[terrip72]

Where do I start. My MIL is a licensed therapist who is now retired. She was diagnosed herself with many many issues years ago. She never even had custody of her own children. She remarried and husband made her get a degree. She uses her abilities to manipulate my husband, myself and my kids. Seems there's always an alterior motive behind everything she says. Hard to know if she's genuine when talking to me or if she again is just abusing power for personal reasons. Nothing you tell her is in confidence. She will run her mouth to other family. She constantly reminds everyone she is a counselor and knows what she is talking about. She was diagnosed herself years ago with numerous issues. She never even had custody of her own children. Remarried man who made her get a degree. Now she knows it all. Just want some thoughts on this. It's driving me crazy. Feel like I can't trust her at all.

First of all, trust your instincts and limit what you say to her so that she has less to work with. It's hard to know your specific situation or the ways she's interfering, but I've always found it helpful to just agree with this type of person just to take the steam out of their efforts, then keep to myself whatever it is I'm really thinking or planning to do.

In other words, you cannot do anything to change how she is, only how you respond. I do think that the less you fuel her behavior, she won't get as much payoff from your lack of reaction than she would if you disagree or show emotion.

[sidney1771]

Watch the show Web Therapy. It will give you lots of retaliation ideas and tactics.

Best advice on how to handle people like this...
1) Don't give them any ammo. Live your life as an open book. The more dirt you try to hide, the happier she is. Squash all of that by living life open. It will come out any way with her, so head it all off and don't give her the satisfaction.
2) Kick her out of your life. You have rights and if your husband can't see what is going on, then explain it to him. Hold back the grandkids and refuse visits. Just because she is family, doesn't entitle them to certain rights.

[Perna]

If you cannot trust her, you cannot trust her. She cannot abuse you or make you feel guilty against your own will. Remember who you are and who she is and what the relationship really is. She can say whatever she wants about what she knows, she does not know you and your family and what is best for them, that is your purview!

I would not share myself, my thoughts and feelings with such a woman. Be direct in dealing with her. If she asks you a question first decide if the answer is her business or not (The answer to, "Will you come to dinner Friday night" is her business, "Of course you are coming to dinner Friday night, I insist!" is not.). You can have other plans even if those plans are only twiddling your thumbs! Stand up and start using, "That's not your business" when she meddles. If other family members do the, "Well, MIL said. . ." then tell them they are to talk to you about you and your family, not MIL, that she does not know what you are doing, want, are thinking, need, etc.).

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by terrip72

It's driving me crazy. Feel like I can't trust her at all.

Have my own experiences with crazy in-laws, and with an in-law that is a T. So I don't doubt your story for a second, and I think the answer is that if you feel you can't trust her, you probably can't.

Then the question is whether or not you want to continue to have a relationship with her. If you want to have a relationship, do not reveal any information you're not willing to have used against you and/or revealed to everyone else in your family. Essentially freeze her out of every piece of information or visiting that is not what you "must" do.

I don't believe in retaliation or revenge, just straight up avoidance and using the minimal amount of words necessary in situations where you "must" communicate. I think it was Confusious (sp?, you know, famous Chinese philosopher) who said,

"Before you enact revenge, dig two graves." Or maybe he said:

"Revenge is like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die."

[LindaLu]

I just heard about a similar situation from coworker whose brother married a woman who started openly having affairs, they divorced, and she went into marriage therapy profession apparently to understand her own conduct. Now she's off damaging other lives in her new husband's family and affecting clients.

Trust your instincts; your MIL is toxic. Anne2.0 is right. Tell her nothing that you wouldn't want the world to know. Keep smiling sweetly. It's poison to people like that and will make you feel better.

[Ad Intra]

Everyone has given you good advice so far and I agree with them all. This women is toxic and not something you, your spouse and kids need in your life. People are people no matter their degree.
Limit time around her. I know often you cant for different reasons but don't stay around longer then you have to.
When talking to her make small talk. I'm sure you know her triggers now so find ways to avoid them, if possible.

[Partless]

I guess that's why knowledge can be used for bad and good, to help and to harm. And therapists are not above that. Her being a therapist does not mean she's allowed to be manipulative or gets to have the last word on things. Treat her the same way you would anybody else who is acting in similarly hurtful way, therapist or not. For instance, if she doesn't keep secrets, hold her accountable and/or don't tell her anymore.