[Jessica Hazlitt]

So. The last half of my last session got pretty dark. We were on a very painful topic that rendered me totally speechless and T asked if it was ok to just "be with me in the moment". So we did. In our sessions we sit on the floor side by side and often when we talk about painful things we gently lean on one another. So as the silence became more stifling I leaned in as did T, shoulder to shoulder.

After a while he looked round at me smiling a little to try and bring me round to close up the session. But I was so gripped by the darkness that i couldn't even maintain eye contact and instinctively dropped my head onto his shoulder still leaning into him. Then I had to really awkwardly come around, pay up and leave. Still couldn't look him in the eye. Now I am torn.

In the moment it felt the natural thing to do because I was hurting so badly. But the second my brain kicked in (over the heart) I just felt dreadful about it. Although he didn't flinch or say anything at the time he must have felt awkward. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to be such a pansy. And the overriding emotion in hindsight is embarrassment of the highest degree.

Now I'm torn. Part of me says that maybe it's a sign that the barriers are coming down and we can get some proper work done. Another part says I made a total arse of myself and next week T: a. Probably won't want me sitting anywhere near him, and b. he will probably want a 'serious chat' about what went on (misinterpreting the motive for the 'nuzzling').

Seriously contemplating not going back, what do people think? Any similar occurrences or feelings?
Need advice.

Hi Jessica. I feel for you on this one. I had something similar happen. I was upset, and when T hugged me, I just lost control, started sobbing and buried my face in his neck/chest. He did not comment on it then or later. I think that your T probably understands the difference between burying or hiding your face and nuzzling. At least mine did. I was mortified, but he seemed to take it in stride.

[RedSun]

Hey Jessica, it's okay. I think most people on here have done something like this, or similar!

I think you're right that the barriers are coming down. If your t is okay with sitting next to you and leaning on each other, then the 'nuzzling' is fine. You didn't intend anything by it, and he will know that.
He's probably just pleased that you were able to go to that dark place, and that he was able to support you! The work is starting, well done!

[ScarletPimpernel]

You should still see your T. You will always wonder "what would have happened if I went back?"

Your T might want to talk about it. He might want to know what was going on. Maybe you crossed a boundary by putting your head on his shoulder. That's okay. You didn't intentionally do it. The fact that your T sits next to you like that kinda tells me that it won't be too big an issue.

But also because of how you two sit, I think having a discussion about boundaries is not only important, but necessary.

[Jessica Hazlitt]

This is all ready reducing my anxiety, thanks guys.

Boundaries on both sides are openly monitored in session.

The 'touch' thing is because (in brief) I have a medical disorder that forces me to ignore how I feel because 99% of the time it's pain. But in therapy ignoring feelings isn't helpful. Physical contact however has a sort of "earthing" quality that opens things up for exploration, and hopefully discovering a way of dealing with pain that doesn't close off all emotional output.

I'm starting to realise how lucky I am my T is willing to work with me like this. I didn't realise it was quite so unusual.

[Freewilled]

That's one of my fantasies that I don't know if I'd ever be able to do anyhow...putting my head on my Ts shoulder for comfort would mean a lot to me....I'm sure your T will understand

[Jessica Hazlitt]

UPDATE

Just got home from T.

I decided to start by sitting opposite him, still feeling akward.

First thing he said was "we should talk about last week"

My heart dropped

I said "yeah, I thought you may want some space."

As it turned out he didn't. I "utched up" we had a silent lean for a minute then cracked on.

It was akward, but I think it was a hurdle overcome.

Few! Thanks guys xx