Embarrassing confessions

In keeping with my usual theme of what a complete dork I am, here's another shameful secret:

I've told my therapist all kinds of stuff out of my past. Y'know stuff that's embarrassing or secretive. But I never mention the really embarrassing stuff 'cause it's in the here and now and directly related to therapy:

Do you know how long it takes me to get dressed on the day that I have therapy? Frikkin' forever. I always want to look great. It's probably my best-dressed work day of the week. I'm not even attracted to my therapist, but I want him to think I look good. I've bought new clothes and worn them for the first time to THERAPY. And only secondly did I wear them to go out over the weekend! Is that pathetic or what? What the heck is wrong with me?! I guess maybe I think if I look good it'll make up for the rest of the freak factor when I go in there and ramble on about a lot of abstract weird crap for an hour.

I hope I'm alone in my total dorkiness here. Okay I'm lying. But I probably am on this one.

I am such a dork. But today I looked good.

Pitiful.

Sid

Yeah, I'm right there with you. You should see me agonize for 2 hours over what to wear to therapy. And my T is female and she shows up in jeans and a sweatshirt. I don't bother with makeup though on therapy days. Too much risk that it will get smeared. I haven't cried with my current T either, but sometimes I wish that I could.

Rap

I've actually done that. I wonder if it's because therapy is so important to me or if it's because I want them to like me or think well of me or something. I guess it's an improvement that I care now because it used to make no difference whatsoever in any circumstance - I didn't go to any trouble for myself or anyone else. At least I value therapy.

It is funny to think that we put ourselves together so we can go fall apart isn't it?

So yup - guess I'm a dork too.

Sidony, what a confession! It takes guts to admit this to yourself, how much more so to your t! Though i venture to say it might be of value to discuss this with t.
Your style of writing is just so funny, made me laugh....
How long you been seeing this t?
Seems you still need to 'put up a facade' with this t, and as you feel more trusting with him and accepting of yourself you might just drop the need to appear a certain way for him.
I think it's a huge step in the right direction when we can shed our facades, and just be 'ourselves' in the company of our t's. To just 'be', and to be 'present', to 'exist', without shame or fear of rejection. To know that we are accepted for who we are, despite our imperfections. And that we don't need to 'appear' a certain way in order to gain the acceptance of our t, but most importantly of ourselves.

I quite often take a while to figure out what to wear. I put something on and it feels wrong. So I change. Repeat a few times... But there isn't that much time really (since I have to be out the door at half past six in the morning). Mostly... It is about my wanting to feel comfortable. And to feel 'respectable' in the sense of looking nice, yeah. Because there is so much %#@&#! inside me. If I look pleasant enough on the outside then maybe it will make it more manageable.

I don't tell him this, of course. But I have talked to him a bit about how my body feels alien sometimes. Only I mistook it for a thought that occurs alongside it sometimes 'how did I get to be associated with this body?' and then he had to listen to a ramble on how that question doesn't even make sense and when he said that didn't matter I glared at him and lectured him on Descartes or somesuch.

Sigh.

But yeah. For me it is part of self soothing / taking care of myself too. Therapy is hard. And often I feel like I'm fairly disgusting. So looking nice (which is about the best I can manage) helps that. a little. i understand.

I guess I should join the "dork club". I wear my favorite clothes on the day I have t. I guess I want to have "something right" when I go. I think I have worn the same clothes for the last, who knows how many, sessions. She probably thinks it is all I own. It is now almost to the point of superstitious. Oh my. And I don't even look particularly good in them.

I really like what Winter Rose wrote about putting ourselves together so we can go fall apart.
I can join the dork club too. Got to look good going to see the T. About the only time I really pay attention to what I put on, lately.

You're definitely not alone in that Sidony. When I was going to a therapist for agoraphobia and panic attacks, I put lots of thought into what I wore. I did my make-up and made sure my hair looked perfect. It was like I was getting ready for a date. I think it's because of the reason you mentioned -- I wanted my external "fabulous" appearance to make up for what was lacking in my coping skills. It made me feel more comfortable and confident and I think that made it easier for me to open up to my therapist. When I look like crap, I feel worse and it's harder for me to communicate confidently and openly.

For a while, since I was still quite agoraphobic at the time, my therapist's appointment was the only time I left my flat. So, it reminded me that I could look good and presentable and while I was out, I was reminded of how I used to be that way every day -- and how it felt. It was good practice for rejoining the "outside world."

P.S. I have to admit that I did find my therapist attractive, though. I think it was only natural. He was my age, good-looking, agreed with everything I said and told me I was intelligent and wonderful. What girl isn't going to enjoy that? Since I had been isolated for so long, I think I was just enjoying being in the company of a man as well. So, feeling attractive and comfortable talking to a man I found attractive was good practice too -- one more preparation for when I got better and started socializing again.

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Since I had been isolated for so long, I think I was just enjoying being in the company of a man as well.

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Juliana, I feel the same way. I don't have a lot of positive male interaction in my life right now, except for T.

I do take a bit more care with my appearance for therapy, but not excessively so. I don't wear much eye make-up for fear I will cry and wreck it all, but I try to touch up the rest in the car right before my session. I definitely think of what shirt I will wear. Today for therapy I wore a burgundy shirt because I look good in that color. But often I wear black to therapy with different necklaces. Or sometimes if I am feeling pretty good and strong, I will wear a red shirt. It's kind of pathetic I even give this 2 seconds thought, but heck, that's therapy and that's me!

i do just wear jeans and t-shirts. and i don't wear make-up (ever). so it is more about feeling comfortable. feeling in my skin rather than feeling like a hideous freak. and i'm probably a lot strange in that i really don't have very many clothes because i don't have the courage to go clothes shopping very often... depressed about the clothes situation at the moment actually. and the money situation doesn't help much with that.

but i have this t-shirt i quite like... because it is a nice fit. and because the arms are a little longer than some of the fitted t-shirts i've got and it actually does a reasonable job of hiding the rather gross scars combined with tan line situation on my upper arms.

it says: 'girlscouts. magic empire council'.

he laughed at the t-shirt (in a nice way). but still... i haven't worn it again. i hate people commenting on my appearance. just wanted to fall through the floorboards. but i think... i think... i managed a smile.

alexandra, the T-shirt sounds cool to me! (((hugs)))

<font color="green">Add another one to the dork list, I have even done the makeup so I would look like I was making progress! I have gone in a few times looking less than my best but those times I was so far sunk into my depression I couldn't even think of washing my face let alone the usual shower and so on.
I dunno why i feel so strongly that I need to look nice for therapy but since I do I make the effort. </font>

I'm with the jeans & tee shirt. My t dresses pretty casually & I like that about her. One t I tried showed up looking like she was going to a cocktail party. I just didn't feel comfortable with her. I guess one of my issues is feeling judged by my appearance so I'm trying not to focus on that so much as to find out what I am inside & what makes me a worthwhile person & it ain't my looks!--Suzy

Well I guess I can join the dork club as well because I too plan on what I am wearing to therapy and then I start to think about what I wore at my last session as to not duplicate outfits so he thinks that I dont have any other clothes. Although he is always dressed the same in jeans, running shoes and a shirt, I on the other hand come straight from work and I have to say though that a lot of it depends on my mood. I do have to be comfortable because I a have a tendancy to curl up my legs while there and be warm and safe but the makeup and hair are always done and refreshed before going in....especially the lipstick. Why I worry so much about these things....probably as someone else alluded to that I want my outside appearance to reflect a well put together stable individual in order to hide the scared, hurting child inside.

One thing I have noted though is that I tend to worry less with my T now (who is a man) than with my previous pdoc (who was a woman). Strange as I would have figured it would have been the other way around. With my pdoc I wouldn't care if I was late for work picking out an outfit for the day it just had to be right.

Anyway, yes I am part of the dork club....true and true

Thanks everybody!!!

What a relief that I'm not alone here. I crack myself up when I realize how much thought I put into what I'll wear to therapy. I might even have something dry-cleaned a week in advance. Pitiful. Even this morning I worried because I realized I like the outfit I'm wearing right now, but it'd be too soon to wear to work again on Tuesday when I have therapy. So drat. Gotta dig up something else. I am such a dork! I'm glad to have companions in my dorkiness!!!

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withit said:
Sidony, what a confession! It takes guts to admit this to yourself, how much more so to your t! Though i venture to say it might be of value to discuss this with t.

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Oh yeah that's not gonna happen. I'd die of shame and probably fall through the floor.

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withit said:
Your style of writing is just so funny, made me laugh....
How long you been seeing this t?

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Just over a year now. He's the best.

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withit said:
Seems you still need to 'put up a facade' with this t, and as you feel more trusting with him and accepting of yourself you might just drop the need to appear a certain way for him. I think it's a huge step in the right direction when we can shed our facades, and just be 'ourselves' in the company of our t's. To just 'be', and to be 'present', to 'exist', without shame or fear of rejection. To know that we are accepted for who we are, despite our imperfections. And that we don't need to 'appear' a certain way in order to gain the acceptance of our t, but most importantly of ourselves.

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Yeah all true. But in general I do like to look nice. It's just that I put a lot of extra thought into it for therapy.

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Juliana said:
I wanted my external "fabulous" appearance to make up for what was lacking in my coping skills. It made me feel more comfortable and confident and I think that made it easier for me to open up to my therapist. When I look like crap, I feel worse and it's harder for me to communicate confidently and openly.

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Yup, that's just how I feel.

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Juliana said:
P.S. I have to admit that I did find my therapist attractive, though. I think it was only natural. He was my age, good-looking, agreed with everything I said and told me I was intelligent and wonderful. What girl isn't going to enjoy that? Since I had been isolated for so long, I think I was just enjoying being in the company of a man as well. So, feeling attractive and comfortable talking to a man I found attractive was good practice too -- one more preparation for when I got better and started socializing again.

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Nothing wrong with that! I remember being afraid that I'd be too attracted to someone my age, and that was one of the reasons (not the only one) that I wanted someone older. But even with his being older, I feel like I want to impress him and I dress nice and sometimes my mannerisms are flirtatious. He gets me though.

I love therapy.

Sidony

I use to wear my wedding ring only when I went to see my T to "copy" her because I liked the look of her hands and her ring on it. I ended up telling her because I got in another even more embarrassing situation at work because of it; someone commented on having not seen my ring before and I almost said, "That's because I only wear it on Fridays" LOL! I was so amused I actually told the woman at work and then told my T later that day about the whole thing and we both enjoyed it.

I am extremely fortunate because my husband made a comment to me once when he and I were laughing at something I'd said and I joked about his not laughing at me he was laughing "with" me, etc. and he broke in the middle and said he wasn't laughing at me or with me, he was enjoying Me. Something clicked in place and now I enjoy my enjoyment :-) at making others laugh using myself and my personal quirkiness.

A corollary is to think of anything your T has done that struck you as funny or "odd" and, for me, I realized my T appeared more vulnerable/sweet when she didn't understand or did something that seemed personal/odd to me. If I think that way about my T then perhaps other people think that way about me?

My T wears the same clothes session after session (clean though) and I love the freedom that gives me. I wear my same old jeans and T-shirt and feel closer to her by feeling just as relaxed dress wise as her.

Sidony, I do this too. I never go now without make up on either. My husband says therapy day is the day I usually wear nylons and a skirt. So, I'm trying to stop that.

My most embarrassing confession is one I will NEVER tell him. I have a strong desire make love to him. Not just sex. I imagine it and in my head he is the most attentive and hot lover. Sometimes I swear I can feel him if I go deep enough into my emotions.

But, I'm sure he would tell me this means something else anyway. I could never face him again if I told him this.

Can anyone top this secret? Hee hee.

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sidony said:
In keeping with my usual theme of what a complete dork I am, here's another shameful secret:

I've told my therapist all kinds of stuff out of my past. Y'know stuff that's embarrassing or secretive. But I never mention the really embarrassing stuff 'cause it's in the here and now and directly related to therapy:

Do you know how long it takes me to get dressed on the day that I have therapy? Frikkin' forever. I always want to look great. It's probably my best-dressed work day of the week. I'm not even attracted to my therapist, but I want him to think I look good. I've bought new clothes and worn them for the first time to THERAPY. And only secondly did I wear them to go out over the weekend! Is that pathetic or what? What the heck is wrong with me?! I guess maybe I think if I look good it'll make up for the rest of the freak factor when I go in there and ramble on about a lot of abstract weird crap for an hour.

I hope I'm alone in my total dorkiness here. Okay I'm lying. But I probably am on this one.

I am such a dork. But today I looked good.

Pitiful.

Sid

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Sidony-- oh my God-- Sidony. Hahahaha, not only do I do the exact same thing, but I was going to post the exact same topic, only I was trying to get up the nerve to admit to you guys that I do this.

I am a clothes-***** as it is. (money-spending and clothes/accesory-buying is a huge impulse control problem for me). I mean, if I was about to jump off a bridge, my pocketbook and bag would probably still be coordinated. Listen to what I did last Friday: I carefully picked out my outfit for work since I knew I had T afterwords. Fridays are casual at my job, so I wore jeans with this red and black, flowery, kinda 1960s style shirt that I love. Well, halfway through the day, I decide this isn't good enough for therapy, so I go to the store during my lunch hour to buy a new shirt. Absolutely pathetic.

Also, I have this thing where I decide that no matter how much I'm falling apart on the inside, I can make up for it by at least appearing halfway decent on the outside. Of course this isn't true because I still feel like crap, but at least I look put together.

Oh yeah! And to make matters even more pathetic, T-day is the only day that I bring all of my makeup with me so I can touch it up in the car beforehand.

Um, what am I going to wear on Friday?

I start thinking about what I'm going to wear to therapy a week in advance, and plan what I wear the rest of the week accordingly - can't wear that outfit too close to Saturday, because then it might not be clean in time. Since I go to therapy on Saturday, and it's a long drive to get there, that's usually the only place I'm going that day too. I've been distressed because I needed to go back to my old house after therapy and clean (we're talking 2.5 hours to therapy, 4 hours to the old house, and 4 hours back home from the old house), so I needed to dress casual, and that wasn't what I wanted to wear. To further complicate things, I'm not comfortable sitting for a long time in jeans, so I never wear jeans if I'm driving a long way.

I wasn't always like this. With past therapists, I didn't think about what I wore at all - showed up in whatever I did chores in that day (I was a SAHM back then and chores meant milking the goats, ...). The secretary commented on odor at least once. I really just had no awareness. Actually, I think that I thought I was invisible. I didn't figure that anyone would ever actually see me. I also had a tendency to wear big, loose, baggy clothes in layers upon layers. That T commented when I started paying attention to what I wore, and when he dismissed me from therapy (before I was ready) he told me that I looked good, and that seemed to be part of why he thought he could drop me.

My current T comments on what I wear sometimes too. I try to wear something that feels like 'me.' I wasn't aware of it, but it turns out I'm comfortable in camoflage colors. I wore lots of browns and off-greens that blend in. She noticed that and recognized that I was trying to disappear. So I started making an effort to wear more color. What you wear to therapy can have a lot to it.

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pinksoil said:
Sidony-- oh my God-- Sidony. Hahahaha, not only do I do the exact same thing, but I was going to post the exact same topic, only I was trying to get up the nerve to admit to you guys that I do this.

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LOL. I love talking to you pinksoil. We're so dorkily similar.

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I am a clothes-***** as it is. (money-spending and clothes/accesory-buying is a huge impulse control problem for me). I mean, if I was about to jump off a bridge, my pocketbook and bag would probably still be coordinated. Listen to what I did last Friday: I carefully picked out my outfit for work since I knew I had T afterwords. Fridays are casual at my job, so I wore jeans with this red and black, flowery, kinda 1960s style shirt that I love. Well, halfway through the day, I decide this isn't good enough for therapy, so I go to the store during my lunch hour to buy a new shirt. Absolutely pathetic.

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I've brought an extra shirt with me on the day that I have therapy just in case I change my mind about the one I have on. Or in case I spill something on it. And I always have my makeup with me. And as I've said I've bought clothes that I wore for the first time to therapy. And I buy too many clothes in general. Sigh. I didn't used to be so into clothes, more in the last few years that I just wanted to somehow feel better. It definitely helps if I think I look better though.

Ugh, I have to get back to work. I'd much rather talk on here.

Sidony

I wore my bedroom slippers a couple times to therapy as it was cold, winter, and they were comfy and just because there's that unspoken rule that you "can't" wear them outdoors? It was fun and gave me a huge feeling of freedom to do/be what I "want."