[NowhereUSA]

I have recurrent and severe MDD. I also apparently suffer from super-bad PPD that lasts forever.

It was around this time (and my first son was about six months older than my littlest one is right now) six years ago that I was heavily persuaded to go inpatient. It was a nightmare. I never ever ever want to go back.

My T has been awesome. He never mentions the hospital and it's literally his last ditch resort - as in, he doesn't think he can trust me and he's got his butt to cover. He's come close exactly once but he managed to talk me down to a point he felt I was safe (and yes, he would have been entirely right had it happened because I was ready to go with my plan).

The problem is I keep cycling through these dark horrible times and I can't get better. Meds, therapy, nothing works. I'm exhausted and I've turned back to some unhealthy habits because I'm desperate and too tired to use my skills.

I emailed him tonight (it's his work email so he won't get it until tomorrow). I made sure to promise every way from Sunday that he'd see me next session after I emotionally vomited. I have never not trusted myself and for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I don't trust myself but I'm not about to go inpatient. We can't afford it (it's cheaper for me to go through with than it is to end up hospitalized - that's really the only reason I haven't gone through with anything yet).

I'm in a dark place and I really want him to help me except I know he can't. I've talked to my H and he can't help me either.

No, I'm fine, I'm not going to do anything to myself tonight. I told him I was going to be there next session and I will be there so this isn't a "RUN TO THE HOSPITAL NOW" type post.

It's more of a - please T, don't freak out on me type post I'm in that place where people freak out. I really don't think I could cope with that.

[HazelGirl]

Have you considered ECT?

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now.
Is the savings on not going inpatient worth the emotional toll on everyone, yourself included? Would a more specialized treatment program be more helpful? I went through a period of a year and a half pretty much jumping from psych unit to psych unit. EVERYONE had given up on me but my T. She helped me advocate to get to a specialized trauma treatment center, and that made all the difference. Would going to a specialized center help? It may be a bit more expensive, but it may also make a huge difference to go to a psych hospital, not just a psych unit, and address what you need to address in a safe place, it may help...
I would hate to see you tank when there's still hope... And I hope T can help you get the help you need.

[NowhereUSA]

I haven't tried ECT. It's not that I'm opposed to it - it all comes down to money. And time. And willpower. I'm kind of in a place right now where just thinking about trying one more thing makes me want to breakdown like a baby and sob uncontrollably.

It took us five years to dig ourselves out of the last hole my hospitalization put us in. I remember the guilt, the shame, most of which I still feel. I can't go through that again. Granted, if things get to a point, it may not be my choice.

I hadn't heard of a specialized unit - I don't know that we have any around here. I don't even know what they would call it.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

... I have never not trusted myself and for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I don't trust myself but I'm not about to go inpatient. ...I'm in a dark place and I really want him to help me except I know he can't. I've talked to my H and he can't help me either.

(((NowhereUSA)))

I'm sorry that you're going through this... that you've BEEN going through this for so long. I wish I had an easy answer (or any answer) - I really, truly do.

Are you sure you're safe for tonight? I'm not freaking out, but what you said above worried me a bit... can you just focus, for now, on how to get through tonight, and maybe if possible how to make it as "less painful" as possible?

I know it's probably cliche and stupid and not nearly enough, but is there anything you and H can do that you might find even a tiny bit comforting? Favorites movies or tv shows to watch? Hot chocolate? Anything? Maybe H has some ideas (when I'm depressed, it can be hard to think about things that might feel "less awful" - my brain just doesn't generate those ideas as well.)

Please take care of yourself, and try not to think about the bigger picture of how you're going to resolve all this. Think about tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow you can talk to your T, and he'll be able to help you figure out how to get through tomorrow. One day at a time... that's plenty.

*take care*

[NowhereUSA]

I am okay for tonight. We are watching tv and I'm going to hopefully go to bed early. I have so much on my plate for the next few days which may be a blessing in disguise.

As twisted as it is - my SI has pushed me through some of it

[guilloche]

Thanks NowhereUSA - that's a relief. Yeah, keeping busy can feel rotten at times, but can be a huge help in just getting through the days. And, I totally get the SI getting you through, really, I do...

*hugs*

[NowhereUSA]

Thanks. I appreciate the support. I wish I knew how to fix my brain. These darker periods always get more and more bleak and each time I think, "No, this is it, this is the worst it can possibly get..." and then it gets worse. I understand why older people kill themselves. One day, they just get tired of dealing with it.

It's an internal struggle that doesn't seem to be resolvable. I ask my T all the time if I'm doing something wrong and I know it really bothers him how bad my depression gets - he's told me flat out that I'm one of his hardest working clients, that I do everything asked of me and I don't get better. I think he's had to work through some stuff because of me (or so I suspect, he's never said anything to me directly).

[ThisWayOut]

your T should be able to help you find a specialized unit. I had to go to DC from New England, but it helped SO much... I know you had said that part of it all was a traumatic birth. I think McLean in Boston has a unit that deals with that kind of trauma. There's also 2 hospitals in DC that I know of that deal with various traumas. There are a bunch of others around the US, but I don't know them off the top of my head. Specialized treatment centers are helpful in that they tend to offeractual therapy and intensive treatment that is more than just med adjustments and containment. They really are worth it if you can make it work out.

I'm glad you are ok for the night.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Thanks. I appreciate the support. I wish I knew how to fix my brain. These darker periods always get more and more bleak and each time I think, "No, this is it, this is the worst it can possibly get..." and then it gets worse. I understand why older people kill themselves. One day, they just get tired of dealing with it.

I can relate to this well...

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

It's an internal struggle that doesn't seem to be resolvable. I ask my T all the time if I'm doing something wrong and I know it really bothers him how bad my depression gets - he's told me flat out that I'm one of his hardest working clients, that I do everything asked of me and I don't get better. I think he's had to work through some stuff because of me (or so I suspect, he's never said anything to me directly).

[NowhereUSA]

I'll talk to him about it. Although $$ is still a factor (I'm in the upper Midwest). He's tried to push me to talk to my parents because my parents are well off (a few thousand dollars for them every now and again really isn't a big deal where as a few thousand can totally change the balance of my budget). The problem is I have a lot of triggers there because my parents literally ignored my depression growing up. They were confronted three different times with my suicidal issues and they just figured I'd "grow out of it" When I was hospitalized five years ago, I told my H not to call them - no one could believe they wouldn't drop everything and come because they are really awesome in all the other ways parents should be awesome (idk what the hell is their problem here).

So they told my parents and guess what happened? They were too busy. They had work. Blah blah blah (and yes they could have taken the time, this was not the issue). I just wasn't important enough.

They've thrown money my direction before, but I've never asked them for a significant sum or anything and for sure not with regards to my mental health. I'd like to think that if they knew I was on the verge of doing something permanent and drastic they'd step up and take care of me, but then they didn't know why I was hospitalized the first time so why would they suddenly be any different?

Well. Ugh. I shouldn't have thought about my parents. Triggers all sorts of sad feels. I'm going to get some sleep and hope that the next few days keep me preoccupied.

I kinda want my t to contact me. And I kinda don't. I left it open ended in the email (he likely won't unless I specifically ask). I don't know what he would say that would be at all useful :P

[ThisWayOut]

sorry, didn't mean to bring up a sore subject...

[NowhereUSA]

Oh! No it wasn't you. Not at all. It was me thinking about my T and what he would suggest and I know what he would suggest. Don't apologize, you didn't do anything at all.

[msxyz]

I think your husband could ask your parents for you. I think pride shouldn't be in the way when it's a matter of life and death.

And if not maybe send a letter to make it easier, maybe your therapist could add a note that you're in a serious condition and need inpatient treatment?

If you do manage to get the money together for a hospitalization maybe your therapist can help you find one with a better reputation?

[NowhereUSA]

It's less pride and more fear of rejection. The last time I gave them the opportunity to step into my life with regards to my depression (not in any financial way), they took their stance of pretending it wasn't a big deal. It was incredibly invalidating and painful.

I really would rather do anything except end up back in the hospital. The problem is, I'm not really worried about trying to survive this. I have moments where I think I'm afraid, but there's a level of inevitability in it for me. You don't live 20 years with this kind of depression and not come to an uneasy truce with the demons in your head.

Er.

That sounded darker than I meant. GOOD MORNING. Oh look. It's cold and dreary

[JustShakey]

Nowhere, could you ask your parents for some money without telling them exactly what it's for? I know mine aren't the greatest for emotional support but they will give me money if I ask. When I start feeling guilty about it I just remind myself of all the intangible things they were not able to give me...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[guilloche]

Good morning, NowhereUSA!

I hope the next few days are tolerable, and that all the things you have to get done end up being good distractions.

I saw where you posted the comments from your therapist (about how hard you work) - that's fabulous. I can imagine it's not a huge comfort in moments like this, but it IS something to be proud of.

That actually got me thinking... and feel free to ignore this if it's not up your alley... but you've done so much work, but still struggle (and it sounds like it's getting worse when you do relapse). One thing that has been helpful for me is a change in diet...

I switched to a more "paleo" style diet a few years back (it's been gradual, I was a vegetarian for 20 years before, so adding in meat was a slow process for me). And, I think it's made a huge difference. It certainly didn't fix everything, but I feel like I have more of a "floor" under me, I don't fall as far into being miserable and depressed, and I just feel a little clearer and more stable.

(It was the diet plus fixing my sleep, together, that helped).

It was (is) alot of work, I still feel pretty rotten when I get too far off track (for me, that means too much sugar), and whenever I eat too much sugar and have to stop... the withdrawal is awful (usually spend at least a day in bed, depressed and with no energy). But, when I stick with it (even allowing myself one "cheat day" for treats during the week), I feel alot better.

I'm still in therapy, so like I said, it definitely doesn't fix *everything* but might be something to think about. If you want to know more, or want some links at some point, feel free to ping me here.

OK - hope that wasn't too pushy or crazy! Your post just got me thinking about it, since you've done SO much of the psych work already, but are still suffering, that maybe the nutrition/physical part might help?

Good luck... I hope things start turning around soon for you....

[NowhereUSA]

I would like my husband to talk to them and honestly it may come to that. They are good at throwing money at things. When I was hospitalized last time and they made all their excuses as to why they could fly their butts up here to help my husband with our small child, they offered to fly my best friend up. I made she picked the most convenient ticket for her and milked my parents for that one (screw cheap tickets if you're not coming up).

I'm throwing a bit of a tantrum, I'll be honest. I'm tired. I don't want to do more. I don't want to try. I just want to melt into a puddle and be completely done. In the end, other people may end up making decisions for me.

As for the diet, while I haven't tried paleo, I've done all sorts of nutrition stuff over the years. I'm actually pretty healthy and eat rather well. I know eating well is important for mental health although all it does is keep me at 100 rather than 110. *sigh*

[The_little_didgee]

Have you ever had your thyroid checked?

[NowhereUSA]

I have. I am on thyroid meds and I get my numbers checked every few months.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

It's less pride and more fear of rejection. The last time I gave them the opportunity to step into my life with regards to my depression (not in any financial way), they took their stance of pretending it wasn't a big deal. It was incredibly invalidating and painful.

I really would rather do anything except end up back in the hospital. The problem is, I'm not really worried about trying to survive this. I have moments where I think I'm afraid, but there's a level of inevitability in it for me. You don't live 20 years with this kind of depression and not come to an uneasy truce with the demons in your head.

Er.

That sounded darker than I meant. GOOD MORNING. Oh look. It's cold and dreary

Wow, I can relate with you on a number of levels. The MDD. The parent with money that denies I'm depressed... The current feel like I should be hospitalized (although I'm doing better this morning, since I have a session coming up.)

Not sure I have any good advice other than do what your gut tells you. I've never asked my dad for money, he scares me... but if I could I would. I don't know what he would do honestly.

[guilloche]

Glad to hear that you have the diet part under control... and sorry it's not making a bigger difference for you.

It sounds incredibly frustrating - it does sound like you've tried so many things, and are working so hard to do things right. I wish there was something I could offer to make it easier!