Journal entry (To share with T to not Share) is the 2nd session to early ?

I'm going to share a journal entry (please tell me if you think I should show T?

Journal-
Well I had my first session today.
It's been awhile since I had therapy.
I talked more than I anticipated.
I think I'm going to keep going.
I did something I can't believe at the end of the session.
I actually asked her how she handles the pushing away crap I do. She said she could handle it. I actually said I need someone who won't give up on me. I can't believe I said that. Why the hell did I say that outloud to her.
I'm a idiot.
So she asked me if next Monday would work.
I couldn't give her a yes or no. I really want to go back, but than there is this part of me that really wants to say **** this.
Sheasked me if there was any sexual abuse. I was not expecting that question the first session. I was honest at least somewhat. I mentioned my uncle, I didn't let on how bad that was. I mentioned that something had happened a couple of years ago. I didn't tell her about the neighbor who used to babysit me or my grandfather. I don't plan to either. I can't go there.
I was starting to get that feeling in my chest sitting there, so i'm glad she didn't ask too many questions.
I really didn't want to have to excuse myself to the bathroom, to make it stop. I don't think she would of caught on, that I was going to go use the bathroom too cut, but still i'd like to avoid that when I'm there at least..
I really want to give it a good go at this therapy thing, but how the heck am I supposed to do that, when her just asking me if there's been any abuse makes me want to get the hell out of her office.
How do I tell her how the hell do I let her know I need to let another person in on these awful secrets, these awful things that have been eating at me since ****ing kindergarten. Part of me so bad wants to tell someone outloud what happened to me. how the hell am I supposed to do that without getting emotional which is something I do my best to avoid.
I mean **** I want to cut right now writing about this.
I mean just for shitz and giggles what if I went through with it and actually tried talking about this stuff. What happens when I get that feeling in my chest, what happens when every part of me needs to cut. I mean what if this **** got me to the point of tears that can't happen.
I can't exactly say "excuse me I need to go cut myself I'll be right back".I'm so ****ed up.
Dear journal i'm scared to be honest in therapy,I'm scared to let my guard down, I'm scared of letting someone see how bad my heart hurts.
I'm even more afraid of not letting myself accept help. I'm afraid i'm going to **** this up because that's what I do. I drive people away.
I probably won't even give myself the chance to make this work.

my instinct reading what you wrote is that you need so badly to get this information out, that you need your story told, to have someone tell you "what you went through was terrible and it shouldn't have happened"

I might be wrong....but that's what I got out of your words. I want to give you a hug right now, I am so sorry what was done to you.

You don't have to share details right away if you aren't ready. You don't even need to discuss the journal entry if you're not ready. But maybe the act of even giving her the note is a valuable part of the healing process for you...there is no right or wrong here. Even if you want to give it to her sealed, and have her read it later as another "step"

Another option is to re-write the journal entry into a letter for her, with the basics of the initial journal entry, but addressed to her perhaps will make you be able to share but also retain some of the "control" in the situation.

Whatever you decide, let us know how things go. Best of luck to you and I'm sorry you hurt so much

It's more of while I feel open and honest I want to get that out there, maybe not the details quite yet.
But I want her to know it happen, its a issue I need to talk about it not just do emdr.
I need to take away it's control I need someone to hear it out loud.
I want her to know before I do my push away ********. Than I might as well delete the journal entry.