[MrPink182]

I am thinking about changing T's. Maybe it is just me, but my T just seems cold and not a compassionate person. I never get compliments, she seems distant, and I am not 100% sure that she cares what I am dealing with.

I'm afraid that I will be wrong this whole time, and she is actually not who I thought would be if I see another T and they are 10x worse.

I asked her about boundaries today. She said she does not do hugs, and she rarely emails (but didn't give me her email)

Is it wrong to want a T who is compassionate? I might see another T on the side for a session to see how that goes...

[NowhereUSA]

Ts are people - if you don't feel like this one meets what you need, then I don't see a problem in looking or another one. I would just caution against judging her as not compassionate. Ts operate differently. She just might not be a good fit and it's okay to go looking for one that is.

[MrPink182]

The sucky part is I have been seeing her for 8 months, one time a week. I just felt so empty coming out of her office....like she doesn't even look at me when she says bye. I thought about these quite a few times, but never changed T's, now I think I might...gonna schedule an appt with this one T tomorrow.

[stopdog]

Checking out different therapists is good thing I think.

I don't think it's at all wrong to want a compassionate, warm therapist. They do exist. I hope you find one that's a good match for you.

[NowhereUSA]

My T has told me that it's about a good fit. He's referred people to other Ts when he doesn't think he can help them or that he isn't a good fit and he's had people ask for referrals. He doesn't take it personally. I had a T I saw briefly before him and she was not a good fit at all.

Since seeing him, if I ever moved and needed a new T, I feel very comfortable shopping around until I found one that did what I needed.

No harm in what you're doing. Hopefully you'll find one that you click with.

[TheWell]

In my opinion a good relationship with your therapist is a very important part of therapy. I had a couple therapists that I spent time with. I didn't connect so I kept looking. I now have an individual therapist and a group therapist who I connect with very well. It's worth it to keep looking.

I am sorry it didn't turn out like you wanted to I know how much you wanted a hug .
Is this your first T ?
It is hard to find the right T , I never had a T that gave me there e-mail address or told me to text them . They told me if you need me for an emergency to call the office or 911 .

If she didn't even look at you when you said good bye that seems pretty cold .

[brokenwarrior]

I agree with what Nowhere said. Ts do operate differently. Maybe your T is burnt out or she is having cotransference towards you. If you don't feel like you fit I would suggest seeing another T on the side while still continuing with your current T. If you find one you click better with then leave. Or you my find that your current T is actually the one.

[MrPink182]

This was my first T, but I did see one a couple months ago when I had to (I had to get meds from a psychiatrist, and they made me see one of their psychologists). She seemed like a better fit for me. I'm not sure why I didn't just switch over then, but I am going to take another chance.

Another thing with my original T is, she keeps preaching the yoga thing. It isn't every session, but its more than I care for. It sucks, because she is a nice person, but I feel like we are wasting each others time.

[stopdog]

Although I just tolerate the two I see, I met with over 30 and most of the rest were, to me, not even at the tolerable level. Out of the tolerable ones, the two I see were the closest to me in terms of distance.

[wotchermuggle]

There are compassionate therapists out there that you can feel a bond with. They do exist. Don't feel bad about checking out some new ones. ((hugs))

[MrPink182]

I always just thought a T was supposed to be this cold person with not much emotion. That's how it seems like on TV. Whether she cares or not, she makes me feel like sometimes I am talking to a brick wall. I have had some great sessions, but overall I just feel like I am not getting any better, but worse.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by MrPink182

I am thinking about changing T's. Maybe it is just me, but my T just seems cold and not a compassionate person. I never get compliments, she seems distant, and I am not 100% sure that she cares what I am dealing with.

I'm afraid that I will be wrong this whole time, and she is actually not who I thought would be if I see another T and they are 10x worse.

I asked her about boundaries today. She said she does not do hugs, and she rarely emails (but didn't give me her email)

Is it wrong to want a T who is compassionate? I might see another T on the side for a session to see how that goes...

Personally I would. Like I might have mentioned I have had a T like yours before, was shocked it could be another way. I've read the relationship is the most important factor, and I can't imagine having a close relationship with a T with super rigid boundaries. If you are male maybe having a male T would up your odds, I've heard female Ts can be pretty rigid with male clients.

[MrPink182]

If I did leave my T, how is the best way?

[stopdog]

I do not believe there is one best way. You can go to the next appointment and talk to her about it, you can go to the next appointment and tell her as you are walking out the door, you can write a letter, you can call and leave a message, and so forth. Do you want to pay her to quit? Would you derive some benefit from seeing her again and telling her and talking about it?

[MrPink182]

Well I have pretty good insurance, so the money aspect isn't a big deal. I think the best way is to just be honest about how I feel next session. I'm still not 100% sure I am leaving her, but I am making other appointments with other T's.

[stopdog]

You could take a break for a month or two while you try out others. It might be useful to talk to her about why you are looking. I told the first one I was looking at others and I told her I saw other ones. It did not seem to bother her one way or the other.

[MrPink182]

Yeah, I am probably over thinking it. She probably doesn't care that much.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by MrPink182

Yeah, I am probably over thinking it. She probably doesn't care that much.

I found it reassuring. Do you want the therapist to care if you see another?

[SabinaS]

Before you jump the gun and look for someone else, can you talk to her about how you have been feeling? You say she's uncaring and withholding, and yet I recall that you have quite strong feelings towards her?

I'm wondering whether any of what you're feeling is due to an impending break coming up for the holidays? I only say this, as I have been feeling particularly uncared for and lacking warmth from my T lately... and I suddenly realised, it's count down to holiday time... where I get dumped and expected to go it alone for a few weeks... and also have to accept the reality that our relationship is nothing more than client/T.

Most T's care, I can't imagine any do it just for the sake of earning money. It's true that it's better if there is a good fit/click... but from what you've said previously re erotic transference, sounds like the fit could be there.

[MrPink182]

I'm going to wait and see, but see another therapist in the mean time. I dont think that would hurt. You make some good points Sabina, Thanks