made her laugh too. She was so apologetic. I didn't take it as offensive though because I hate when people try to be melancholy just because I'm depressed.

My mom had surgery this year. She had a tumor removed from her colon, and she wasn't doing too good first couple days after surgery. I was so worried. But instead of showings sadness or fear, I was cracking jokes...not to be rude, but because it was emotionally too intense (I got everyone laughing though...even her roommate).

Now, I do have to be careful about who I'm around if there's something traumatic going on.

But that's part of the reason I have "atypical" depression. I do have the ability to smile, laugh, joke, and even react to positive situations even when I'm depressed.

BTW, atypical depression is more common than melancholy depression. It's only called atypical because you react opposite of what the word depression means.

[Freewilled]

I do this....I call it my smirk. I hate it and I try to hide it, but it sometimes still comes out no matter what I do. It makes me feel inauthentic and fake - like it's a different part of myself. Hard to explain.....I think it's a defense mechanism.

[secretgalaxy]

I have this exact same problem! I know mine is a defense mechanism because if I am smiling, I can't cry, since I've been taught that crying is bad to do, especially in public (and I view anywhere else other than my house public, so T's office isn't safe to cry). I feel fake because I do this, and I feel like my t doesn't take me as serious. I have gotten better with her, thought. I do want help and I do want to stop hiding my emotions, but it's really hard to switch modes for just 50 minutes out of the week...

[Petra5ed]

I think it's pretty common to smile and laugh when you're nervous. If I were you I would point it In session just so she can stay on the same page. If you just say something like "I don't know why I'm smiling now because this is a serious issue for me" she'll likely get it right away. Maybe with time the anxiety and smiling will decrease. I still find myself cracking a joke to escape some painful stuff. I think it's good in a lot of ways!

[MindfulMoment]

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think I smile at all at appointments.
Is therapy the the only place this occurs for you?

I've also started doing it when I'm the centre of attention. For example I attend a weight loss group and last week I hadn't lost any weight and the group organise went on about commitment etc when you cae to speak to me in front of the group. I know that she was trying to motivate me, but I felt sooo uncomfortable and just smiled the whole time. It was mortifying to have such an inappropriate reaction.

Originally Posted by Partless

Yeah, as ThisWayOut mentions, do you feel shame or embarrassment during the session? Do you feel vulnerable somehow? Like what happens right before you start smiling?

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I can definitely relate. For me if happens when I'm feeling too much emotion, specifically embarrassment or shame. I think mine is a defense mechanism, because if I'm smiling like a fool, it throws t off about how emotional I actually am about something. It happened more with previous t, but I definitely do that too.
Talk to your t about it. For me, it helped that t would check in around it.

I smile when I'm talking about how tough my week has been. I smiled last week about the fact that my pet died. I've been doing it when I feel anxious, or just want to diffuse the seriousness of things. It has come out of the blue and I never used to do it, which is why it has shocked me so much. How do I stop myself?

My T looked deadly serious the first time I smiled at something serious, but she was a little more light-hearted at this session. I'm not sure if she knows what to make of it. I just feel so awkward and uncomfortable around her and I can't quite point out why. I trust her and she's appropriately compassionate, but there's just too much silence.

[StressedMess]

I struggle with this too. I can tell a horrific event from my past, with a beet red flush and a self-deprecating smile at the same time. I think I do it to cover up my true feelings, as I've hidden them all my life. If someone upsets me I pretend not to be upset. If I'm telling a sad story I can't possibly look sad! That shows weakness, and I'm strong dammit!

T calls me on it, asks me if its a happy memory (and I roll my eyes) and she tells me feelings aren't good or bad, they just "are." I should acknowledge the feeling instead of pretending it doesn't bother me and putting on my mask. I haven't gotten there yet.

About you leading and T not talking too much, you really need to bring that up. T may be feeling out your style, trying to accommodate you. When I get anxious I ramble and sometimes turn into a motormouth.

And since you only started smiling at inappropriate times once you started seeing this T, maybe you can get to the bottom of it before it becomes a lifelong habit. Good luck!

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

I struggle with this too. I can tell a horrific event from my past, with a beet red flush and a self-deprecating smile at the same time. I think I do it to cover up my true feelings, as I've hidden them all my life. If someone upsets me I pretend not to be upset. If I'm telling a sad story I can't possibly look sad! That shows weakness, and I'm strong dammit!

T calls me on it, asks me if its a happy memory (and I roll my eyes) and she tells me feelings aren't good or bad, they just "are." I should acknowledge the feeling instead of pretending it doesn't bother me and putting on my mask. I haven't gotten there yet.

About you leading and T not talking too much, you really need to bring that up. T may be feeling out your style, trying to accommodate you. When I get anxious I ramble and sometimes turn into a motormouth.

And since you only started smiling at inappropriate times once you started seeing this T, maybe you can get to the bottom of it before it becomes a lifelong habit. Good luck!

Thanks for replying.

I too try to pretend that things which bother me don't bother me, but It realised that it's also an element of me not really understanding how to respond. How am I meant to respond when I talk about something devastating? I can't cry, or have a breakdown every time something upsets me. I just don't know what's appropriate.

I also turn into a bit of a motor mouth because I'm desperate to fill the silence. I can't just instruct her to speak though .

I'm definitely going to bring up the smiling thing at our next session though.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by MindfulMoment

I smile when I'm talking about how tough my week has been. I smiled last week about the fact that my pet died. I've been doing it when I feel anxious, or just want to diffuse the seriousness of things. It has come out of the blue and I never used to do it, which is why it has shocked me so much. How do I stop myself?

Oh I'm sorry to hear your pet died.

My suggestion about the smiling thing is, first, don't feel self conscious about it. Ts have dealt with all kinds of reactions people have and so even if your T looked surprised, don't automatically assume judgment unless there is more evidence for that (in which case I'm not sure that you got yourself a good T). Secondly, when you feel comfortable, bring this up with your T.

[AncientMelody]

I get nervous during my piano lessons and laugh at almost every mistake I make. I assure my piano instructor that I'm taking things seriously, I just laugh when I'm nervous or under high stress. Like a pressure release valve. The more you worry about it, the more it will draw your and your therapist's attention to it. And it will likely make you less productive in session. just go with it and accept it and it will probably start to settle down on its own in time

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by Partless

Oh I'm sorry to hear your pet died.

My suggestion about the smiling thing is, first, don't feel self conscious about it. Ts have dealt with all kinds of reactions people have and so even if your T looked surprised, don't automatically assume judgment unless there is more evidence for that (in which case I'm not sure that you got yourself a good T). Secondly, when you feel comfortable, bring this up with your T.

Thank you She didn't look surprised, but I definitely think she finds me hard to read, as she's just getting to know me really and I'm smiling every few minutes. It just makes things a bit tense for me.

Originally Posted by AncientMelody

I get nervous during my piano lessons and laugh at almost every mistake I make. I assure my piano instructor that I'm taking things seriously, I just laugh when I'm nervous or under high stress. Like a pressure release valve. The more you worry about it, the more it will draw your and your therapist's attention to it. And it will likely make you less productive in session. just go with it and accept it and it will probably start to settle down on its own in time

The thing is I don't want it to become an ingrained habit. I really need to nip it in the bud, just not sure how

I sometimes laugh at inappropriate times. T figured out pretty quickly it is a defense mechanism.

We are all so different - when I started out my T talked all the time and always took the lead, and I couldn't stand it. It's definitely worth talking to her about it.

I also don't do any smiling or laughing.

[HolisticGal]

Oh it makes sense now why I would start laughing at inappropriate times (in life generally).

Also, I fire Ts that stretch out silences because a) it's on my dime, b) it shows they are attentive, and c) concrete tips are what I'm after, not someone to just sit and listen.

[harvest moon]

I realized how much I do this when I started recording my sessions. I was shocked at how I was talking about the most painful stuff and was giggling at the same time. It is definitely a defense mechanism towards the shame, anxiety and depressive feelings I'm having while talking about difficult stuff. Every time I say to myself that I'll try not to do it next time, and then I listen to my sessions and am shocked that I was doing it again, without even realizing, during my session..

[catlady83]

Sounds to me that you're probably just nervous and the smiling will probably go away as you become more comfortable with your therapist

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by harvest moon

I realized how much I do this when I started recording my sessions. I was shocked at how I was talking about the most painful stuff and was giggling at the same time. It is definitely a defense mechanism towards the shame, anxiety and depressive feelings I'm having while talking about difficult stuff. Every time I say to myself that I'll try not to do it next time, and then I listen to my sessions and am shocked that I was doing it again, without even realizing, during my session..

Havestmoon, you are exactly like me! It's crazy. I'm so glad I'm not alone in this, but definitely need to find a more 'appropriate' way to talk about painful things.

Originally Posted by catlady83

Sounds to me that you're probably just nervous and the smiling will probably go away as you become more comfortable with your therapist

I hope so.

[ChildlikeEmpress]

Yeah I do this too... My old T noticed this and we decided it was a defense mechanism. It was OK with her because she knew what it was, but I'm at sure it is confusing around other people.