[jenny55]

I need some advice on what to do. I see a female T and have been seeing her for a while. She is great but I am thinking of taking a break, never going back or at least having a long gap between appointments.

The problem I have is that every time I see her she just reminds me of everything I missed out on when I was a child – a mum. She is everything I would have wanted my mum to be. Since seeing her I have realised how much I also want a ‘mum’ now (crazy because I am a mum myself and old enough to not need/want this!) but I can’t stop this feeling. There is nothing I want more than to be able to have a coffee and chat with her all afternoon - about normal things though - like I imagine those who are lucky enough to have a good mum get to do.

I will not tell her about these feelings. I am thinking that I need a break from her to see if it helps. I find that I am thinking about it/her too much (like everyday) and I can’t keep going feeling like this.

Has anyone had similar problems/experiences? If anyone has – did you take a break and if so did that actually help? I think if I stop seeing her I will stop thinking about this and maybe it will help. I have never thought like this before I started seeing her. I never ‘missed’ having a mum. Normally it is not an issue for me but I think it is just spending time with her and having it rubbed in my face what I miss out on is really hard for me to deal with.

I think your feelings are pretty common, I have had the thought that my T is the Mom I never had. I'm quite comfortable with feeling this way. I think it is ok to talk about normal things sometimes too, we don't always have to be talking about the hard stuff, it's therapeutic to talk about everyday stuff too. I think about my T a lot too. I think it is a fact of therapy that people sometimes experience this, I have kind of accepted that if I'm going to have therapy this comes along with it, but I see some people on here have said it can diminish with time or with talking about it. I haven't talked about it.

[nicoleflynn]

In therapy you are supposed to talk abut what YOU want to.

[Soccer mom]

NO, DON"T STOP! I went through the EXACT same thing and still am. I first had all these feelings towards this woman I had known for 5 years. THen I realized she had the qualities I never had from my mom. Basically, all of these needs/longings that I had somehow repressed came to the surface and caused me so much heartache. I was finally able to talk about them and admit my feelings. You are finding out what your mom couldn't provide. Now the process will be mourning what she didn't give you and learning how it affects your other relationships. THen, finding out if there are others who can fulfill your needs.
It's not easy, it's very painful and has been the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever been through. But, I am learning so much about how these needs affect my relationships with people outside my family down to my two girls. I thought my childhood was decent and had no idea that I really wanted these things until all the feelings came out. You might look up transference and see if it applies to you. I have both positive (wanting her to fulfill the mom role) and negative (treating her like my mom).
It's coming to the surface for a reason and the best thing to do is push through and DISCUSS YOUR FEELINGS. Your T. will not be surprised and it can be so healing.

[ThisWayOut]

I would agree also that this is something to talk to t about. While it would be nice to think the feelings go away if you don't see t anymore, chances are they will still be there if you don't address them. I've had similar feelings about t's, though with this t it's the more negative stuff. Talking to her about it and admitting to it has helped me get better at identifying that it's rooted in the past, and that most of the negative stuff is not actually about t... talking helped in the past about the positive stuff too. I talked to previous t about all the things I wished my mom could provide (talk about wired experience as I had moved back in with my mom at the time... made it quite painful to come home and find all the stuff I hoped she'd say or do would never happen though she was right there)...
anyway, like soccer mom said, it's difficult to tackle, but may be useful.

[Petra5ed]

Why don't you want to tell her? It doesn't seem so embarrassing. This kind of thing is common and relevant to the therapy. Keep in mind it could always be worse, you could be in love with her and fantasizing about her...

[Bill3]

These feelings will continue to affect your life, whether you think about them or not. I agree that it would be better to talk with T, to work through these feelings, rather than to try to avoid them.