[Yearning0723]

We didn't really talk about anything important...my fault for not telling her that we needed to. We just talked about some usual stuff, my issues with social interactions, why I feel uncomfortable around other people, why I feel different than other people, etc. Nothing really deep. The only useful thing I got out of today was that T told me that she, too, is often accused of having "too much privilege" and she, too, hates it, and she, too, finds it a specious allegation, since "privilege" can be sort of an ad hominem attack on a differing opinion (at least in my circles).

Other than that...nothing much. My fault. Other than at the end when she asked when I wanted to book next and I said maybe Wednesday, and then I immediately told her I was just testing her (because I felt bad about it), and she seemed sort of confused and said that sure, we could book for Wednesday if I didn't have any time on Friday or Saturday. I told her I had time on Friday and we booked for then, and that's when it occurred to me that she thinks I changed our time today and Saturday because I had another obligation during the time we'd booked, so it was less "I need you" and more "I'm rearranging my schedule; can you fit me in another time." I'm not sure how I feel about this.

[brokenwarrior]

I just want to say that I really admire how must you accomplished this week with your therapy. I wish I had the courage to reach out to my t like you have been. It's my opinion but I think you have been very brave. Good for you for admitting you were just testing her. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding with your t about the scheduling. They are not mind readers as much as we wish they were. To me it sounds like your t is very attuned to you and cares very much about you so try not to take it negatively. On Friday I would go and and say right in the beginning that there are things you need to talk about. Right a list or write it all out on paper. Whatever would best help you!

[Yearning0723]

I think re. the scheduling, I was just trying to see if she would give me another appointment literally two days from now, which would have brought the total to four sessions in six days. I think she didn't realize that I was asking that as a "test" but she just thought I didn't have time to see her Friday (usually we do Mondays and Fridays, and this week we also did Saturday) and that I was asking for Wednesday because of a scheduling issue.

What I understood from this exchange was that she would have let me come on Wednesday, no problem, if I asked, but I decided that I didn't want to ask. It seemed too manipulative, since I realized she had no idea what I was doing and why I was doing it. I think she just doesn't realize the attachment I feel to her. I don't usually show it.

[SnakeCharmer]

Yearning, I have to admit upfront that I don't understand all the testing. Not just with you, but many other posters talk about it and I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. I'm saying that maybe for the same reasons a reporter writes: "Full disclosure: I play drums in a jazz combo" if they're writing about a drummer in a jazz combo. It's a way of disclosing bias or blind spots up front.

I read your previous posts about testing her and thought your answer to why you were testing her showed a tremendous amount of insight and honesty. In this thread you wrote: "I'm not sure how I feel about this," i.e., the idea that she maybe throught you were rearranging your schedule rather than testing her.

I'd come away from such an interaction thinking the T had a high opinion of me and my motivation. Instead of seeing testing or manipulation or shenanigans, it sounds like she saw innocent motivation and she showed a willingness to accommodate you without interrogating you about why you might be scheduling and rescheduling. She said okay and made appointments.

Although I don't understand all the testing, I have the sense from what you've written that it might be safe to ease up on it or even stop it altogether. Maybe go on the idea that she thinks you're an okay person (no matter what problems you might have) and she's willing to meet you halfway if you need or want some accommodation or something extra.

If she's a good T in other ways, she sounds like a keeper. I'm a strong believer that the relationship between client and T may be more important than any style or technique of therapy, and if you can maybe calm down a little and talk to her about trust -- really talk, like maybe for weeks or months on end -- instead of testing and testing and testing again, you may end up with a really good relationship there.

I wish you the best.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Yearning, I have to admit upfront that I don't understand all the testing. Not just with you, but many other posters talk about it and I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. I'm saying that maybe for the same reasons a reporter writes: "Full disclosure: I play drums in a jazz combo" if they're writing about a drummer in a jazz combo. It's a way of disclosing bias or blind spots up front.

I read your previous posts about testing her and thought your answer to why you were testing her showed a tremendous amount of insight and honesty. In this thread you wrote: "I'm not sure how I feel about this," i.e., the idea that she maybe throught you were rearranging your schedule rather than testing her.

I'd come away from such an interaction thinking the T had a high opinion of me and my motivation. Instead of seeing testing or manipulation or shenanigans, it sounds like she saw innocent motivation and she showed a willingness to accommodate you without interrogating you about why you might be scheduling and rescheduling. She said okay and made appointments.

Although I don't understand all the testing, I have the sense from what you've written that it might be safe to ease up on it or even stop it altogether. Maybe go on the idea that she thinks you're an okay person (no matter what problems you might have) and she's willing to meet you halfway if you need or want some accommodation or something extra.

If she's a good T in other ways, she sounds like a keeper. I'm a strong believer that the relationship between client and T may be more important than any style or technique of therapy, and if you can maybe calm down a little and talk to her about trust -- really talk, like maybe for weeks or months on end -- instead of testing and testing and testing again, you may end up with a really good relationship there.

I wish you the best.

I don't want to test her...it's just hard not to sometimes. It's an impulse. It's the little kid part of me that starts feeling safe but can't actually believe it, so instead tries to push other people away. Although admittedly this is a very benign form of it...it was worse with my former T, who couldn't handle being tested (I sent her an email between sessions, which was very, very against the rules) and terminated with me. I don't think this T would do that, but the little kid part of me doesn't believe it's safe to share stuff.

[HazelGirl]

When I want to test my T, I tend to either just test her knowing it will work out, or I talk to her about it and about why. Either one tends to work out in my benefit.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Yearning, I have to admit upfront that I don't understand all the testing. Not just with you, but many other posters talk about it and I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. I'm saying that maybe for the same reasons a reporter writes: "Full disclosure: I play drums in a jazz combo" if they're writing about a drummer in a jazz combo. It's a way of disclosing bias or blind spots up front.

I read your previous posts about testing her and thought your answer to why you were testing her showed a tremendous amount of insight and honesty. In this thread you wrote: "I'm not sure how I feel about this," i.e., the idea that she maybe throught you were rearranging your schedule rather than testing her.

I'd come away from such an interaction thinking the T had a high opinion of me and my motivation. Instead of seeing testing or manipulation or shenanigans, it sounds like she saw innocent motivation and she showed a willingness to accommodate you without interrogating you about why you might be scheduling and rescheduling. She said okay and made appointments.

Although I don't understand all the testing, I have the sense from what you've written that it might be safe to ease up on it or even stop it altogether. Maybe go on the idea that she thinks you're an okay person (no matter what problems you might have) and she's willing to meet you halfway if you need or want some accommodation or something extra.

If she's a good T in other ways, she sounds like a keeper. I'm a strong believer that the relationship between client and T may be more important than any style or technique of therapy, and if you can maybe calm down a little and talk to her about trust -- really talk, like maybe for weeks or months on end -- instead of testing and testing and testing again, you may end up with a really good relationship there.

I wish you the best.

My T says that I can test her as much as I need. I think that she thinks that it is productive for me. She was very clear with me a few appointments ago that testing is very ok. I think for people who have been abandoned testing is particularly important because you need to feel sure that the relationship will work out. In fact knowing that testing ok has helped me to feel less judged with T and more secure. It's really just a normal human response, and I think it should just be allowed to play out in the relationship. There is no shame in just checking things out.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I used to test people a lot. I didn't want to be close to anyone if they were going to leave me, so testing was a way to see where the relationship was...if it was still stable and safe.

...Until I met one of my college counselors. She couldn't stand my testing. If I started to test her, she told me I could either choose to stop right then or I could go away until I decided to stop but she wouldn't put up with it. It was harash. I got the lecture many times. But it taught me to ASK for reassurance.

I still test sometimes. I still push people away. But it is way less often. I'm pretty good now about asking for reassurance, and I have found people are more than happy to provide it as often as I need. It's actually a deal I have with my T. She will respond to me inbtwn sessions if it's an emergency or if I need reassurance. She understands how important it is for me. Sometimes, we'll spend a whole session focusing on the status of our relationship (I do not mean status of my progress in therapy, but the relationship itself).

It's difficult to stop testing, but it is necessary to practice healthier ways of getting reassurance. Testing is manipulative. Asking is direct and just as comforting.

[Yearning0723]

Ah, but testing is something I'm used to, and asking is something I'm scared of. Of course, all the more reason to try it...

I have bad experiences with asking for reassurance from people and them getting sick of it and leaving me. Testing is easier because a lot of people don't know I'm doing it, which makes it more manipulative, but safer.

All the more reason to ask...I know...I'm working on it.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

When I want to test my T, I tend to either just test her knowing it will work out, or I talk to her about it and about why. Either one tends to work out in my benefit.

I told T today that I was testing her. Progress? At least I wasn't trying to be sneaky about it.