[dancinglady]

For all the people who have a mental illness and adult children do your kids disown you have no contact because they think you are weird etc. if so how do you cope?

[HazelGirl]

Children don't disown their parents because they're "weird". Something more serious is going on if they've disowned you.

[stopdog]

Of course some adult children distance themselves/disown from parents because they deem them weird. I see it all the time in my profession. The adult children are embarrassed when the parent does not conform to the adult child's view and so forth.

OP - you might get more responses in a different area of this site as this area is more for discussing therapy.

[Lauliza]

If the mental illness caused some sort of abuse to occur, then that is possible. I doubt that most emotionally healthy people would disown a parent due to being mentally ill on it's own- usually there is more to it than that. Otherwise, I think some children might do what they can to help care for the parent or at least find them support.

[Freewilled]

My mom has been pretty much disowned by my brother....she never sees her grand kids even on holidays. My sister moved really far away and keeps in touch, but it's pretty limited. I struggle with my mom and dad, despite my love for them.

I think abuse is more likely the factor that comes into play. But at the same time, no parent is perfect. If the parent is willing to take responsibility for their own part, then that goes a long way toward mending the relationship, IMO......

[Petra5ed]

I'm seriously considering disowning a mentally ill parent, but only because she refuses to seek help of any kind, stalks me, contacts my employer, doesn't respect any of my boundaries (like don't come over unannounced, don't text me 50 times a day, don't stalk my inlaws, etc.).

[stopdog]

Embarrassment, significant others, and an inability to control the parent are often enough.
I see it each week where families who want the client to be different (and not usually because of abuse - just weirdness), abandon the client. It does not always happen, but it certainly can and more often than people like to think. I have found in working with these families as an attorney - abuse itself seems to be rarely the thing that cuts people off from each other in my experiences with the allegedly mentally ill and their families. People who have been abused often seem to be tied to their parent in a lot of irrational ways.

I think it probably depends on the weirdness involved. My mother is mentally ill, but part of her "weirdness" is that she thinks the world revolves around her and she has the right to touch anyone anywhere she wishes. She also steadfastly refuses to admit anything is mentally or emotionally wrong with her-- although she will tell anyone who will listen about how depressed she is because of how horribly her children treat her. She was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to my older sister and me while we were growing up and has refused to acknowledge it or ever get any mental health assistance. As a result, my older sister barely speaks to her, and I limit my contact with her.

[ChangingMyMind]

As a preteen, teen, and young adult I abandoned my mother who had schizoaffective/bipolar because it was too hard for me to deal with. It wasn't her fault nor was I running away from her I was running away from the pain it caused me. I was being selfish.

I now wish I could be there for her but I am 3000 miles away, although I do talk to her on the phone.

I never disowned her or ever stopped loving her!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growlycat]

My family hasn't disowned me but I definitely feel treated with less respect.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

For all the people who have a mental illness and adult children do your kids disown you have no contact because they think you are weird etc. if so how do you cope?

I think the OP is asking more from the parent's POV, how do you cope, not the adult child's rationale. I miss my nephew, but i only saw him maybe once a month when he was growing up. I would like to see him, and maybe my brother, but i cant handle my mother or sisterinlaw. That doesnt fit into their definition of their allowable family time.

Any chance you could reestablish relations on a one-to-one basis? I have absolutely no power, i'm like at the bottom of my family's totem pole. But as the mom, maybe you would have more negotiating power?

How does a person cope? Do you see a t?

[Xenon]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think the OP is asking more from the parent's POV, how do you cope, not the adult child's rationale.

Yes, that's what the OP is asking, but I think people are responding to what may well be an unfair assumption there. Parents with mental illnesses can be very difficult for children to deal with, for a variety of reasons, and many adult children from these families end up with lifelong issues themselves because of their experiences with their parent. It comes off as trivializing and a little insulting to say such adults disown their parents "because they think they're weird." I have a parent with serious issues that I rarely speak to, and he did not do anything to me that would be considered obviously abusive, but the breakdown of our relationship had do to with far more than me simply deciding that he's weird. (I can totally see him painting this kind of picture, though, if someone listens to his side only.)

I don't know what the deal is with the OP's family, I don't doubt that it's painful for the parent, too, and I do think "How do you cope?" is a perfectly good question. But I do get a kind of defensiveness when I hear the question asked this way, and I'd assume I'm not the only one.

[stopdog]

There are certainly more than just one side to everything. I did not see anything trivializing or insulting from the OPs question or from the perspective of the parent. Perhaps a different thread for the children would be a better plan than getting defensive on this thread. Or not. I have not found with my clients that their adult children were often willing (for whatever reason) or able to see things from the parent's point of view either. But my experience is with this as an attorney and not a player in the dynamics. I do know that my clients do express that it hurts them, and I do know that I have dealt with a lot of adult children I did not like how they approached their parent and that their expectations of their parent were often not reasonable given the circumstances.

Originally Posted by Xenon

Yes, that's what the OP is asking, but I think people are responding to what may well be an unfair assumption there. Parents with mental illnesses can be very difficult for children to deal with, for a variety of reasons, and many adult children from these families end up with lifelong issues themselves because of their experiences with their parent. It comes off as trivializing and a little insulting to say such adults disown their parents "because they think they're weird." I have a parent with serious issues that I rarely speak to, and he did not do anything to me that would be considered obviously abusive, but the breakdown of our relationship had do to with far more than me simply deciding that he's weird. (I can totally see him painting this kind of picture, though, if someone listens to his side only.)

I don't know what the deal is with the OP's family, I don't doubt that it's painful for the parent, too, and I do think "How do you cope?" is a perfectly good question. But I do get a kind of defensiveness when I hear the question asked this way, and I'd assume I'm not the only one.

Thank you. You articulated that much better than I could. I realized that the initial post made me feel angry and defensive, but could not articulate why.

As for the question of how you cope, as hankster said, therapy might be helpful. If you have a mental illness anyway, therapy might be helpful for that. If your children see that you are trying to get help and make changes, it may make them more likely to agree to have contact with you in the future.

[sidney1771]

Kids will disown their parents even if they don't have a mental illness. It is quite common and not specific to you or due to the fact that you have a mental illness. While you might find it sad, rejoice that you raised children confident to live a life unshackled and unbound. Celebrate the independence that they are enjoying and know that you fostered it, not caused it. At some point in their lives priorities may change and you are higher on the list, but for now don't think that it is because you are mentally ill. 99.9% chance you are wrong.