[Partless]

I think sometimes it's not clear or easy to see who owns what. I think once people are quite self aware and in a clear state of mine, it's pretty easy. But sometimes behavior goes into automatic, or people get triggered back to back, and once a strong mood takes over it's very difficult to take ownership or even maintain real awareness of what's happening.

When mom used to go into one of her rages, I don't think she knew what was happening and she was as much as the mercy of it as I was as a kid. I don't think it is quite psychosis (she was not completely unaware) but could it be reduced awareness or reduced control or rationality?

Now I experience somewhat similar things. Like the other day we were at my sister's home and mom was in a mood and I kept worrying about my sister getting triggered (she has serious mental health issues and she is not exactly stable) and so I ended up getting triggered myself multiple times. Funny...but not really. Had a terrible day yesterday and day before.

So when a friend had called that night, I was completely unaware that I sounded resentful towards him. was too caught up with my internal rage at being triggered again and feeling helpless in my triangle with mom and sister and kept reminding myself of my various therapists saying IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY...yet I hate bad things happening so I keep feeling helpless because I want to be able to prevent something bad happening (like my sister getting suicidal again) and yet I can't and further I shouldn't anyways cause not my job and mom and her are both adults.

Our talk started out well enough and I told my friend I had a tough day and I thought I would appreciate the conversation and good news he wanted to share, but soon resentment and envy just leaked out and I think a part of me that was fed up with being preoccupied with mom and sister, the unfairness of it all, feeling trapped. PTSD has made it so that I can't go to college and that's one of the toughest things for me to swallow because college was always where I felt competent and smart and valued. We both went to the same college. His life turned out better. I quit, he continued.

So as my friend was recounting his good fortune and happy healthy family who is supportive, and his acceptance to a postdoc position at Yale university, I started to devalue the program (I had my legit reasons but from a neutral perspective, the good of the program definitely outweighed the bad, big time..and yet I expressed ONLY the bad, and exaggerated it big time, like clearly in hurtful way). By the end my friend cut the call short. He sounded hurt. When the call was over and I ate and later I took a shower, I found a few minutes of clarity from mom stuff and thought about my friends then the guilt kicked in. I had hurt my friend. That's so unlike me, I'm a caring loving person, what the hell is wrong with me?

I remember a few years ago when I used to go around saying sorry to everybody and mom told me to stop it and dad finally said, ENOUGH WITH THE SORRIES! I think the point was that don't do things that makes you have to apologize. And I don't want to. And I hate that I'm in this position that I get triggered every single day, that my life is so difficult like this. Everyday I have to keep saying sorry cause I walk around hurting people.

But to say sorry means what, that you meant the hurt? That you have to own it 100%, as if everything is perfect in life but you're a psychopath who takes pleasure in hurting people? But darn it all this rage feels foreign to me, we were good friends, I didn't mean to hurt him. I don't want to take possession of the damn thing, I was victimized myself, it did not "start" with me! But then not to take possession of it, then what? Then be like mom, who was abused and abuse me too, the continuing cycle of violence? How it hurt me that she took no ownership of the hurt. Okay, so maybe take some ownership for sure but also don't think that taking ownership means I'm a mean spirited hurtful person? I'm confused...

[JustShakey]

Well, you do have to take responsibility for your own emotions and how you act on them because you are an adult and that is the healthy, mature thing to do. There is a difference between a scared, don't-hurt-me sorry, and a mature, I-acted-poorly sorry. You were upset because of your mom's behavior, but that's not your friend's fault. You are not responsible for her behavior but you are responsible for your own. I would say apology is warranted here, but I think it will make you and your friend feel better, closer even, because it'll come from a genuine place.

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[Partless]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Well, you do have to take responsibility for your own emotions and how you act on them because you are an adult and that is the healthy, mature thing to do. There is a difference between a scared, don't-hurt-me sorry, and a mature, I-acted-poorly sorry. You were upset because of your mom's behavior, but that's not your friend's fault. You are not responsible for her behavior but you are responsible for your own. I would say apology is warranted here, but I think it will make you and your friend feel better, closer even, because it'll come from a genuine place.

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Okay, I have a question for you. What if somebody's life is so ****** that they end up hurting people a lot of times. One option, which I have been using last few years, is not to have any relations. This call, was literally the only time I had spoken to a friend, in the last six months. Other ones were either doctors or my immediate family or strangers online. But my therapists have told me it's worth the risk, to have relationships. But how to have them if you're full of rage and pain and get triggered all the time?

Either every call will turn into my sob story about how messed up my life is (which is taking ownership I guess) but it can turn into a whole narcissistic all about me kind of thing about me and my PTSD and my mother and my sister, blah blah, or I have to attempt to have normal conversations, which is when people share good or new things in their lives (because unlike me, people are actually living, going out, studying, working, etc) and I have nothing to share except this anger and pain that will leak out in hurtful ways.

I'm so pissed off at the unfairness of my life. I think if literally one more things goes wrong I'm gonna kill myself. I've had it up to here with single ****ing thing, with constant triggers.

I so envy people who are tough minded. I was just talking to somebody a few days ago, online, talking about his brother committed suicide a year ago, and I was like, "Oh I'm sorry to hear this..." and he was like, "Eh, it's his life, so be it, gotta move on." At first I thought he was being exceptionally uncaring. But maybe that's the way to do it to survive in this crazy life. People get ill, people die, so be it. So my mom triggers my sister and she could go back to being hospitalized and drugged up and being under suicide watch, and all hell breaks loose, so be it! Not my responsibility, so let her ****ing die! And **** my mom and her abusive ways, she can do whatever the **** she wants to do to herself or my sister, I don't care.

Partless, this all sounds like extreme thinking--either this or that. As an adult you are responsible for your actions, and other people are responsible for how they respond. When you say you're sorry, it doesn't imply that meant to hurt your friend; if anything, it probably means you're sorry that you caused hurt. Because it sounds very much that you are sorry you caused hurt.

As for what to do with people sharing their glorious lives? Be happy for them. It's not hard to do (I don't think). Usually, it's only one part of their lives, anyway. The public part. Don't worry--even your friend suffers in some way. Personally, I don't see the point in dumping on everyone with tales of woe. For one thing, it will drive people away. Guaranteed. When that happens enough, you learn to be a better friend.

And your sister is responsible for herself. There's no reason to be cold and callous about it. Being a support does not mean you have to adopt all of her problems. You just have to find a way with it.

I don't know what else to say. Life is hard. But you are sensitive, so it's harder.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

When you say you're sorry, it doesn't imply that meant to hurt your friend; if anything, it probably means you're sorry that you caused hurt. Because it sounds very much that you are sorry you caused hurt...

I don't know what else to say. Life is hard. But you are sensitive, so it's harder.

You're right Licketysplit, I am sorry I caused hurt and you're also right that I did not mean to; I don't know why I earlier I thought saying sorry means I meant to hurt somebody. To say you're sorry when you accidentally step on somebody's feet when you're dancing, for instance, I doubt anybody meant to do that right? Yet they caused hurt. So they say sorry.

I think I'm often fighting off this feeling of being a horrible person (combination of guilt and shame) which usually gets magnified after I interact with my family, and so for some reason was interpreting saying sorry as evidence of me being bad mean nasty person. I think that was the part I did not want to "own", not the causing of hurt. But I think saying sorry actually shows being considerate and caring. Weird how I confused things.

I'm more clear now. I agree also with your comment on extreme thinking, usually when I'm upset I get extreme. And lastly, you're absolutely right, when you're sensitive about things, it's harder!

Thank you for your response and reading my post, I feel better, I appreciate it LicketySplit.

[StressedMess]

Partless I came home in a horrible mood today and lost my temper and took it all out on my kids because they were in the way when the stink hit the fan.

But it's not their fault I had a bad day. It's not their fault I lost my temper, and it's not their fault that I haven't learned a better way to handle my anger than yelling and hurting everyone around me.

So after I cool off I owe a teenager, a first grader, and a chihuahua an apology.

If you want the truth, I am a serial apologizer and have been called on it by strangers. If someone in a store bumps into me or walks out in front of me I always say "I'm sorry, excuse me" as if it's my fault. Taking the blame on myself is ridiculous but I always have and I really can't stop.

If I blame myself, then it's my fault, and if it's my fault, well I'm the one with control. Spacey!

Hope you can call your friend and say "I feel our last call ended badly, I apologize for monopolizing the conversation." And end it. Own the part that really is yours (you are only responsible for your actions) and let him own his hurt feelings (as he is responsible for his own actions/reactions) and patch it up. Good luck!

[JustShakey]

(((Partless)))
I actually did that too - isolated myself almost completely because I felt that I was not a good friend to anyone; that I had very little worthwhile to give and what little I had needed to be saves for my family. Of course, what I didn't see at the time was that I was married to a man who was literally draining the life and soul out of me. I don't think you're as deep in as I was - you still have friends who call you up to talk, even if it's rare. I agree with StressedMess, call your friend. Telling him you had a bad day or that you're going through a rough patch right now would not be too much to share either. You don't have to overload people with your story to feel relieved. A little sharing here and there can be very healing. And it actually feels good for the other person too, because they can feel that you are being genuine.
I'm just learning this stuff myself, and it's not easy. It's downright scary sometimes to talk to people, but I do feel better for it. It's a bit of risk letting people into your life alright, but it's the only way to *live*.

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Trust me your not the only one who has done that , when your thinking about something upsetting last thing you want to hear is how someone's life is going great .

I am known to tune myself out while there talking , and inside my head I am saying to myself , I don't give a flying F . and thinking about my problems while they are talking .

Your not alone in this

[HazelGirl]

I agree with what the others have said.

I also want to add that your friend, if he's a good friend, has the responsibility to be able to meet you where you're at, listen to you, and comfort you in the best way he knows how when you're hurting. So for example, on the phone, he could have listened to what is going on in your life and been there for you. It sounds like he was bragging about how great his life is rather than comforting you while you're suffering. If he was bragging, that could cause a reaction like that in even people who haven't had a hard day. How much more would such a reaction come out if you have had a really hard time recently! There are ways to share good news with people that is sensitive to how they're feeling.