[Partless]

Sorry if this question has been asked a gazillion times. I wasn't sure if I could revive old threads.

In any case, my last therapist told me to work on it and I kind of never did. I used to have a safe place and it was always at home with mom and dad but after some of the abuse stuff (nothing big, just minor emotional and psychological abuse, only problem that it was ongoing), and now I can't use family stuff as my safe place. I struggle with it.

But now whenever I try to make a safe place, some stupid ****ing thing intrudes into it. Like I try to imagine petting a little kitten and suddenly the kitten dies. Or I get an illness from the kitten. You see from I'm going with this? If I'm at the beach, in my imagination, then as you can imagine, a hundred things can go wrong.

Today after talked to my mom, who is sick, I felt anxious and tried to go to a safe place and I couldn't. Even imagining myself in a warm room sleeping on a soft mattress in a nice weather and...then I worry the roof could fall down on me! It's so dumb, isn't it? I knew the chance of that was like 0.000000000000001% but still....

It frustrates me that bad things are so much more powerful than good things. Because of the abuse stuff, now even times when I felt loved (and was loved) seems meaningless. It's like one bad apples, it ruins everything. Why do we have to always protect good things, like love or safety or joy, from negative forces all around us? Anyhow....

So if you feel like it, you can share your safe place, or if it's a picture or memory. And two, if you can tell me how to create one. My T had said it can be new or actual memory but I'm struggling with both today. Thank you very much.

[stopdog]

I am always safer alone. I have a lot of friends - some I have had for over 35 years and a partner - but if I want to feel safe - I am at my home alone.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Partless

It frustrates me that bad things are so much more powerful than good things. Because of the abuse stuff, now even times when I felt loved (and was loved) seems meaningless. It's like one bad apples, it ruins everything. Why do we have to always protect good things, like love or safety or joy, from negative forces all around us? Anyhow....

I think it takes some time to make sense of the juxtaposition between good and bad things, positive and negative parts of people. People who are abusive can have incredible good parts to who they are, or some parts of the relationship (besides the abuse) can meet your needs. Likewise, things can be bad without ruining the good parts. The world and the people in it are complex and nuanced.

My safe place is always somewhere I have been-- like the snorkeling spot off the coast of Puerto Rico, the swimming beach in Kauai, the cliffs over the Pacific in No. California. These are all places I've been, so I imagine myself snorkeling with the fishes, swimming in the ocean, or walking along the bluffs. Since I was there and nothing bad happened when I was, my safe spot is essentially reliving in my imagination something from my past.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think that there are some types of anxiety for which visualizing a safe space doesn't work. I've had exactly the problem you're describing. I'm peacefully floating in the water and then there's a shark, a powerful undertow, a speeding motorboat...

I need more than one trick up my sleeve for relaxation. In an agitated state where my mind goes to sharks and stuff, it's much better to go for a walk or read a book or something and just stay away from visualizations. It might be more helpful to save visualization for when you're already calm or just mildly hyper but not truly anxious.

[Abe Froman]

Literally and physically?

The guy heading up my group asked me after the first night if I had a safe place(I had shared my sui thoughts and attempts). I told him I go to my buddy's place and fall asleep on the sofa if I need to be safe. And my buddy sits up all night drinking, playing video games, and watching movies on the other sofa. And this is what I said to the T, "So I have a drunk guardian angel watching over me all night." And that's weird, but true.

[ThisWayOut]

I tend to have trouble with visualizations most of the time, so the safe place concept is hard for me. Lately is been with a t I trust, in her office. But that's an actual physical place where I feel safe, not something I can much use when not in session.
One time I was able to picture t in my room with me, that helped me sleep that one night, but it was Also kinda weird (though we talked about it after and she was ok with it). Sometimes I can feel safer with my critters around. Other times is out in nature, but it's rarely an imagery thing for me because I just can't summon the safe feeling with the images...

[musinglizzy]

I spent the summer creating my "safe place." My T is really big into meditation, and has been trying to get me to do it. I find it hard to shut out the world and do just that. I sleep in my office in the basement, on a futon (which I've made to be quite comfortable, might I add.) But it's too busy. Pictures everywhere, knick knacks, just a very busy, uncalming place. Next door is a spare bedroom that's not being used unless my dad and siblings come to visit. I decided I was going to take over that room. I'm not a green person at all, but for some reason, that's the only color I could think of...and I had a certain shade in mind (kind of an olive green). We also had a beautiful bronze brass bed given to us that I knew would look excellent in there. This was going to be my safe place, and probably my bedroom too. So I got painting. Then I decided I wanted a "cave-like" feel to it, so I painted the ceiling the same color. It is now finished, bed set up, things hung on the wall, and I love it. It's my sanctuary. And, as I suspected, there are a couple of people who didn't agree with my painting the ceiling the same color, but it gave me the exact.... ambience....I was looking for. It can be dark and cave-like, or I can open the curtains for some light. I would like to put a chair in there yet (for reading), and I have two matching antique dressers in bad shape that I would like to refinish. Once done, they will look amazing in there! So, I've created my room. It's quiet, not busy, and calming, and it's my own safe zone. My other safe place is on a horse, or out in nature..... or by the side of one of a few close friends.

My T's office is where I feel physically safe. And being alone somewhere where nobody knows who I am - going for meals alone in foreign cities is one of life's greatest pleasures. Or being alone at home. I don't have a visual imagination so if I want to feel safe by imagining myself somewhere safe, I prefer to imagine being in places I recognise well, without too many details.

[RedSun]

Mine is a place half known, half created in beautiful countryside near where we live.
I have had intrusions too and it's been difficult...
There's a great book called 'mindful compassion' by Paul Gilbert and some other Buddhist guy, it talks in depth about creating this space, using imagery, managing intrusions. I'd really recommend it to anyone, it's easy to read and has some profound teachings.

[AncientMelody]

Being in nature makes me feel safe. Breathing in the breeze off of the lake, talking a walk in a wooded area, even stretched out under a tree in my yard. Some of my best childhood memories were outside playing with my sister growing up, and my most peaceful moments as an adult came when I lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, I lived right on the border of state park land.

[ombrétwilight]

I had a spot in school I would sit at night when I felt stressed, which was almost every night for a good period of time. I tend to stay back late to study but when it gets dark my mood plummets accordingly, such that I was apprehensive of and dreaded the dark. This safe place I have is at the top of the bleachers (it's a little hard to describe exactly) and there's usually a cool breeze blowing in, though we have a bunch of planes flying above at regular intervals so it isn't that quiet. I like to sit here invisible to passers-by and calm my thoughts. My other (and favourite) safe space used to be in T's office, but that's gone now.

I'm not sure whether you meant a literal or metaphorical safe space so I'll just assume the latter. It's good to have a very powerful and unvitiated memory you can draw on that makes you feel happy and at peace. Thanks for asking this btw because it reminded me of a text my T sent me a while back advising me on the same thing. I don't know if it'll work but it might help to picture yourself in the safe space with a safe someone who acts like an anchor. Also, remember to focus on your breathing!

[stopdog]

I sometimes find thinking of my one dog to be useful.

[Partless]

Anne, damn, every place you mention sounds so beautiful, it almost relaxes me even though I've never snorkeled and generally don't like swimming, lol. But they sound exotic, exciting, beautiful. You sound like an adventurous well traveled person.

Favorite Jeans, I think you're right on the money, we need more than one trick up our sleeve. I think key is to be aware what works and when. At times I've tried to force visualization and that's the worst thing, it's like ruining your safe place yourself!

Abe, that made me chuckle, a drunk guardian angel, hah. But isn't that true though? Like our real safe places often have a psychological side to them, like it's not necessarily inside heavy padded concrete walls with guard dogs and security personnel outside. One of my friends told me his safe place is in the basement, in the cramped space next to the water heater. At first I thought that was odd but as he started to describe it more and more, I almost came to wish I could join him there.

Thiswayout, me too, it's tough. Btw, I don't often hear people use the term "critters", I like it.

musinglizzy, I love it! You know how when some people describe making a certain food and you start salivating? (well, at least I do, I love food, lol). Well, the way you were describing how you changed the room, I found myself feeling this sense of growing peace, as I was watching you paint in that olive green, decorate it, and make that room your own, your cave, your sanctuary, your safe place.

Mastodon, I wonder if part of what is good in those situations, in foreign places, is not feeling so self-conscious or getting triggered by people who have hurt the person before. That there you can be yourself and it's okay. It's just fine. You're just like everybody else. It's almost like a new start. At least that's how I imagine it.

Red, yeah intrusions suck; but countryside, makes me think of open spaces, horses, time that passes more slowly, distance from stresses of the city and overcrowding, makes me think of nature, good clean air, basic to basics. Thanks for the book recommendation too!

AncientMelody, yeah me too, my best memories are from playing outside. Well, the other ones were from my family but because of the abuse things, for now I'm taking a break from them. But playing outside in the nature, there was this sense of unlimited possibilities, this sense of really being alive, being in the moment. Inside my cramped apartment and behind the computer seven days a week, rarely leaving home, afraid of everything, sometimes I forget I'm alive or what it means to be alive.

Stopdog, yeah I think animals are a common theme for what gives a lot of people a sense of joy and peace and in one of my earlier visualizations I tried to incorporate animals and playing with them. Of course, nothing beats having a real one that you care for and love and loves you back.

ombrétwilight, I meant both, literal or metaphorical. Sorry that your T's office is no longer. The spot on the bleachers sounds cool to me though. I think sometimes people want absolute quiet for the safe spot but sometimes a nice background noise, particularly if it's consistent, is equally pleasant. The posts I've been reading today makes me realize that I did have some safe spots as a kid, just didn't necessarily think of them that way. Like yourself, there were places I went to, in school or around the house, when I wanted to be myself, free from expectations and interruptions and fears. I remember now even in my room, sometimes I set up my things in a way to create a little spot behind the door, when closed, that felt safe, felt my own, and I could let my guard down. Temporarily.

[8thstreetbungalow]

My safe place is the library or art gallery I go to

[JustShakey]

My home has always been my safe place, which makes being out of it all the more difficult. I need to get busy making myself a new home. It'll probably feel awesome when I do, because I won't have to share it with scary-person anymore either...

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Is having a safe place dissociating from your emotions. I've been quite dissociated for years. Is it really helpful in the long term? I think my T thinks I should accept and feel my emotions instead of dissociating. She says my emotions are good things.

[Favorite Jeans]

I read a story a couple of years ago about a couple who were scuba diving in Thailand during the tsunami. They came up after a couple of hours in the water and were shocked by the devastation everywhere. They'd barely noticed anything ("it was maybe a little wavy there for a few minutes") different while they were under. I think about that sometimes and it freaks me out. Other times it seems like the perfect metaphor for a calm, lovely, safe self-contained space. If you have your own tank of oxygen, you can survive anything, right? And in almost every circumstance it's possible to just continue breathing. Sometimes when I'm really freaking out I imagine that I have my very own oxygen tank strapped to my back.