[PaulaS]

I went through a bad termination about two months ago and I´m now really struggling. I try to find a new T at the same time as I mourn the former T and I´m also very frustrated with her and sometimes angry.

I have some more details to share and I feel it´s important to talk about such a hard thing as a termination. I would like your opinions about my termination and my former T:s way of acting.

It´s not a question of talking to her again, I sent her some kind of "final letter" and she answered to that.

In therapy I used to e-mail my T after almost every session (psychodynamic therapy, once a week) and it seemed fine to do so. My T didn´t answer but she brought some things up from the e-mails in the next session. E-mailing isn´t in her regular way of practise but she told me several times that I wrote interesting things and stuff that was useful in therapy. She even once asked me at the end of a session "well, you´ll e-mail me, won´t you?".

After a shorter break there were a couple of e-mails that she hadn´t read yet and she told me, when we started up therapy again, that, and this is important: "As a good mother I´ll print out all three emails and I´ll read them"

Of course I expected her to do so but the following session she just answered me when I asked about the e-mails (as always containing thoughts about things we talked about in therapy) that she hadn´t read them and that she wanted more time to go through them.

She had already said this several times and as she pointed out she would read them as I wrote above, of course I was very disappointed and felt let down. She didn´t explain why and she didn´t open a discussion around the matter.

The second part in the thing leading up to termination was that I was told to read a book, to interpret it and analyse it from my own perspective of my childhood, development in life and so on. It was a really rewarding task, I wrote my analyses and I e-mailed it to her. She received it but wanted to talk about it later but told me she was deeply moved by it.

The thing about the book was that, when I looked it up and read about proffessional litterature analyses of this book, I found that the story in the book was actually about a homosexual relationship (the characters were fictive and the story itself made up). I found it a bit disturbing as I then wondered if my T wanted to discuss the matter of my sexuality and why she wanted me to read this particular book.

This thing about the book and her not reading my e-mails although she said she would made me disappointed and doubtful about her methods. I wrote a couple of e-mails to her after the session and pointed out those two issues.

She then just answered me, also through e-mail, that she didn´t know how to proceed after this "complaint". I was quite shocked as I thought we would be able to discuss the matter in the next session.

She didn´t invite me to a new meeting and I then ,a couple of days later, choose to call her and talk about the issue and to schedule a new appointment. She then says when answering the phone "do you want to talk to me for a special reason?"

I was shocked about this as well as it was obvious that I called her to sort things out, the thing couldn´t be left with her just stating she didn´t know how to proceed therapy.

I told her I wanted to discuss the matter around the e-mails and the book and she then tells me that she´s sceptical about continuing therapy. We hadn´t then even discussed the matter at all!

She didn´t invite to a meeting this time either but said we were to discuss the matter further on the phone another day, we choose a time and hung up.

I really felt abandoned and my trust in her sunk immediately. I felt she just wanted to get rid of me so when she after a couple of hours texted me and said we could have a meeting in person I answered that I didn´t want to attend that meeting.

She had already had two chances of offering me a meeting, when she answered my e-mail and then when I called her on the phone.

We then had a very practically oriented final talk on the phone, just to streighten things up around money and so on. She didn´t say she was sorry or anything but I though know she cared about me and she couldn´t really say "goodbye" in a proper manner but referred to us then having to exchange some documents through e-mail. I mean, you nearly expect a T in that situation to wish me good luck or something.

It was a very strange and important aspect of this matter as my T just a few weeks earlier in writing had told me that she and I were in "real therapy" and that I had related to her, that I had bonded with her.

Her reason now for terminating me was therefore very odd and I still don´t understand it, now after my "complaint" she said she probably wasn´t the right T for me. Just because of those quite minor issues around the e-mails and the book.

To me this seems like she had other reasons for terminating me, everything from her not liking me questioning the sexuality aspect of the book and me finding out about the book analyses to more personal issues.

After we had the "final phone call" I felt very bad and I wrote her a letter and send it to her expressing much of how I felt and that I thought she should have immediately offered me a new session to sort things out. That instead of her just choosing to terminate me more or less completely without discussing it.

She answered to that letter but I didn´t get any further explantion to her acting the way she did. She said I shouldn´t regret the e-mails I sent her with my complaints and that them made her see "more clearly". I find this very remarkable as she has just a few weeks ago stated that we were in "real therapy".

I could understand if I´d threathened her, followed her to her home or something like that but now I feel she isn´t completely honest about the termination. I know she was disappointed with me, I could tell on her voice when we spoke on the phone but there´s no clear and obvious reason for her to terminate.

It isn´t just to "move on and forget" so that´s not what I want to hear even if I of course try, I try all the time, to move on and find a new T. But I also want to be able to sort this termination out a bit more if possible.

This all sounds really painful and confusing. Others may be able to comment more, but it's hard for me to say what happened because you've left out what your communications to her were. Apparently something left the impression that you were unhappy with therapy, maybe to the point of quitting? She referred to it as a complaint, so was there something in there that questioned her ethics or practice? Again, I can't know from your description.

Sometimes, we communicate things without knowing how strong or adamant they come across to others. That could be the case with you (or not). She did offer to meet with you, but it wasn't soon enough for you, so you declined. Going back isn't an option, but you can sort this out with another therapist (which, from reading your other posts isn't going very well either). I agree that you need to work through this with someone. It could be the result of bad therapy or a bad match or poor communication or a pattern of relating to others that needs to be addressed.

[PaulaS]

I showed her I wanted to continue as I wrote to her, in the same e-mail as the "complaints" that I wanted us to find a way to continue therapy. I didn´t question any ethics, just the issues I mentioned, the thing with her not reading my e-mails and the issue about the book.

I told her I was disappointed and that I found her intentions vague.

It wasnt just the fact that she hesitated about offering me a new session, much of it also depended on her attitude against me when I e-mailed her and then after that calling her by phone.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

This all sounds really painful and confusing. Others may be able to comment more, but it's hard for me to say what happened because you've left out what your communications to her were. Apparently something left the impression that you were unhappy with therapy, maybe to the point of quitting? She referred to it as a complaint, so was there something in there that questioned her ethics or practice? Again, I can't know from your description.

Sometimes, we communicate things without knowing how strong or adamant they come across to others. That could be the case with you (or not). She did offer to meet with you, but it wasn't soon enough for you, so you declined. Going back isn't an option, but you can sort this out with another therapist (which, from reading your other posts isn't going very well either). I agree that you need to work through this with someone. It could be the result of bad therapy or a bad match or poor communication or a pattern of relating to others that needs to be addressed.

[Rainydaiz]

It is difficult to say when we don't have all the facts but I'm just wondering whether you think she might have had some counter transference going on; some of her own issues that's you may never have known about. I'm sorry for how it ended. It sounds horrible. I hope you get on well with your new T and are able to trust again. Hugs.

[PaulaS]

I´ve thought of the possibility of her experiencing countertransference but she never said or did anything that gave me any proof of such an event.

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

It is difficult to say when we don't have all the facts but I'm just wondering whether you think she might have had some counter transference going on; some of her own issues that's you may never have known about. I'm sorry for how it ended. It sounds horrible. I hope you get on well with your new T and are able to trust again. Hugs.

[nottrustin]

sounds like a lot of counter transference going on

[PaulaS]

Ok, would you like to explain why you think so? (I know about the concept per se, but in this context with me being terminated). What parts in my post makes you think of countertransference? It´s valuable for me to look upon different perspectives.

Originally Posted by nottrustin

sounds like a lot of counter transference going on

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I showed her I wanted to continue as I wrote to her, in the same e-mail as the "complaints" that I wanted us to find a way to continue therapy. I didn´t question any ethics, just the issues I mentioned, the thing with her not reading my e-mails and the issue about the book.

I told her I was disappointed and that I found her intentions vague.

It wasnt just the fact that she hesitated about offering me a new session, much of it also depended on her attitude against me when I e-mailed her and then after that calling her by phone.

This is a bit of a side issue in your situation, but I think emailing is a mine field in therapy. There is more that can go wrong than right. I think a lot of therapists are learning this as they go along, which creates confusion and unreliability for individuals who get used to it. If I were a therapist, I would ask people to email me if they want to talk on the phone for under 15 min. Anything longer would need to be scheduled.

[Syra]

This sounds so awful. I'm in the same place (more or less). It's so hard to figure out what's me, and what's him, and am I crazy, or is he a bad T and if so, why I did I trust him for so long, and where do I go from here. I wish I had some answers. It helps me to hear that I'm not the only one who had this happen to them. thanks.

[UnderRugSwept]

In the thread http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...rmination.html, you say that the T said that you were not "suitable for the therapy anymore" and she recommended another kind of therapy for you. Regardless of the exact reason (which you seem to be trying to find) for her terminating with you, if she thinks she can't help you anymore, it would unethical for her to continue to work with you as your therapist.

[brokenwarrior]

I'm a tad bit confused about the book... You would be able to go into more detail about that? It's okay if you can't I am just questioning the sexuality part of the book and connection between that and your Ts reaction

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

In the thread http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...rmination.html, you say that the T said that you were not "suitable for the therapy anymore" and she recommended another kind of therapy for you. Regardless of the exact reason (which you seem to be trying to find) for her terminating with you, if she thinks she can't help you anymore, it would unethical for her to continue to work with you as your therapist.

I agree wtih you. It's sometimes the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean HOW it happens isn't important. I've been "terminated" by a therapist who thought he couldn't help any further. In my instance, it was one of the nicest, gentle, caring things I have experienced. He was very kind and very supportive. It was clear he wasn't afraid, and that he cared very much. I could ask any questions. I also felt my opinion was important, and I could call him again if I thought he could be helpful - and he would let me know if he thought he coudl help, or help me find the help I needed. THat's very different than what happened here.

[PaulaS]

Well, as the underlying "message" or story in the book is about a homosexual relationship between two women I wondered if my T used the book to get into issues around sexuality. I in some way wondered if she thought of me as homosexual, or wanted to know if I was, and that she used the book as a way to ask me about it.

When I wrote the e-mail to her about it I expressed it in a perhaps harsh manner as I said I wondered if she had any hidden motives, ie using the book as a way to talk about sexuality.

She then in her e-mail to me said she hadn´t any hidden motives but she never commented on the book itself and why she had wanted me to read it. The book itself was fictional and I think she just perhaps wanted me to do some association to my childhood or something.

But the numberous and well-known analyses of this author, this book and other book she´s written and how homosexual relationships play a important role in the books (even though not openly spoken about) made me confused about why my T used that kind of literature.

Sexuality was never discussed in the sessions though, I didn´t see her long enough to get into these more private issues.

Originally Posted by brokenwarrior

I'm a tad bit confused about the book... You would be able to go into more detail about that? It's okay if you can't I am just questioning the sexuality part of the book and connection between that and your Ts reaction

[Rainydaiz]

I think I thought it was counter transference because it made so little sense to me- how she behaved. I guess it's a way of trying to explain the unexplainable. She seemed to blow hot and cold which made me wonder if she maybe got too close then panicked and withdrew. I guess also the fact they she didn't explain what was going on. This made me wonder if she couldn't explain because it was HER stuff, her unprofessionalism. Ts should be able to take whatever we throw at them. I know that is just complete guessing, but those are the things I picked up on. I might be completely wrong of course. Hugs.

[unaluna]

Was the person who raised you incompetent as a parent? Because you seem overly concerned with evaluating a t's competence. I feel i had the same issue. I remember my first meeting with my first t - he asked me about my relationship with my mother, and i was like, "what does she have to do with anything in my life?" Which was EXACTLY the problem - we had a very distant uncommunicative relationship my entire life. I pretty much raised myself with no or only bad or outdated or irrelevant advice from my parents. That makes me question anyone who presents themself to me as an authority figure.

My only advice is, decide what you want. It looks like you are looking for evidence that this t was propositioning you. I dont think we can tell you that one way or the other. It does sound like you were accusing her of that. I cant figure out why, when she offered you a session, you declined. And you keep finding fault with each new t.

Its as if you are afraid they will tell you something about yourself that you dont want to hear. My experience with this is, my mother tried to put her unfavored attributes onto me. It took me a long time in therapy to realize that these were my mothers fears about herself, not my fears about myself. I would guess that your mother or father had homosexual tendencies but tried to put them on you, while denying those feelings in themselves. That is why it is hard for you to be successful in your career right now, because it would prove them right, you are not a proper woman. So they dont support you or encourage you as
they should. Instead, they stop you, they hold you back.

Or maybe thats just me.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by Syra

I agree wtih you. It's sometimes the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean HOW it happens isn't important. I've been "terminated" by a therapist who thought he couldn't help any further. In my instance, it was one of the nicest, gentle, caring things I have experienced. He was very kind and very supportive. It was clear he wasn't afraid, and that he cared very much. I could ask any questions. I also felt my opinion was important, and I could call him again if I thought he could be helpful - and he would let me know if he thought he coudl help, or help me find the help I needed. THat's very different than what happened here.

My post was only meant to address the OP's question re: a reason WHY the T terminated with her. As for HOW the T terminated with her, I know she was offered a termination session and she chose not to go. And although the OP is clearly very hurt, I don't have enough information to determine that the T did anything unethical.
ETA: Plus I find the details confusing after going back and rereading previous posts.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I really felt abandoned and my trust in her sunk immediately. I felt she just wanted to get rid of me so when she after a couple of hours texted me and said we could have a meeting in person I answered that I didn´t want to attend that meeting. .

If a T offers you a session and you say you don't want it, then she would be reasonable to think that you are terminating therapy with her. Continuing to talk to you on the phone would be considered as wrapping things up in a way that was helpful to you.

I think you terminated therapy, not the other way around. How else could she have interpreted, no I don't want another session?

[precaryous]

Since there was a confusing termination -I doubt you will ever know the real reason T terminated unless you find another T, order your records and process them with new T. Otherwise it is just guesswork.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by [QUOTE

Anne2.0;4167692]If a T offers you a session and you say you don't want it, then she would be reasonable to think that you are terminating therapy with her.

True. However, I don't think offering a final session after 3 or four commnications (sessions, phone calls) that didn't address issues, and saying she is skeptical about therapy from out of the blue, is good therapy. I think that's hurtful and confusing.
I'm not sure if Ts do things (consciously or otherwise) that push the client away, and then say "well, you terminated" is fair to the client.

[PaulaS]

Yes, I think this is a possible explanation as she was very helpful to me and she also wrote me, as I wrote here in my first post, that we were having "real therapy" and that she knew I´d bonded with her and then suddenly she changes apprehension of me and the therapy.

As you say, there should always be an opportunity to streighten things out and that without the T hesitating about even considering a new session as my T did.

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

I think I thought it was counter transference because it made so little sense to me- how she behaved. I guess it's a way of trying to explain the unexplainable. She seemed to blow hot and cold which made me wonder if she maybe got too close then panicked and withdrew. I guess also the fact they she didn't explain what was going on. This made me wonder if she couldn't explain because it was HER stuff, her unprofessionalism. Ts should be able to take whatever we throw at them. I know that is just complete guessing, but those are the things I picked up on. I might be completely wrong of course. Hugs.

[PaulaS]

Well, as I wrote in my post it wasn´t just my T offering a session and I declined, it was more complicated than that and that´s exactly what I explain in my post. This was discussed in my earlier post when I didn´t have the same amount of information but here´s the discussion about me wanting some help to perhaps get perspectives around other matters in the termination.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

If a T offers you a session and you say you don't want it, then she would be reasonable to think that you are terminating therapy with her. Continuing to talk to you on the phone would be considered as wrapping things up in a way that was helpful to you.

I think you terminated therapy, not the other way around. How else could she have interpreted, no I don't want another session?

[PaulaS]

Aren´t a lot of issues in here guesswork then? Of course I understand I won´t get any exact answers in here, who expects that, but to reason around a difficult situation could be helpful anyway.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Since there was a confusing termination -I doubt you will ever know the real reason T terminated unless you find another T, order your records and process them with new T. Otherwise it is just guesswork.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T has told me to read a few books. One of them was very much based in Christianity. I told her that it made me feel uncomfortable reading or talking about Christianity as I've had a traumatic past with that religion. She apologized. She said she hadn't read the book in a long time and forgot about the religious aspect. I told her I enjoyed the concepts of the book, but I just wanted her to know it made me uncomfortable. My point is that just because the book was based on a subject (my book Christianity, your sexuality), doesn't mean that the T is trying to get you to talk about that subject. The beauty of life is that we can often relate to others even though we may have not been in the same situation.

And whether your T terminated because of counter transference or something else, it sounds like there was some miscommunications and misunderstandings probably on both of your parts.

Understanding the way written word is intended to be expressed can be difficult. I was pm'ing someone this week. When I read a response, I at first read it as I did something wrong. I couldn't understand why. But, ironically, we were talking about taking time to respond, so I didn't reply. When I read the msg again, I realized that they felt they did something wrong, not me. Misunderstandings are very easy to make.

The only person who truly knows why you were terminated is your T. We can only guess and our guess is only based off of information you describe. We don't actually know what was said or written.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Aren´t a lot of issues in here guesswork then? Of course I understand I won´t get any exact answers in here, who expects that, but to reason around a difficult situation could be helpful anyway.

I'm not unempathetic to your situation. I've been terminated suddenly. I'll never know why. I hope posting about it makes it clearer for you.

[scorpiosis37]

What book did she recommend to you?