Confronting abusive parents with a therapist

Yesterday in therapy I brought up the idea of confronting my parents about their abuse. My homework for next time is to write a letter explaining what they did that was hurtful and how it affected me. Then we will go from there to figure out what I want from them now and whether or not I want to actually confront them or not.

Any thoughts or experiences?

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That almost never goes the way you want it to. What are you hoping to gain by confronting them?

Yeah I've tried before on my own. They were all denial and crazy justification. But now that I'm 24 and 100% independent, I just want to be able to define our relationship on my own terms. We can be friends (a few days a year) but I'm not going to fake a normal loving relationship with them as they have been doing because I find it uncomfortable.

Mostly I just want them to know that I KNOW what happened was real and I am real and my feelings are real whether they agree or not.

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Just know they probably will react in the same way, by telling you that you are wrong and by shaming you. If you insist, they may even disown you. Are you ready for that?

Confronting.... Can lead to confrontation..... I've found just working on myself and the rest falls away.... If I was hoping for them to change or acknowledge, I would have still been handing them my power....

I had several really good discussions with my dad about the abuse growing up. I never considered them "confrontations." He told me several times how much he regretted how brutal they were with me growing up (and he used the word "brutal," I didn't). He told me that my mother had nightmares about it and woke up crying sometimes. Every time I have tried to talk to my mother about it, however, she would totally deny anything happened, and also, in the exact same conversation, tell me how it was all my fault. "Didn't happen, and anyway it was all your fault."

Having the discussion with my dad was a good experience and we built a really good relationship. Having the discussion with my mother continues to be an exercise in futility and frustration. So good things can happen, but are probably unlikely.

Oh boy.
Have your parents have shown some real willingness to grow and change and make efforts to apologize for past wrongs--as evidenced say, by becoming sober or doing therapy of their own and then reaching out to you with concern and humility?

If so, I would consider some sessions of family therapy with a separate therapist with the goal not being so much confrontation but openness and healing.

If not, I would really consider this a fantasy that you get to have in your therapeutic relationship but need to grieve that you will never have it in actuality with your parents. Think about how you wish you could express your hurt and anger and about the thoughtful, honest, humble, loving response you'd like to get. Write out what you wish they could say. Talk about it. Cry about it. But don't act on it. It's likely to lead to further abuse and heartbreak.

I actually went through with it. About a very specific incident. The biggest problem I had is that they claimed not to remember their reactions to the specific incident. But, I did confront them about 15 years after the fact. I was also a little disappointed that my T wasn't more supportive.

I am glad I did it. If I could live my life over again, I'd still do it. It was empowering.

I was in my late 20's when I did my confrontation, which consisted of separate letters to my father and mother. I received back an unapologetic acknowledgment about the abuse as well as a denial that it happened. Although I'd considered the possibility that I'd receive one or the other, I hadn't thought about receiving both at the same time, from people who were still married. It was a little trippy.

But my family's response was to freeze me out, a complete lack of communication, for 10 years. And that was probably the best gift, looking back, that I could have received. Their absence allowed me to literally stand on my two feet and become the person I was meant to be. I did so much growth then, and finished my first round of therapy, found a career that I loved, married, and had a family.

Eventually my family initiated contact and then there were apologies. Most of all, the relationships I have with them now are -- while not terribly close-- are supportive. They are also based on the present, and not stuck in history or resentment. That is what confrontation bought me-- my own life and the freedom to become myself, and then a family without the BS.

I think, for me, the important thing was that when I decided to engage in confrontation, I thought and wrote for months and months about it. For me, it was more important for me to say the truth, what I needed to say, and less important for me what they said back, or what they did.

Thank you for replying! This is exactly what I am looking for. I don't really care how they react or if they choose to stay in my life after. I'm just tired of the BS and I want to get get all of my negative feelings off my chest.

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I never got the guts to confront my abusive mother and i really wish i would have. She is dead and i am still angry and hurt after all this time. Knowing that i will never get to tell her bugs me almost every day!!!!!

I'm glad my experience could be helpful to you. I'd also encourage you to take your time with it-- to not feel that you have to rush into it.

But I do agree that if what you want out of this confrontation is just to be able to say your piece, speak your truth, then I say right on because there really isn't enough of that in the world.

Good on you QuietCalamity, we all have to do what we need to move forward....and that is the untimate objective. I took back my life by 'total unacknowledgment' of what my abusers did to me. Thought about a letter or 'victim impact statement'.....but turning my back and walking toward a life where they didn't exist was immensely healing for me....they are such scum, that they don't even deserve my wrath.

As you said, such a letter would be only for your own peace of mind, not an invitation for them to comment or attempt apologies........How it makes you feel is all that matters.