[Depletion]

Does anyone ever worry about compassion fatigue with their T. https://compassionfatigue.ca/signs-a...arious-trauma/

One time at the beginning of my session my T started barging about how she would hear people say the most heinous thing to each other in the hall at her other job and not even care about it. This really bothered me. And then a few weeks ago I started tell her all about this horrible bullying I faced in college where some of my own personal and political beliefs were used to manipulate me emotionally, and she hardly reacted. It seemed like she was forcing herself to say empathetic things, and I didn't believe anything that she said. Then I told her about how I want her to have a more emotional response to some of the things that I tell her, and she just said that it would be inauthentic for her to have that response because those wouldn't be her true feelings. And she went on to say that she has heard so many horrible stories from other people that she really isn't going to have much of a response unless it is really awful. I left the session with this horrible feeling that I was in competition for her compassion, and that they only way to get it was to have something really, really, really bad happen to me. She also complains that she is exhausted a lot, and I know that she isn't eating right.

[HazelGirl]

I can understand why you would be concerned. But if that's what's going on, it isn't your fault and there isn't much you can do about it. I know that's really hard to deal with, but it's not something you have any control over. Can you talk to her about it?

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I can understand why you would be concerned. But if that's what's going on, it isn't your fault and there isn't much you can do about it. I know that's really hard to deal with, but it's not something you have any control over. Can you talk to her about it?

I suppose that I should say something.

[HazelGirl]

It might be a good idea.

I had someone I know who went through compassion fatigue. It sucks from an outsider looking in, watching it happen, and knowing there's nothing I could do to fix it.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It might be a good idea.

I had someone I know who went through compassion fatigue. It sucks from an outsider looking in, watching it happen, and knowing there's nothing I could do to fix it.

Do you think that it effected that person's work? Were they still able to help people while resolving it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Do you think that it effected that person's work? Were they still able to help people while resolving it.

Yes, it did. And they didn't resolve it. They eventually quit.

I know that's not reassuring, but the person I knew didn't take care of himself, and wasn't able to fix the downward spiral once he finally acknowledged what was going on.

That doesn't mean that your T has compassion fatigue or that she will end up the same way. There are a million different ways that problem can be resolved.

[ThisWayOut]

It's a tricky thing. Most T's should know how to do appropriate self-care, though many get into a groove which can turn into a rut. My previous T ended up leaving the agency because it had gotten too stressful and she never noticed it till it was too late. In contrast, current T is all on top of her self-care and making sure she doesn't get burnt-out from everyhting...
I think if you are worried about your T's ability to be effective, a conversation would be in order (as HazelGirl suggested).

[Depletion]

So you guys think she should be having a bigger reaction to the whole bullying thing?

[ThisWayOut]

I think I would be more concerned that her empathy seemed forced than with her lack of reaction. If you are feeling she is not genuine but simply going through the motions, it can make therapy difficult. I would not want to sit with a T that said things just because she thought they would make me feel better. I wouldn't want a huge reaction to things, but I wouldn't want to feel she was bored... I'm not sure if that a the feeling you got from her, or just that she was disinterested or something? Sometimes T don;t realize we mean to focus on something. I know a few times I have had to explain to a T that I needed more time on something (most recently I tried to explain to T the fear behind changing an old habit. She didn't understand the extent and quality of the fear until I had explained it multiple times with her constantly checcking her understanding. She thought it was simply a difficult habit to break, when in actuality there are some irrational beliefs around changing the habit, and that is what keeps me stuck. I think I had to go back and re-explain it at least 4 times during three separate sessions). If you think T is glossing over something you really need to talk about, bring the conversation back to that. It *is* your session, and you have every right to direct it any way you want.

[nottrustin]

I don't worry about my therapist to much in regards to this. It is something we discuss frequently because of my work. She tells me ways that she has learned to take care of herself so that it doesn't happen to her.

As far as your T goes it is hard to tell if that is what is going on. Unfortunately some in the medical field (especially mental health become hardened to things. Also, she is being honest with you about her feelings. Would you want her to lie.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think I would be more concerned that her empathy seemed forced than with her lack of reaction. If you are feeling she is not genuine but simply going through the motions, it can make therapy difficult. I would not want to sit with a T that said things just because she thought they would make me feel better. I wouldn't want a huge reaction to things, but I wouldn't want to feel she was bored... I'm not sure if that a the feeling you got from her, or just that she was disinterested or something? Sometimes T don;t realize we mean to focus on something. I know a few times I have had to explain to a T that I needed more time on something (most recently I tried to explain to T the fear behind changing an old habit. She didn't understand the extent and quality of the fear until I had explained it multiple times with her constantly checcking her understanding. She thought it was simply a difficult habit to break, when in actuality there are some irrational beliefs around changing the habit, and that is what keeps me stuck. I think I had to go back and re-explain it at least 4 times during three separate sessions). If you think T is glossing over something you really need to talk about, bring the conversation back to that. It *is* your session, and you have every right to direct it any way you want.

Well I don't think that she understood that the bullying was a major psychological trauma. It was a lot more than a few people being mean to me. It was a situation that went on for years, and I believed that I deserved what happened to me because my own belief system was used as a justification for the bullying.

But I also don't think that she understands, that I need her to really acknowledge when something is very hurtful, and I need her to do it in a really big way. My family never acknowledges anything (good or bad) they are perpetually indifferent, so I get really worried when I see my therapist not having a reaction. I feel like I'm suddenly not important to her, and I get very worried that she thinks I'm over reacting, or that what happened really shouldn't matter all that much.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Well I don't think that she understood that the bullying was a major psychological trauma. It was a lot more than a few people being mean to me. It was a situation that went on for years, and I believed that I deserved what happened to me because my own belief system was used as a justification for the bullying.

But I also don't think that she understands, that I need her to really acknowledge when something is very hurtful, and I need her to do it in a really big way. My family never acknowledges anything (good or bad) they are perpetually indifferent, so I get really worried when I see my therapist not having a reaction. I feel like I'm suddenly not important to her, and I get very worried that she thinks I'm over reacting, or that what happened really shouldn't matter all that much.

Can you tell her all of this, especially the piece about your family being pretty indifferent to your suffering? That's an important piece she may be missing. (I've been nown to say to my t: "no, I don;t think I'm expressing myself well. This was HUGE to me, and I need to talk about it" and then we go back and revisist what I can;t seem to explain well.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Does anyone ever worry about compassion fatigue with their T. https://compassionfatigue.ca/signs-a...arious-trauma/

One time at the beginning of my session my T started barging about how she would hear people say the most heinous thing to each other in the hall at her other job and not even care about it. This really bothered me. And then a few weeks ago I started tell her all about this horrible bullying I faced in college where some of my own personal and political beliefs were used to manipulate me emotionally, and she hardly reacted. It seemed like she was forcing herself to say empathetic things, and I didn't believe anything that she said. Then I told her about how I want her to have a more emotional response to some of the things that I tell her, and she just said that it would be inauthentic for her to have that response because those wouldn't be her true feelings. And she went on to say that she has heard so many horrible stories from other people that she really isn't going to have much of a response unless it is really awful. I left the session with this horrible feeling that I was in competition for her compassion, and that they only way to get it was to have something really, really, really bad happen to me. She also complains that she is exhausted a lot, and I know that she isn't eating right.

This is complicated. Have you noticed a pattern? Does she often share things with you about her other job or start the session with her own concerns? Has she always been not as emotionally expressive and distant when you shared painful things from your past? How long has she been your T?

From the post here and elsewhere, about your T, I get the sense that you care for her and want her to be your T but also want her to be competent and would rather she deal with issues she has, if they are interfering with her work. But depending on your investment in this relationship and also your options (seeing other therapists) and whether you a pattern of declining quality of care, you can decide how you want to proceed.

[Favorite Jeans]

This really helps me understand the concern behind your earlier thread about whether she was binge eating. I read that post and thought that your concern about her being unwell and the possibility of losing her was rooted in your abandonment issues. But this puts it in a different light for me. I see why you're worried about your T.

You shouldn't have to be competing with anyone for authentic empathy. That doesn't mean that talking about a bad day is on par with a memory of abuse but you go there to be listened to for whatever you need to say. You shouldn't feel like you need to work for empathy while in therapy. I also don't think your therapist should be saying all the time that she's exhausted. It's shouldn't be your problem.

I hope you can talk about this with her and I hope it provides the impetus she needs to step up her self care.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Can you tell her all of this, especially the piece about your family being pretty indifferent to your suffering? That's an important piece she may be missing. (I've been nown to say to my t: "no, I don;t think I'm expressing myself well. This was HUGE to me, and I need to talk about it" and then we go back and revisist what I can;t seem to explain well.

I have told her about my family being that way, and that's when she told me about her not having a strong reaction to much anymore, except when something is really horrendous.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Partless

This is complicated. Have you noticed a pattern? Does she often share things with you about her other job or start the session with her own concerns? Has she always been not as emotionally expressive and distant when you shared painful things from your past? How long has she been your T?

From the post here and elsewhere, about your T, I get the sense that you care for her and want her to be your T but also want her to be competent and would rather she deal with issues she has, if they are interfering with her work. But depending on your investment in this relationship and also your options (seeing other therapists) and whether you a pattern of declining quality of care, you can decide how you want to proceed.

Yes it is complicated. I had a thread a while back (before the binge eating one) about me picking up on some stuff that is going on with her. I talked to her about it and she hasn't said as much about what's up with her, but she still sometimes makes comments about it being a long and crazy day.

She also said something weird last time when I told her about how sensitive I am. She said that being sensitive makes people socially awkward??? I'm trying to be more accepting of my own sensitivity...I'm not sure that she understood.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

You shouldn't have to be competing with anyone for authentic empathy. That doesn't mean that talking about a bad day is on par with a memory of abuse but you go there to be listened to for whatever you need to say. You shouldn't feel like you need to work for empathy while in therapy. I also don't think your therapist should be saying all the time that she's exhausted. It's shouldn't be your problem.

I hope you can talk about this with her and I hope it provides the impetus she needs to step up her self care.

Thank you so much for this. I do plan to talk to her about this.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Also, she is being honest with you about her feelings. Would you want her to lie.

I don't want her to lie. But if she isn't able to be truly attentive to my feelings because she is so hardened I don't think that is fair to me.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Depletion

She also said something weird last time when I told her about how sensitive I am. She said that being sensitive makes people socially awkward??? I'm trying to be more accepting of my own sensitivity...I'm not sure that she understood.

People as in you, or as in her reacting to your sensitivity?

[Depletion]

As in you aren't going to get very far with that because people don't respond well to that (and that's kind of sad, but its the way it is/I learned a long time ago not to be that way).

[StressedMess]

Wow. I've never felt disconnected in session. I've felt invalidated and judged and belittled, but not like nothing I said got through. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

I have a very flat affect and don't show emotion except anger. I get told a lot that I'm cold and condescending but really I'm being genuine, not over-the-top and fake.

Is this normal for her or new?

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Wow. I've never felt disconnected in session. I've felt invalidated and judged and belittled, but not like nothing I said got through. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

I have a very flat affect and don't show emotion except anger. I get told a lot that I'm cold and condescending but really I'm being genuine, not over-the-top and fake.

Is this normal for her or new?

I can tell that she is a very sensitive person. But if you are sensitive you are likely to get hurt the worst so you might put up a pretty big wall. I feel like sometimes she wants to be tough. Her other job (which she's quitting) is at a residential school for teens. It was in the national news like 10 years ago for being too harsh. I think the place has softened since then. But I have always hated the fact that she goes there. And I didn't really know exactly where the other job was until I looked it up a few months ago. By then we had been seeing each other for like six months. Maybe things will get better once she has some time away form that place.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Depletion

As in you aren't going to get very far with that because people don't respond well to that (and that's kind of sad, but its the way it is/I learned a long time ago not to be that way).

Okay. I was entertaining the thought that your therapist being insensitive could be about her reacting to what she saw as your heightened sensitivity, like she saying: Look, people gonna react to you and your issues like I am doing right now, and you not gonna get exactly the kind of validation you want or expect, and that's life, that you have to learn to accept that.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Partless

Okay. I was entertaining the thought that your therapist being insensitive could be about her reacting to what she saw as your heightened sensitivity, like she saying: Look, people gonna react to you and your issues like I am doing right now, and you not gonna get exactly the kind of validation you want or expect, and that's life, that you have to learn to accept that.

No it wasn't like that, but I felt like she didn't want to be sensitive either, because she doesn't want to be socially awkward.

[Depletion]

So I have therapy in like five hours, any one have any suggestions for how to bring up this topic. I really hate the I really need to tell you something T appointments (and its about you).