[granite1]

anyway, trying to make some sense of all this.to start with the last few weeks my T has either been waiting for me when I get there or comes exactly on time . for the last few years she has always been 5 min late. this change has set me on edge .I don't understand why the change . so the we get to the room and she sits down I her chair looks at me ad says hello. so is there anything you want to talk about . she has never asked me this .and she has been on this kick of just sitting there and staring at me . I was thrown. I just shrugged my shoulders. she said something to the effect that she was o surprised to see how scared I was to talk to her about things. that she didn't understand why I would not tell her about what was going on with my son . that I was so distressed and felt I couldn't share it with her. I told her I wouldn't call it disturbed .she explained that she said distressed o disturbed. she said distressed is more of an internal battle. we talked about what I said to my son. but also how I am feeling better not talking to him and how I am calmer . she doesn't agree with me doing this . I said it was like me when I decided to not talk to my grandmother and aunt . she said they were toxic and that my son is not . this lead back to the conversation that I can talk to her about anything . I got brave ad asked her if she wanted to read what I wrote in my journal about my last session. she asked if I wanted her to .she is back on this kick of me always trying to make the session about her. I didn't agree but I was not going to argue and just said sure and handed it to her. this began the second half of my session that was even more intense and hard for me to make any sense of.

she read about me wishing she could understand where I was coming from as far as the mother was concerned . she said she did understand where I was coming from but she seemed so frustrated . I truly don't know if this is coming from me or not .any time I am talking about the mother she seems so angry .some how we got on the subject of me feeling that I was just a horrible baby. I couldn't say anything to her when she asked what I was thinking . she knew what I was thinking .it was the same argument .I was a hard baby to deal with. she pushed me to say it and she said I already knew what she was going to say, that she knew my mind was going a million miles a minute coming up with reasons I was a horrible baby. I cant understand why she is so angry at this at all . im not lying to her at all. I told her about how I screamed and cried all the time. so much that the mother had to put me out on the porch because she couldn't deal with it . I would eventually stop and go to sleep. I guess I was smiling as I was telling her this maybe even laughing a bit . she seemed to still be frustrated about everything I say and do . she asked if I had gone and watched the new born babies . I told he that I had spent about 2 hrs with a 7 day old baby and that I thought she was a good baby and that she was cute also. my T asked me if I thought I was a cute baby and I told he no because I was about 3 weeks early and that my grandmother said I looked like a spider monkey. I thought she had just reached her breaking point . why was what I said so horrible. she why was I laughing at this. that it was abusive and abandonment and neglect. I just completely shut down. she continued to say that I almost seemed proud that I was able to adapt or exhaust myself and fall asleep . I finely said to her that I was proud of the fact that I could adapt . again she said it was neglect and asked why am I not crying about all this. she the said what she feels for that little baby left on the porch was compassion and that she is going to hold that until I can feel the same thing for that baby.

my answers to this is .being proud of the fact that I was able to adapt .why was that wrong . I had so many ways to adapt and to survive . why can she be proud of this. by the end of the session she did say being proud that I adapted is a beginning what else is there. I think some people would think it is nice of a T to say that she felt compassion and would hold that for me until I can feel that .but in not thinking that. I don't quite understand what it means. it made me angry. it made me feel she is even more angry and frustrated with me. I don't understand it .I don't know what I did wrong. I make things worse when I talk .

[TheWell]

She is trying to get you to understand that even you would be horrified if you saw someone treated the way you were treated as a baby.

Picture this...you are walking along between some houses. It's kind of cold out and you hear a crying baby. No more than a few months old. Totally helpless. The baby has been left outside on the porch while the parents are inside ignoring her. She is crying for someone to come but they ignore her. It doesn't matter what the baby looks like or if the baby is fussy. Babies are not bad or good. They are all good, some are just more difficult than others.

Would you feel bad for that baby? Left outside because it was loud? Most babies cry loudly. Parents have to deal with it. Putting the baby on the porch is not dealing with it.

She wants you to feel sad for that little baby who is being abandoned by the people who are supposed to care for her.

[stopdog]

I too was a bad baby and ungrateful bad small child. And the therapist has acted all wacko when I have laughed while recounting some events. The therapist was all like "that is not a funny story" - I just told the woman not to laugh if she did not find it funny. It does appear as though they think one is not feeling how they think a baby or small child would feel under the circumstances related. It does not sound to me as if the therapist is mad at you. But even if the therapist was (and again - I do not think she is - I think she is all somber and trying to show how she thinks people should respond to what you have related) - so what?

[HazelGirl]

Your T isn't angry at you. Your T is absolutely furious at your parents, not you.

[unaluna]

Exactly what The Well said. If you walked by that porch, you would not think, what an adaptive baby! I would think, what shite parents.

My t says he sees anger in me. I can see it in other people, i can see it in things i do, but i have a hard time feeling the anger.

[Lauliza]

She wants you to see it from the point of view of a compassionate adult. None of what you describe has anything to do with a "good" or "bad" baby, it had to do with bad parents. I think she wants you to stop focusing on how you "adapted" because it takes the focus off of the real issue which is neglect. Infants are at the mercy of their caregivers decisions and they will adapt to their surroundings. All babies will cry themselves to sleep eventually if there is no other option. Some take longer than others but at some point they tire themselves out or just shut down.

So I think your Ts point is for you to see your infant self the way others would. People wouldn't praise an abandoned sleeping baby anymore than they'd be angry at a screaming abandoned baby. In either scenario most people would be angry at the negligent, abusive parents.

[unaluna]

Plus, we didnt adapt in a good way. We - well i, anyway - twisted in a bad way. That twisted branch doesnt bear fruit. it just has funny little leaves and dried up berries.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your T isn't angry at you. Your T is absolutely furious at your parents, not you.

it sure is hard to tell the difference and her anger terrifies me . I so want to tell her everything .but I look at it so differently then she does. i was a baby I don't remember screaming on the porch. I know this to be true because when I was somewhat older my grandmother told me of this . at one point i asked the mother about it and she told me that I cried all the time and that was the only way that I would stop and go to sleep. a lot of the stories I have of the mothers treatment of me is from my grandmother. some things confirmed by the mother .i have no reason to doubt her words just why she felt it ok to tell these things to a child.

[Lauliza]

I don't think your T is angry but frustrated because you seem to try to justify your mother's actions. It sounds like your grandmother was trying to blame you for whatever your mother was going through. Sometimes mothers do let babies cry themselves to sleep when they've exhausted all other options. Putting you on the porch or whatever else happened is of course different. Lots of babies scream and people do resort to unusual (not abusive) methods of trying to get them to sleep. It's never a baby's fault though and your T wants you to understand that and feel some anger toward the people who blame you. And as a parent you're familiar with infant behavior, so maybe she wants you to apply that understanding to your own experiences. She wants you to reframe what youve been told about yourself using a healthy adult perspective.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by TheWell

She is trying to get you to understand that even you would be horrified if you saw someone treated the way you were treated as a baby.

Picture this...you are walking along between some houses. It's kind of cold out and you hear a crying baby. No more than a few months old. Totally helpless. The baby has been left outside on the porch while the parents are inside ignoring her. She is crying for someone to come but they ignore her. It doesn't matter what the baby looks like or if the baby is fussy. Babies are not bad or good. They are all good, some are just more difficult than others.

Would you feel bad for that baby? Left outside because it was loud? Most babies cry loudly. Parents have to deal with it. Putting the baby on the porch is not dealing with it.

She wants you to feel sad for that little baby who is being abandoned by the people who are supposed to care for her.

all i have is how i adapted . not just as a baby but as a young child ,i created a whole imaginary world to help me through all the horribleness .but i survived.as teen i had the same world and SI, i adapted and survived . she seemed so angry that i did and that i seemed proud of this . why wouldn't i be that is all i have. i have been told most of my young life these things by people who knew. and continuously through out my adult life i am confronted with being told my perceptions are not real. that what i knew isn't reality . what i knew made sense . what i am told doesn't .it confuses me and makes me feel wrong. like my T asking me why am i not crying . most time i don't feel anything but confused scared and angry. not compassion . for me i see compassion as being self absorbed and selfish.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I don't think your T is angry but frustrated because you seem to try to justify your mother's actions. It sounds like your grandmother was trying to blame you for whatever your mother was going through. Sometimes mothers do let babies cry themselves to sleep when they've exhausted all other options. Putting you on the porch or whatever else happened is of course different. Lots of babies scream and people do resort to unusual (not abusive) methods of trying to get them to sleep. It's never a baby's fault though and your T wants you to understand that and feel some anger toward the people who blame you. And as a parent you're familiar with infant behavior, so maybe she wants you to apply that understanding to your own experiences. She wants you to reframe what youve been told about yourself using a healthy adult perspective.

i don't know if i would ever be able to do this . i swear that this is who i am and what i have known all my life . im scared to death ill never be able to see things differently . i was almost in tears over how angry she was at me then about anything that happened to me growing up. i can see why she would want me to see things in a different way i just don't know if she is very realistic about my ability to do this .

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by granite1

for me i see compassion as being self absorbed and selfish.

I dont understand what you and your t are disagreeing about. You are right in being proud of yourself for how you survived. She is withholding something from you, and i dont understand what or why. You have had enough of being withheld from.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by granite1

it confuses me and makes me feel wrong. like my T asking me why am i not crying . most time i don't feel anything but confused scared and angry. not compassion . for me i see compassion as being self absorbed and selfish.

Asking why you don't cry as if that's what you're supposed to do isn't very empathetic of her so I can understand why you'd be confused. You survived the only way you knew how and you cant redo every memory you have. You can only change how you perceive things now. If you feel self centered maybe you can rethink it as having compassion for other infants or children who are mistreated. Maybe if you acknowledge that other babies and children can't be blamed for abuse you'll begin to feel the same way toward yourself.