[dj315]

I've been going to therapy through my university's counseling services for a year and a half now. It was originally for severe anxiety and panic symptoms, but has turned into dealing with unhealthy patterns and behaviors and an extremely dysfunctional (and that's an understatement) home life. It took me forever to get comfortable with my T, but I've come to trust him. Or so I thought. I guess therapy started going a little too well because I revealed a huge painful time from my past that still bothers me a month ago. He handled it very well and professionally and whatnot, but within a few days alarm bells started going off in my head and all of my defenses went up. I saw him again two weeks later and could barely look him in the eye. I felt like I had revealed too much. I have a huge fear of being rejected and have had years and years of subtle, yet significant emotional abuse from my father, so part of my brain thinks he honestly doesn't care and I felt stupid for being so "dramatic" in the session. I've also had a lot of depression symptoms in the past couple of months which I have hinted at, but haven't been able to bring myself to admit that they're actually becoming a problem all because of this fear of my T judging me for it. I thought I had made a breakthrough with the vulnerability issue during that session a month ago, but I came crashing down and now I can't get past not trusting my T with anything more than we have already discussed (home life, anxiety, blah blah blah).

I'm currently on a school break until January, and it's my responsibility to contact counseling services to set up an appointment time for next semester. Honestly, right now 99.9% of me wants to just not set up an appointment when the semester comes around and take a break. I don't know for how long. I haven't discussed this with my T. And I'm not naive--I know I want to abruptly stop sessions without discussion because it gives me the power to bolt before he could ever hurt me (even though I know he never would). I'm just wondering if a break right now would be beneficial to me or end up doing more harm than good. I don't know if I actually want a break to sort things out on my end or if I'm bolting and running away from problems I should face head-on with my T.

[JaneTennison1]

Don't run away. It sounds like you are bumping into something very difficult and painful to express. After the break tell your T you want to quit and that this is difficult. Ask what he suggests. Journal your thoughts and feelings and don't quit.

I agree with Jane. Your defences coming up around a difficult topic isn't unusual, even if trust had been progressing well up until now.
This is definitely something your T can help you deal with and understand, and you could do some really valuable work.

[ThisWayOut]

I would suggest sticking it out and making another appointment. The fact that you are bringing it up as running away has me thinking that is what you are doing (because when I come up worth stuff like that on my own and about myself, it tends to be me recognizing what's going on rather than just conjecture from others about what my motivations are).
You are recognizing that t is likely not judging you, but the reaction is a fear of judgement. I'm guessing that has more to do with dad stuff than with t stuff... you can also choose to not go back again at any time even if you make this appointment for the following semester.

[dj315]

Thanks for the responses. I'm glad I have this month-long (at least) break to get my head back on straight. I've had a week and a half since the session to calm down a little now, and I can see that you all are right in that I need to discuss this with him. I've been so good at keeping him in this "box" and pretty much at arms length while still getting a lot of good work done, so letting him into some pretty raw areas completely blindsided me with emotions I didn't even know were there. Even though I was the one who did it. Guess I'm just still in the place where every time I make progress somewhere, it just uncovers another pile of dung sitting somewhere else.