I told him I didn't want to talk about it.....

Today's session was bad.

My therapist wanted to talk about why I am worried about NY eve, he knows it is the anniversary of one of the times I was raped. I struggle with it so badly, and this year he will be away for a whole month, so won't be around for support. He wanted to talk about what is worrying me around him being away and how it affects me.

I told him no. NO. He pushed a little, gently, and explained I need to talk about the emotions a little at a time, as often as I need, that it's the way to healing. I told him that I didn't want to feel those emotions now, knowing that he will be on leave from next week also and it'll be 3 weeks before I see him. I don't need that sort of stress on top of final exams etc at university over the next couple of weeks.

But he drew me back there somehow........AND BAM!

I was gone, terrified, feeling like I was back there. I know I was crying and he said, when he got me grounded somewhat, that it looked terrifying for me. He tried to get me to talk as part of grounding me but I was gagging and could not speak. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't.

I eventually came back and calmed a little to find he was asking me how many different birds I could hear outside the window. I was so confused, I demanded(aggressively) what he was asking me about bloody birds for!

Oh dear, it was bad, I told him no, and it happened anyway. I left all in a fog, not really sure what the heck was going on and what he had said about being away next week or not. I was completely confused. I called from the car on the way home to talk to him I was so freaked out, sort of still back in my feelings, not really clear what was happening. He called back much later.....

And now, I'm all triggered to hell and back, and my therapist is probably away and it might be 3 weeks before I see him next. Why the HECK did he allow me to go there?

Sorry that was long, please bear with me while my therapist is away, not sure how things are going to go.

Oh Jane, I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain. Sounds really scary. Hope you're feeling a bit more grounded now. Sometimes, if I have been a bit spacey, I go for a long walk and touch the trees, feel the bark, touch the leaves...it helps a bit.
Big big hugs and love. I know this is so scary, but if your t is right then each bit of fear you experience is a bit less that you're holding inside....
Red xxx

Thanks Red. I would like to go for a walk in nature...it is something that I connect with. But it's night time here now, and earlier I was not in a space to do that.

I'm suddenly crying on and off, and feel my chest tightening from fear. Blurgh. My son is away at friends tonight, so feel very alone.

Is it right that I also feel really angry at my therapist?

I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with you that he shouldn't have done that knowing he wouldn't be able to truly follow up for weeks. He's made a mistake and unfortunately you are paying for that. I know we never talked much but if you need to talk at all message me here and I can also give you my private email if need be.

Yes, you have a right to feel angry with your T. My T always says that feelings are not right or wrong, they just are, and you have every right to feel any way you feel. It's just what you do with those feelings that count and making healthy choices in those times when feelings get overwhelming. But that accepting ones feelings is a step towards progress.

Yes, it's right and it's fine. Sounds like he misjudged it, and maybe didn't realise the intensity of the trauma. Also, maybe the anger is directed at him, but it might also be an emotion of the trauma coming through so it's good to recognise that. And the crying is good too, because hopefully some of that emotion has been released and you're processing it. So well done you! You're doing great! I'm sorry you're alone, remember that you are safe in your own home, no one is going to hurt you. You are a grown up now, and you are in control.
Maybe have a nice cup of tea? In the uk, if you'd just had your leg chopped off, house fall down etc, the first thing anyone would do is offer you a nice cup of tea.

Also he should have respected your boundaries, I understand that gentle pushing okay (Although in that situation of him being away it wasn't but normally...) but when someone says no, I feel he should respect that. Sometimes it's a tricky thing for T's to know when you need to challenge someone to make progress and when no should mean no, don't go there.

Thank you both.

I don't think it is entirely my therapists fault. Somehow we got back to feelings, I remember feeling scared and telling him that I was deep inside scared. And then I was suddenly in that memory. I think I surprised him too.

I wanted to speak, to ask my therapist for help, to get me out of that memory, but I was stuck. I couldn't talk. Now I know why. I was reliving the fact that I couldn't call for help, he had his hand over my mouth. He threatened to call out to his friend who wasn't far away to come and 'join in'.......I was too terrified to say anything then........so I couldn't today.

This is too hard, and I really didn't want it to come up now.

I just remembered(my memory gets so hazy when this sort of thing happens, is that strange?) looking up when I was a bit calmer at the end and my therapist was rubbing his face and pinching his nose, he looked like he was thinking......oh ****!.....this is not good timing. I'm not entirely sure what he was thinking..........