[Restin]

So, I'm finally able to admit to T that i have transference love for her. I know she's going to handle it gently. But when she asks me what my inner child wants from her, I freeze and can't say the words. I do know what to say, but just can't say the words.
We both know that I'm regressed way back to the baby stage of under two yrs old. I know what babies need from mother: holding, nursing, cuddling, loving words, etc.
My question is this: Is there any simpler, indirect way of talking about these primal needs? I wish I could beat-around- the-bush, as they say, but I can't even think up how to do that. I can't write or email either. She already knows all of my wishes but I can't say any of it out loud.

[unaluna]

Part of what i want is, i want my t to know me, to see me. For me to say something, and for my t to know what i mean.

Like yesterday i told him that i didnt have any big demands on me for the next month, and he said, so you will be able to calmly work on project x. And he was exactly right, thats what i was saying, but i was talking around it, not actually saying it. And nobody takes tinier steps in therapy than i do!

[Soccer mom]

I absolutely hated when my T asked me what my needs are. For weeks I would say I didn't know because I was embarrassed. I finally got them out. When she acted fine with one, I would say another. She would ask me where they came from - why I needed it. And most were about her so the hardest part was her not giving in to them. It took me a long time to accept that and I still go through times when I want her to say/do one of them. It will help you and T if you can say them.

[Restin]

Yes, I'm trying to take tinier steps, too. I train horses so know how every lesson must be broken down into little, easier steps. But i don't do that so well in my therapy.
I hated the word, "needs", too, Soccer mom, and embarrassed to admit to any.

Someone at the forum, or another one, said he made a list of words hard to say and the T would go over it every session until he got used to it. It's like re-wiring the brain, in a way. I wish my T would say the scary word and say, "repeat after me" . But my T is very careful not to get ahead of me. She simply doesn't discuss anything I don't discuss first.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Restin

Yes, I'm trying to take tinier steps, too. I train horses so know how every lesson must be broken down into little, easier steps. But i don't do that so well in my therapy.
I hated the word, "needs", too, Soccer mom, and embarrassed to admit to any.

Someone at the forum, or another one, said he made a list of words hard to say and the T would go over it every session until he got used to it. It's like re-wiring the brain, in a way. I wish my T would say the scary word and say, "repeat after me" . But my T is very careful not to get ahead of me. She simply doesn't discuss anything I don't discuss first.

Can I ask what the scary word is? I'm wondering if it would be on my list. I like that idea. I have a two word combination that I won't say and I use another two word combination instead. I think it drives her crazy and she has said I should be able to say anything in therapy. It's not that easy. I couldn't say the word "need" when I started therapy. Now, I can say that word but not the actual things I need/want. I feels so embarrassing.

[guilloche]

Hi Restin...

I don't know if this is helpful, but when I started with my T, it became obvious that I needed to let him know about some trauma from my past, but it's very unprocessed, and I literally couldn't verbalize it or write down the words. My brain just said "NO".

I ended up photocopying a page from a book that happened to have a reference that was close enough to what happened to me (it was a psych self-help book). I highlighted the words that I needed him to know. Then, in the margin, I wrote some clarifications that I *could* write, some details, so he'd have a general idea of what happened.

I found that a million times easier, and it was able to convey the data to him. I don't know that I could have continued therapy if I didn't do this, because he kept accidentally bumping up against my painful stuff and it was freaking me out

Some other folks suggested making a collage with photos (like from magazines or the web), to help show what you're trying to tell, without having to use words.

Could either of those be helpful?

Good luck. It really does suck when you have an idea of what needs to be said, but you can't manage to physically get the words out. It's a really crazy, difficult feeling!

[Restin]

It's ridiculous, but the words or phrases I can't say are like, "I miss you", or "I like you best" or anything mushy or endearing. I feel it but can't say it.
I think this is inner child stuff. My regressed inner child is afraid T will punish her or start up a lecture on independence. Maybe T will even be scared to be liked too much. It isn't words about sex, but about affection and childish dependency. Guilloche, Ill think about that about showing her words on a page.

[Soccer mom]

For months I said "I don't want to want to come to therapy". Then it was "I hate that you have any effect on me". Then it was "I hate that you matter" and then "I wish I didn't care about you". That's where I am now. I can't fathom saying the actual words of I care about you or anything but I guess one day I might be comfortable. Oh and after about 6 months weekly I said I missed her after my sessions. And then I pointed out that I actually said a feeling. I get it! And it frustrates me that it's so hard!!!!

[Soccer mom]

Oh and I can criticize all day long and tell her what she does that bugs me but I squirm at the thought of saying anything loving/positive.

[Virginia1991]

Originally Posted by Restin

It's ridiculous, but the words or phrases I can't say are like, "I miss you", or "I like you best" or anything mushy or endearing. I feel it but can't say it.
I think this is inner child stuff. My regressed inner child is afraid T will punish her or start up a lecture on independence. Maybe T will even be scared to be liked too much. It isn't words about sex, but about affection and childish dependency. Guilloche, Ill think about that about showing her words on a page.

This is me too. I can't say those things either. One time I stuttered out the words "I think I like you too much". It was torturous and I about had a panic attack.

[Soccer mom]

So I wonder why it's so hard for us? And I agree with you, I feel it but I can't say it. That about sums up my last 6 months of therapy. How do we get past it??

[Restin]

Yeah, I'm the same way..it's easy to say the suspicious, negative angle. I could try saying those indirect things that are negative as well as positive. I'm realizing that it's actually dishonest to just jump on the positive side of transference. With so much betrayal and abuse in my past, I'm not so sure I mean all the positive transference talk. There's positive and negative feelings going on, and my inner child literally won't let me jump on just the good side of T.

It's helped a lot to work this out on the forum. Just because I learned i'm in a transference relation with T doesn't mean there aren't suspicions. I need to tell the therapist about the bad treatment I expect even tho I wish so much for the caring.

But I also have a hang-up where I don't want to admit T could hurt me. If I say to the therapist that I won't like her too much because she might leave me, that gives her power and let's her know she could make me feel bad. Sheesh! all this relationship stuff is so complicated!

[Soccer mom]

I've realized that it's almost like I can't take in her nurturing and caring. In fact, I've told her she's not very nurturing or caring. I so desperately want it and some type of motherly figure, yet fight it when it's offered.

[SnakeCharmer]

Restin wrote:

Someone at the forum, or another one, said he made a list of words hard to say and the T would go over it every session until he got used to it. It's like re-wiring the brain, in a way. I wish my T would say the scary word and say, "repeat after me" . But my T is very careful not to get ahead of me. She simply doesn't discuss anything I don't discuss first.

I was one of the people who wrote about that. Not the only one. It's a technique in exposure therapy. It's unlikely that exposure is part of a therapy that also addresses inner child work.

But you could ask your T about it. Most Ts learn about it in school, before they've decided on a particular specialty for themselves.

As a homework assignment, I started out by standing in front of a mirror, alone at home, and saying the dreaded words and phrases over and over while imagining saying them in conversation to other people, like T. It's a form of behavioral rehearsal. But it's a completely different type of therapy than you're doing.

Perhaps you could start out by asking your T's opinion of using such a technique in order to get to the point of saying things that you freeze up on. It's possible it could work, but it's also possible it might interfere with the type of therapy you're doing or your T thinks perhaps it's not right for you or at least not at this time. She may have better ideas more compatible with the type of therapy you're participating in.

If, out in the real world outside of session, you also find it easy to say critical things, but freeze up when saying nicer things or loving things to people in your life ... well, that could lead people into thinking you don't like them or even hate them, when actually you think highly of them. So it's something worth learning how to do for anyone who doesn't want to feel isolated and alone.

What soccer mom said is important, IMO. If we can't offer any of this positive stuff, it makes it really hard to accept it when it's offered. That's about as true a thing as I've ever heard.