[PaulaS]

I was upset over some things that had been said in therapy and therefore I e-mailed my T about this. I expected her to understand and to suggest how we were to go forward, but nothing. She didn´t seem to be sorry of the situation but just e-mailed me back with some short sentences where the most significant thing was that she didn´t know how to continue with therapy.

I think she took my criticism personally but isn´t T:s in general supposed to overlook this and try to find a way forward? I´m of course willing to discuss things that made her upset but I get the feeling she took things personally and now she doesn´t want to see me anymore.

I often read about clients who acts out towards their therapists in many ways, that is calling them names, leaving in the middle of a session and so on and I don´t think I´m anywhere near this kind of behaviour. It also makes me wonder why I didn´t get a more precise answer to "don´t know". It just gets me very confused.

Anyone with thoughts about this?

[harvest moon]

Could it be she wanted to talk about it in your next session and not via email?

My first and only big rupture with my T was in our 2nd year of therapy, where he reacted very badly to a situation I was having, not being able to listen to him and crying non stop, accusing him that he wants to terminate me. It took me a long long time to trust him since that incident. I still struggle with that sometimes.

So you should definitely bring it up and talk it through. And if you see that your assumption that she took it personally is correct, then --for me-- it is alarming and you should consider if you can work it through or not. How long have you been seeing her?

[SnakeCharmer]

I think she took my criticism personally but isn´t T:s in general supposed to overlook this and try to find a way forward?

IMO, it's a mistake to expect all Ts to accept critical and hostile emails and texts just because some do. Some types of psychoanalytically oriented therapies actually encourage hostile transference as a way of uncovering patterns that may be rooted in childhood and that continue to cause present day life problems.

Other T's and other types of therapy, especially those that deal in the here and now, would consider such an email as a sign that the client is "not amenable to treatment."

I'm sorry you received this shock. Unless your T has encouraged such behavior, you may have made a strategic error by imitating what some of the posters here have described.

If you've followed these stories closely, you may have seen that some of these angry emails -- which get a lot of positive reinforcement here -- end with the sender feeling very bad within a few days. It doesn't work out as expected to clear the air or make the T change or apologize or feel bad.

There's no reason why a T "should" be willing to take abuse from a client, unless it's part of their brand of therapy and they've been trained to handle it appropriately. In fact, therapies that deal in the here and now would expect to show the sender of such an email that hostile actions have consequences, such as driving people away.

If you want to continue seeing this T I suggest you tell her the truth -- you read about this behavior on this forum and thought it would be a good way to deal with some of your concerns. Then ask her how she suggests you handle a conflict like this.

If you want to continue therapy, it might be important for you to show her you are "amenable to treatment" and finding out what that means to your T and if you want that kind of therapy.

The ball is in court. I suggest you tell her the complete truth of what motivated your critical email, not just her actions but the fact that you'd read about other people doing it. The two of you can decide from there whether or not you can work together.

I wish you the best.

[HazelGirl]

I think you're mind reading. She just replied that she isn't sure how to proceed. That doesn't mean that she is upset with you or doesn't want to see you.

[PaulaS]

Yes, it could be that way that she wanted me to talk about it in person. But still, criticism, in this case it was just about things said in therapy, no calling names and so on, should be taken as a thing to explore further. Not a reason for ending therapy? I´ve been with this T for some months now.

If there´s a blurred line between what the therapist thinks and says and the "person behind it" says you will never know as a client who you deal with.

Originally Posted by harvest moon

Could it be she wanted to talk about it in your next session and not via email?

My first and only big rupture with my T was in our 2nd year of therapy, where he reacted very badly to a situation I was having, not being able to listen to him and crying non stop, accusing him that he wants to terminate me. It took me a long long time to trust him since that incident. I still struggle with that sometimes.

So you should definitely bring it up and talk it through. And if you see that your assumption that she took it personally is correct, then --for me-- it is alarming and you should consider if you can work it through or not. How long have you been seeing her?

[PaulaS]

Very interesting point you present here. I have to mention at first that it perhaps sounded like I was mimicing some methods from other clients but that wasn´t the case. I just compared my actions to others in a general way. The decision to e-mail my T was just out of disappointment and it wasn´t written in any sort of rage.

Even if it was wrong e-mailing my T I think clients has to do mistakes without feeling stupid about doing them? I´m not saying you defend my T but I now talk in general terms. Of course a client gets angry sometimes and then has the right to show it? That is describing the facts and how it made the client/me feel.

It´s very interesting the thing you write about that sending such an e-mail instead makes the T show him or her being offended or in my case, to turn from me. I think there´s much truth to this but how should I know as a client?

If I get answers from my T that more or less sounds like a termination, is it then worth that the T acts in such a way? I mean, in my case it can be either way, just some kind of "play" that she acts like a private person or that she has just had it as a T, not wanting to work with me anymore. I will perhaps just choose to leave and she will then think of it like a natural outcome? It sounds very strange to me, to me it´s to "put everyone into the same basket".

I didn´t think of the term amenable to treatment before. To me and in the case I desribed it sounds like criticism isn´t "the way things work" in that special kind of treatment.

Then it´s just another setback in my therapy. Really don´t know what to do.

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

IMO, it's a mistake to expect all Ts to accept critical and hostile emails and texts just because some do. Some types of psychoanalytically oriented therapies actually encourage hostile transference as a way of uncovering patterns that may be rooted in childhood and that continue to cause present day life problems.

Other T's and other types of therapy, especially those that deal in the here and now, would consider such an email as a sign that the client is "not amenable to treatment."

I'm sorry you received this shock. Unless your T has encouraged such behavior, you may have made a strategic error by imitating what some of the posters here have described.

If you've followed these stories closely, you may have seen that some of these angry emails -- which get a lot of positive reinforcement here -- end with the sender feeling very bad within a few days. It doesn't work out as expected to clear the air or make the T change or apologize or feel bad.

There's no reason why a T "should" be willing to take abuse from a client, unless it's part of their brand of therapy and they've been trained to handle it appropriately. In fact, therapies that deal in the here and now would expect to show the sender of such an email that hostile actions have consequences, such as driving people away.

If you want to continue seeing this T I suggest you tell her the truth -- you read about this behavior on this forum and thought it would be a good way to deal with some of your concerns. Then ask her how she suggests you handle a conflict like this.

If you want to continue therapy, it might be important for you to show her you are "amenable to treatment" and finding out what that means to your T and if you want that kind of therapy.

The ball is in court. I suggest you tell her the complete truth of what motivated your critical email, not just her actions but the fact that you'd read about other people doing it. The two of you can decide from there whether or not you can work together.

I wish you the best.

[harvest moon]

For example I know mine would never react like that now, but he did so in the context of 'still getting to know each other, testing the waters and limits of the client etc etc'. Since you have been seeing her only for a few months, maybe she did the same. Or she may just be waiting to talk it through face to face.
Either way, I think you would benefit from addressing it and exploring together what it brought, how you interpreted it and why.. Hope you will be able to reach a level of understanding..

[PaulaS]

Yes, that´s perhaps true but isn´t the answer a bit strange anyway? I mean, what does she get from being vague about what she thinks or wants? If she wants me "to learn from my actions" I won´t learn if I don´t know for sure what she thought about the situation.

It´s also very strange to me if therapy in some way is a kind of game that you as a client gets to be tested. I mean, perhaps she expected me having this kind of reaction and now she acts upon it as if the situation was a real and private situation between to friends or something like that? Then, as I mentioned before, you as a client won´t know what the T is really up to and for me it´s just another reason for ending therapy.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think you're mind reading. She just replied that she isn't sure how to proceed. That doesn't mean that she is upset with you or doesn't want to see you.

[PaulaS]

Interesting. It´s obvious that there sometimes really is some testing going on, in my case, I don´t really know if my T is really upset or if she just acts that way to make me feel say guilty.

For me I don´t think it´s working, I don´t think you as a T should kind of pretend that you "almost want to end therapy" and makes the client insecure. What good will it do? The thing it does is stop the client from criticising.

Originally Posted by harvest moon

For example I know mine would never react like that now, but he did so in the context of 'still getting to know each other, testing the waters and limits of the client etc etc'. Since you have been seeing her only for a few months, maybe she did the same. Or she may just be waiting to talk it through face to face.
Either way, I think you would benefit from addressing it and exploring together what it brought, how you interpreted it and why.. Hope you will be able to reach a level of understanding..

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe she simply misunderstood your email?

I am constantly misunderstanding my T's emails. And on occasion she has misunderstood mine. Even in person, we sometimes misunderstand each other.

Example: when I left session this week she asked me if I was going to harm myself. I thought she meant SI not SUI. So I said I don't know. She freaked out. She said she needs a black and white answer; not a grey answer. I told her that she'll have to accept a grey answer because I constantly have to accept her grey answers. Oops. One simple misinterpretation of one word and it lead to a very serious situation that seemed like I wasn't being serious about. Thankfully we cleared it up fairly quickly.

Maybe something similar happened. That's why in person communication is best.

[PaulaS]

I don´t think she didn´t understand my e-mails, instead I´m in that position now knowing what she meant by her answer. It´s also a fine line between acting unconsciously and go against things you´ve already told and so on. It´s perhaps not always just an innocent mistake from the T but more to it, building up to some sort of reaction from the client. But that´s another discussion...

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Maybe she simply misunderstood your email?

I am constantly misunderstanding my T's emails. And on occasion she has misunderstood mine. Even in person, we sometimes misunderstand each other.

Example: when I left session this week she asked me if I was going to harm myself. I thought she meant SI not SUI. So I said I don't know. She freaked out. She said she needs a black and white answer; not a grey answer. I told her that she'll have to accept a grey answer because I constantly have to accept her grey answers. Oops. One simple misinterpretation of one word and it lead to a very serious situation that seemed like I wasn't being serious about. Thankfully we cleared it up fairly quickly.

Maybe something similar happened. That's why in person communication is best.

[SnakeCharmer]

Paula, it can be a way to actually make progress in your therapy and to work closer with your therapist by the two of you agreeing on some ground rules of how to most effectively deal with concerns or conflicts within this particular therapeutic setting. Not all therapists have the same philosophical foundation or outlook about these things.

I'm not saying one way is better than another. However, IMO, it helps to know in some detail what kind of therapy a T has on offer and how they expect to handle certain situations.

When I read your post, I misunderstood and thought you had followed the example of some of the posters here after reading about their experiences. Thank you for clearing that up.

I still suggest you talk to her openly and honestly so both of you can decide if you want to continue working together.

As HazelGirl suggested, this may be a misunderstanding. You may be reading too much into her response. You won't know unless you talk to her.

I hope this works out well for you.

[stopdog]

Therapists cannot expect all clients to love them or not question them at all. Criticizing a therapist is not wrong. Yours may be defensive, but her response does not make it wrong that you criticized something.

[PaulaS]

Yes, it´s perhaps that way but the question for me is if I´m willing to take that risk to question her and get a "no". As she responded in such a blunt way I really doubt she is really willing to try again. Of course I can´t know for sure but it´s always good getting perspectives on things.

As it could be that way, that me interpreting too much into her response to my e-mail, I think it´s the T:s responsibility to be explicit in situations like this. There shouldn´t be any room for alternative interpretations when it comes to such serious matters as continuing or ending therapy.

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Paula, it can be a way to actually make progress in your therapy and to work closer with your therapist by the two of you agreeing on some ground rules of how to most effectively deal with concerns or conflicts within this particular therapeutic setting. Not all therapists have the same philosophical foundation or outlook about these things.

I'm not saying one way is better than another. However, IMO, it helps to know in some detail what kind of therapy a T has on offer and how they expect to handle certain situations.

When I read your post, I misunderstood and thought you had followed the example of some of the posters here after reading about their experiences. Thank you for clearing that up.

I still suggest you talk to her openly and honestly so both of you can decide if you want to continue working together.

As HazelGirl suggested, this may be a misunderstanding. You may be reading too much into her response. You won't know unless you talk to her.

I hope this works out well for you.

[PaulaS]

Yes, you´re right about that but in the end it´s still mostly the T:s own decision if she wants a client to stay or not. I can´t maintain that it´s right criticising her if she feels criticism put an end to therapy. That is, I have to quit even if the criticism was valid per se.

It perhaps depends upon the kind of therapy you´re in but even if there´s room for criticism or discussion, you´ll know if the T doesn´t appreciate that. If the T just want his or her methods to be in sole control.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Therapists cannot expect all clients to love them or not question them at all. Criticizing a therapist is not wrong. Yours may be defensive, but her response does not make it wrong that you criticized something.

[guilloche]

It's hard from what you wrote to get an accurate picture of what's really going on.... you said she wrote several sentences, but you don't really say what those said...

I wonder if her "not knowing how to continue therapy" was really a badly worded thought on her part, and that she meant she needed more time to think about the points you brought up, and to consider how to reformulate therapy to accommodate your needs?

That could be totally wrong too. That's the thing that sucks about email, it's incredibly easy to misinterpret.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do one of two things:
1. Decide to put it out of your mind until the next session (i.e. don't spend too much energy worrying about it and interpreting it, since you don't have all the information). Plan to discuss at the next session, and be upfront with your concerns and how her response came across.

or... 2. Get back in touch with her, and tell her you're confused, and ask for clarification. That should at least (hopefully) get you good information, so that you're not worrying needlessly.

(I say this as someone who has spent ALOT of time worrying about things that turned out to be not true!)

[stopdog]

The therapist has no more control than that of the client. The client can walk away from a therapist without explanation. For me, one who got pissy about criticism would be one I walked away from.

I didn't get from your description that your email was at all hostile or that you are not "amenable to treatment," just that you weren't happy with something said during session. Some therapists get defensive when questioned or criticized. It's a good idea to bring complaints to them in person so that you can see how they respond, correct any misunderstanding, and so on.

From your original post, it sounds like you were not at all attacking. I really don't understand the therapist's response, but you know her best. Hopefully, you can work this out when you see her.