[granite1]

I just cant seem to figure it all out . this week I went to T after having one of the worst weekends ever . I couldn't say much to her at first and panicked that it was going to be another session that she sits there and judges me and stares and says nothing. probably after about 15 min she asked if I wanted to go this session without saying anything . I shook my head no. some how I brought up what she said to me on the phone when I called her and she really doesn't remember talking to me on the phone . she flat out said that she did not. so I said I wonder who it was I talked to . anyway then we went on and I told her that she said she was waiting to see what was going to happen when she was so quiet and I wanted to know what it was she was wanting from me . again she first said she didn't want anything from me . now I know she didn't mean that how I took it but it hurt . like someone saying that you are not worth anything ,that you have nothing of any worth. I know this of myself and I just put it all on her . it hurt big. she wanted to know why felt she wanted something from me. but I couldn't go any further with that because she didn't remember the conversation. I know i called her but whatever. finely i told her that i felt it was all so unimportant and let it go. she asked me why i brought it up that it must be important .i just said i was just hoping that she would answer the question . it was all confusing.

after more silence i finely told her that i was just not doing ok at all. i couldn't believe i was admitting that to her. i didn't think i had any other choice .in the grand scheme of things that i am struggling with the fact that she didn't remember talking to me was unimportant to me . i was hurting for so many other reasons. i really needed her help to talk about what was going on and she actually did. i admitted to her how bad Sunday was and how i had wished that i had the courage to SU . i was expecting her to just say she was not going to be able to work with me and that i need to go into the hospital again. i didn't tell her about all the Xanax and sleeping the days away. she said that it was not ok that i was feeling this way and wanted to know what had happened to bring this on. i told her about my son calling me and giving me a hard time about something (long story so ill skip it) anyway we talked about that some and how i am just in general feeling completely expendable all the time to everyone and everything in my life . that i am just so tired .and hurt . we talked a lot about what might be going on with my son .i think she got some of it and not other things but i have no energy to fight with her these days but she did seem to care very much at the time .it confused me because i don't know what i did that was different then the week before . she even said that i need to stop feeling SU . so i snapped my fingers and said done. she smiled . i knew what she meant and was just being silly. but then she got serious and said that i should have called her first ting on Monday and let her know how i was feeling. i think she meant it also she as not just saying that because she knows i rarely call. but i don't know what she could do to help me in this situation . i told her that one thing i learned it that there was nothing she was going to be able to do to help me then . she said yes there is ,that we could have talked or i could have come to see her .. i don't know if this is true or not. i wouldn't trust it .she asked me if i was still feeling this way and i told her not at the moment .she just seemed to care about me this time . i don't know if it was probably all in my head and fake or if she was scared i would commit SU or what but she seemed to care. she told me before i left that i know she isn't in the office on thur and fri but that if i am feeling like that ever again to call and leave a message and she will get back to me on Monday. i just said ok thinking how would that help

[Victoria'smom]

Maybe just hearing the voicemail will help.

I do find it helpful when my T calls me when I'm in distress. However, he doesn't make me wait for business hours, and he checks his voicemail when he is out of the office.