[roseblossom]

I've talked to my therapist about the fact that I was emotionally neglected, but we haven't specifically talked about what's needed to recover and the steps necessary. The reason I'm asking here is that I wondered if anyone else had been through the same in their own therapeutic experience? To be honest I'm also now wondering if my T actually really knows what's needed.

I've also been reflecting on the fact that when I first got mentally ill 20 years ago, a counsellor told me that I had been emotionally abused and neither my doctor or any other health professionals made any plan to get me help so that the same situation wasn't repeated with my own child, who is now grown up and I'm conscious has problems too. I'm feeling really crap about this and would like to get him support too.

[RedSun]

I'm not sure we can always recover from early abuse, but we can certainly find ways to lessen the pain, and impact on our everyday lives.
I think with emotional abuse, a big part of that recovery is being in a relationship where your emotional needs ARE met,- you feel heard, held, valued and respected. Hopefully, the t relationship will provide that, so you have an alternative blueprint of your own value, and how a close relationship can work. So, the work can be really implicit rather than a specific way of dealing with something, but can have a profound effect if its done well.

I was emotionally neglected. My belief is that it is the therapeutic relationship with my T that can heal - being with someone who is accepting and caring, someone I can entirely be myself with. Like the concept of re-parenting. There is neuroscientific research that suggests that these sorts of relationships actually change your brain.

It sounds so simple on paper, but for me in practice it is not quite so simple, I don't feel particularly acceptable. My T thinks the process can take years.

[musinglizzy]

Red, you said it perfectly!

I get frustrated with myself that I'm 40 years old and still impacted by my childhood.... but I guess by going through therapy, I'm trying to heal myself....which is a good thing. I feel safe with my T, and like Red said, heard, held, respected.....all of those things. I'm hoping one day those negative thoughts and the sadness that goes with it can go away. At least somewhat.

[HazelGirl]

I have been emotionally neglected. And my T has a few things that she does to help me and heal me.

First and most important, she constantly encourages me to reach out to her if I have something difficult (or good) going on. Because I was alone in what I went through as a kid while being abused, she knows it just makes everything worse for me to feel alone now when I'm going through difficult things. It can actually make my traumatic reactions worse if I don't feel like I can or should talk to her about difficult things. She always says that me being alone when I'm suffering is traumatic for me because it is a repeat of my childhood. She had to work very hard to convince me that she wants to be there for me when I'm struggling, even though I have never had someone do that for me before. And it is validating and makes me feel heard and seen when I can share the good things, which I couldn't do as a child.

Secondly, she prioritizes contact and connection. I have access to her 24/7. I can call or text if/when I want or need any day and any time. I don't ever have to feel like she is out of reach or that I'm not allowed to contact her. Even if she goes on vacation, I have access to her (although I try not to contact her when that happens, unless it's an emergency). And unlike people on here who get obsessive about when they contact their T or if they should or if they have contacted them too much or whatever, because I have such unlimited access, I don't feel that same fearful obsession around contact. It also helps us to maintain a connection when it might normally fall apart during the week inbetween appointments.

Thirdly, she is involved. She isn't just present during the one hour a week I see her. She is present in many things. I bring her paintings I've done to show her. She gives me cards. She visited my new apartment when I moved out on my own for the first time. She likes hearing about the things going on in my life, and seeing pictures. I don't feel like she only cares about one area of my life (emotional health), I feel like she cares about all areas of my life and is as present in them as she is able to be.

There are other things, too, but these are the ones that come to mind.

I like what you said HazelGirl about how validating it is to share the good things, too - I know I already mentioned this in another thread but I'll say it again here, my mother never said she was proud of me for anything... last month, I self-published my first book of poems, and just instinctively told t about it first - before I told my mother - and t was so happy for me and couldn't stop saying "I'm so proud of you" and the "I feel like a proud mama!" and squealing her delight. that felt SO good, SO validating, SO... wonderful I must admit. I got around to telling my mother and she did manage to squeeze out a "congratulations" (which honestly surprised me) but I didn't feel anything behind it. I think I'm finally beginning to understand that I really do not have even the most basic emotional connection to my mother. Feels mean and terrible to say but well it seems to be true.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Secondly, she prioritizes contact and connection. I have access to her 24/7. I can call or text if/when I want or need any day and any time. I don't ever have to feel like she is out of reach or that I'm not allowed to contact her. Even if she goes on vacation, I have access to her (although I try not to contact her when that happens, unless it's an emergency). And unlike people on here who get obsessive about when they contact their T or if they should or if they have contacted them too much or whatever, because I have such unlimited access, I don't feel that same fearful obsession around contact. It also helps us to maintain a connection when it might normally fall apart during the week inbetween appointments..

I have been seeing My T for about nine months and I have 24/7 contact, too. I had liberal contact with PrevT but never anything like this. None of my previous T's gave me 24/7 contact. I mean, I can call her number and she picks up the phone! I am not used to it yet. I'm still afraid I will wear her out. But she has said and written such comforting responses to me like,

"You are not bothering me, ever."
"I'm here - call if you need to talk."
"You are in my thoughts. I hope you have a good and peaceful day."

This feels incredible. It feels healing. She is awesome.
I hope to one day to feel more secure about her contact boundaries.

[roseblossom]

Thank you for everyone's replies.

Hazelgirl - that sounds like a very special relationship that you have with your Therapist. It sounds healing and affirming.

From what you have shared, validation seems a key thing that I could explore with my T.

When you mention that extent of contact and connection, as well as involvement - other than some occasional contact with friends, these are things that I've longed for with other relationships outside of my family of origin for a really long time, but they have so far eluded me. I wonder if there's something I need to change. My T has commitments with family and other clients so I see her once a week or every other week.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I was emotionally neglected too. What the other posters wrote about validation, presence, and reassurance is so spot on, I won't even try to add.

As far as finding other relationships outside of family and professionals, that I is something my T is trying to help me on. My T suggested I take an arts and craft workshop, take a class I'll enjoy in college, join a book club, or volunteer at a place I would enjoy. I'll meet people who have similar interests and overtime a friendship will develop. If not, at least I would be doing something I enjoy.

Maybe you can try just one of those things?

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I was emotionally neglected too. What the other posters wrote about validation, presence, and reassurance is so spot on, I won't even try to add.

As far as finding other relationships outside of family and professionals, that I is something my T is trying to help me on. My T suggested I take an arts and craft workshop, take a class I'll enjoy in college, join a book club, or volunteer at a place I would enjoy. I'll meet people who have similar interests and overtime a friendship will develop. If not, at least I would be doing something I enjoy.

Maybe you can try just one of those things?

Thanks for your suggestions ScarletPimpernel. I have been volunteering several times a week. I have appreciated the opportunity to meet people and regain some confidence with being able to be productive again.

However, I've struggled with is a lack of direction and sense of what I really like and essentially, who I am.

I did say to my therapist that I wanted to leave one volunteering role that I had, but she spent some time trying to persuade me to stay in it until I had found something else to replace it. I'm not sure whether this was best or not, so I haven't given in my notice there, but I would really like to let it go.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I have been seeing My T for about nine months and I have 24/7 contact, too. I had liberal contact with PrevT but never anything like this. None of my previous T's gave me 24/7 contact. I mean, I can call her number and she picks up the phone! I am not used to it yet. I'm still afraid I will wear her out. But she has said and written such comforting responses to me like,

"You are not bothering me, ever."
"I'm here - call if you need to talk."
"You are in my thoughts. I hope you have a good and peaceful day."

This feels incredible. It feels healing. She is awesome.
I hope to one day to feel more secure about her contact boundaries.

Hi precarious, that sounds great - before posting here, I had never heard of therapists giving 24/7 contact.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I have been seeing My T for about nine months and I have 24/7 contact, too. I had liberal contact with PrevT but never anything like this. None of my previous T's gave me 24/7 contact. I mean, I can call her number and she picks up the phone! I am not used to it yet. I'm still afraid I will wear her out. But she has said and written such comforting responses to me like,

"You are not bothering me, ever."
"I'm here - call if you need to talk."
"You are in my thoughts. I hope you have a good and peaceful day."

This feels incredible. It feels healing. She is awesome.
I hope to one day to feel more secure about her contact boundaries.

I have gone through the same thing, almost a disbelief that she would be so willing to actually talk to me or acknowledge me. It has made me feel human in a way that I haven't felt before. I feel like I exist and I matter to someone in more ways than what they can get out of me or how much trouble I will be for them.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

Hi precarious, that sounds great - before posting here, I had never heard of therapists giving 24/7 contact.

You're welcome.

I hadn't heard of it, either...and it was a giant surprise. It took me a few weeks..and at least one "rupture" for me to realize she meant what she said.

[JustShakey]

Reaching out is hardest for me. No matter how many times T, or anyone else for that matter, tells me to call if I need to I still feel like I shouldn't, like I'm imposing. It makes me very anxious.
The source of my issues is becoming clearer to me these days too. I was telling my mother a few days ago that I was visiting friends and she told me to make sure and bring them a gift. I was raised to believe I have to give people something for putting up with me...
I don't know how I'm going to get over this reaching out thing. It seems I fight the same battle each time I pick up the phone. I'd love to call T and get 5 minutes worth of reassurance. I want to call friends and just talk. But I get so anxious! I feel like I'm being a nuisance.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[tinyrabbit]

I was also neglected, among other things. I think it's a combination of being therapeutically nurtured, and working through your grief. It's not easy but it is worth it.