[Flip419]

Right now, if a woman told me she really liked me, I would be very flattered and it would make me feel good.

I wonder if it is the same for T's....

[JustShakey]

Hi Flip I really like you!!
I'm in a goofy mood this morning

Seriously though, I think it's the same for anyone, Ts included. This is one of the areas where training and self-control is super important.

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[HazelGirl]

Maybe a tiny bit because then things are going right in therapy. But probably not beyond a sense of professional success.

[Soccer mom]

My brother is a clinical psychologist and he said "you know that transference means the therapy is working". I asked my T. why she never told me that and her response was "I doubt your brother tells his patients either". So, as much as we HATE it, it does mean that therapy is working. Just hold on for the ride!

[JustShakey]

If transference means the therapy is working, why are there so many Ts who run away from it?? I know, I know... Rhetorical question

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[SnakeCharmer]

Transference is neurotic and a lot of transference is negative. Erotic transference could be a real problem. And even positive transference, say positive maternal transference, could be a real pain in the neck because it's not based on the real relationship between the T and patient, but on the patient's often irrational needs and demands on T.

So transference is probably not the greatest joy in the world. Having patients act out their neurotic childhood emotions is a normal stage of therapy, but I can't see it as an ego boost, seeing that so much of it results in anger and resentment or idealization and demands that the T act in the idealized way.

But it's possible to like a T, just because they're a pleasant or nice or smart or interesting person without it being transference. It's also possible to feel gratitude toward them for helping us, especially if they go an extra mile for us, without it being transference.

Genuine, sincere, un-neurotic, realistic feelings expressed appropriately toward a T probably gives an ego boost or at least are important in making the job feel worth doing every day.

But transference ... acting out your neurotic childhood feelings and demands on T so it can be revealed and understood and resolved... that probably feels like hard work and often a complete pain in the neck if the transference goes overboard or in a particularly destructive, hostile, idealized or erotic direction.

That's a really good question shakey and I would be interested in knowing the answer but would one answer suit all.
I guess some ts are afraid of the relationship or have a counter transference reaction and let their past influence their ability to relate to others.

[stopdog]

I believe they want to be loved and adored. So do most people. I doubt I have ever had positive transference to a therapist. The one I see now has complained that I do not love her like her other clients do, that I don't make her feel good about her job, that I am not kind enough to her and that I don't praise her efforts enough. So yes, I believe they like positive transference very much and the subsequent boost to their self esteem.

Stop dog it sounds as though your t is using her clients to fulfill her needs to be loved. I would not love her either if I knew she needed it that much

Originally Posted by stopdog

I believe they want to be loved and adored. So do most people. I doubt I have ever had positive transference to a therapist. The one I see now has complained that I do not love her like her other clients do, that I don't make her feel good about her job, that I am not kind enough to her and that I don't praise her efforts enough. So yes, I believe they like positive transference very much and the subsequent boost to their self esteem.

I love your T - she is so honest!

[NowhereUSA]

I don't really have transference so I can't speak to that. I do care about my t because we've been in a therapeutic relationship for almost six years and we have personalities that "click" (it isn't one side on that end, he's told me this). Do I think that gives him a good feeling? Sure. I've never told him I think he's hot (haha, it's not love, he just fits the bill for the kind of man that gets me hot and bothered so sometimes if he dresses nicely I might feel a little tingly LOL). I think he would be flattered and would promptly redirect me. He's hitting a big birthday in the next few months so he might be a little more susceptible if a woman told him he was hot though I don't think he'd let on. He's a good t LOL.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I believe they want to be loved and adored. So do most people. I doubt I have ever had positive transference to a therapist. The one I see now has complained that I do not love her like her other clients do, that I don't make her feel good about her job, that I am not kind enough to her and that I don't praise her efforts enough. So yes, I believe they like positive transference very much and the subsequent boost to their self esteem.

I think that's such an odd thing for a T to say. I don't think that's about transference, I think it's about a shaky self esteem and being emotionally needy. Transference is often not positive and T's deal with a lot of angry clients.

Transference isn't just mills and boom.... It's negative too.... Why would a T need a client to boost anything....

[MrPink182]

Well after telling my T, I felt like I caught a few smiles out of her as she was talking. Or maybe I am just crazy lol

[lone_77]

I would actually hope she'd be flattered and would like me more. But that's the transference talking, so I'm not sure lol.

[MrPink182]

haha I feel the same way lone. I'm sure my T is now flattered, but she is probably holding up a little guard just in case it gets out of hand....which it won't.

Good question, one I think there's no one answer to, and one that not all Ts would probably answer truthfully...

Although I imagine it being an ego boost immediately after admitting transference, and then that's when a T needs to be able to level out. We're all human, so I wouldn't mind if a T feels good for a couple seconds, especially considering in a purely professional way it opens a new door for therapy. And, as people have said, the actual acting out of transference can get ugly, so after that first few seconds, it'd better be all business.

That's just what I see as fair, though.

[Petra5ed]

I would think so and I hope so. I think they are human so love them or hate them they'll have some feeling about it. I bet it's not as much as in normal life though, since they're simultaneously analyzing why you feel the way you do.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

*snipped*

But it's possible to like a T, just because they're a pleasant or nice or smart or interesting person without it being transference. It's also possible to feel gratitude toward them for helping us, especially if they go an extra mile for us, without it being transference.

Genuine, sincere, un-neurotic, realistic feelings expressed appropriately toward a T probably gives an ego boost or at least are important in making the job feel worth doing every day.

But transference ... acting out your neurotic childhood feelings and demands on T so it can be revealed and understood and resolved... that probably feels like hard work and often a complete pain in the neck if the transference goes overboard or in a particularly destructive, hostile, idealized or erotic direction.

I totally agree with this.

I think it gets very complicated when both exist at once, and you have to tease them apart and see which is mostly transferency stuff and which is the more authentic relationship in the present. And I see them probably as being on a scale rather than as two completely separate things, because I think there's a degree of transference in all our relationships, not just therapy. There's a tipping point, as I see it, where it becomes less about the authentic here and now and more about transference, but the past is always present in a way.

My T said he was flattered the first time I brought up having feelings for him.

I wouldn't say most, but I think some do get an ego boost. But don't let that deter you (you meaning anyone interested or worried about a therapist's reaction) from it's usefulness in psychotherapy.

Having an idealized transference is the same thing as falling in love (distinguished from mature love), only it is intensified because of the therapy set up which allows it to be examined. So yes, I think some therapists might be flattered by a client falling in love with them. This is why I only work with therapists who have done their own intensive therapy. That doesn't make some immune to being flattered or wanting to be wanted, etc., in entirety, but it does minimize those opportunities.

The idealizing transference is part of the work, and is often desirable because as pointed out before, it is a component of therapeutic engagement (aka the therapy working). Glen Gabbard and many others have written extensively on this subject. It is meant to be worked through; that way, it will run through it's natural course with all of its gains and then other issues can be subsequently attended to. Dr. Gabbard has written about the challenges of treating clients with an idealizing transference, including therapists who unconsciously or maybe even consciously encourage the client to remain in this state of mind, which enables the therapist to get their own needs met at the expense of therapeutic work that needs done.

I've had a strong idealizing transference with my current therapist and my former therapist. Both said my attachment to them was a positive thing. It's part of the work of depth therapy; it's rich content to explore and work through.

There are entire books written on transference; entire books written on countertransference; entire books written on transference of certain types of clients, etc., so it's something that is very complex, significant, and meaningful. For those receptive to these concepts, a lot can be gained from working through clients' idealizing transferences if the therapist is trained in this area and manages this type of transference competently.

[Ford Puma]

Love, everybody loves love.
Care and consideration. Everyone likes affection like that.
Been told your nice and some one says they like you a lot... part of our primal makeup to like that.
Pursuing love and affection... in one form or another, part of life I think.
Problem been, when barriers hinder all this. Outside therapy and inside therapy.
Maybe that is part of why I am in therapy.

[MASIMO]

My T has said he was flattered by my affections. Although, we rarely discussed my feelings. He at first seemed very uncomfortable, asked if he did something to create the transference, like it was a negative thing. Seemed nervous, told me he had never had a patient fall in love with him. After 35 years in practice, I found that hard to believe.
Was he just saying that and what would be the motivationf or doing so?

I wanted to talk about my feelings, but never felt like he encouraged it. I think he was afraid he would encourage the transference. Or was he afraid of countertransference. But if it means the therapy is working, why would he reject it? At least I would think he would want me to work through it with hiim. He has always avoided it. When he told me he was retiring in 6 months, I had to almost twist his arm to get him to talk about it. Something I needed to do before things ended. It was like I was pulling teeth with him. I hinted around, was outright blatent. And when we finally did, his response was that he was glad he was able to provide support to me and that we had the trusting relationship we did. Huh? Still dancing around my feelings, driving me nuts. He said I was so attached to him it was a little scary, that he wished I had more self empowerment and a broader support system. And that he was afraid he spoiled me. Althought he admitted we had an intimate
but professional relationship within the confines of therapy, he knew outside of therapy, I had fallen deeply love with him.

Now he is in retirement, traveling the world. I await for his return, and foolishly think there will be something left for me.

I do think that many get an ego boost. Some even see it when it's not there. The last therapist I saw told me a few times that she was not perfect. I was like...Uh, yeah. I kinda noticed. It seemed that she thought I idealized her, but there wasn't an ounce of me that felt that way, so I felt a little bad for her that she went around assuming something like that.

[Freewilled]

Probably a little. Mine told me at one point with a smile on his face that he thought I was mad because of how important therapy had become for me...at the time I responded like

I still feel