I'm feeling so frustrated with myself right now. Feeling guilty. Been on and off hating t for the last couple days because she told me that I need to focus on moving forward. So after numerous outtakes in the 'dear t' thread, I realize that I don't actually hate her. I hate that she had to say it, I hate that I now feel like I have been wasting time being stuck in the past. I hate that she hasn't told me just how exactly I am supposed to do that - to move forward. I hate that I need her to tell me, because I don't know. I hate that I don't even know how much time I have wasted!! Because I know that I have learned a ton about myself, have made such big positive changes in my life since I started this round of therapy, so I know that it's not ALL been wasted; but I don't know how much time and money I have wasted. I hate that I am thinking that ANY of it has been wasted. My t is fond of saying "You weren't ready yet" about different things, maybe that's true in this case, maybe I just wasn't ready before now to hear "You need to focus on moving forward." Still, I feel some ginormous shift happening inside of me emotionally today. Strangely, I have not cried, and this surprises me greatly. I'm not sure what I'm looking for posting this. I guess I just wanted to get it down somewhere to attempt to put it away for the week, I don't talk to t again until the 10th. Thanks for listening to anyone who got this far!

[CANDC]

Picking out the positives

Your t cares about you and your progress
Your t thinks you are ready now
Your t is not a dictator that tells you how to get better
You know the direction you want to go
you are not sure how to get there - admitting we don't know is the first step to progress. It is like putting an empty cup under the faucet. It can be filled up.
A cup full of presumption does not have any room in it.

The biggest positive of all.

I feel some ginormous shift happening inside of me emotionally today.

This sounds like you might want to be a bird announcing its joy. You have a lot to be thankful for. Thanks for sharing your story.

The message that you have wasted time is coming from you, not your T. Saying it is time to move forward doesn't negate the important work you have done. It actually sounds like your T is stating some confidence in you that you are ready to move forward. It is a shift, a very important one. I remember finally getting to that point myself. Don't panic about not knowing where to start. It will take time, but it will come.

Originally Posted by CANDC

Picking out the positives

Your t cares about you and your progress
Your t thinks you are ready now
Your t is not a dictator that tells you how to get better
You know the direction you want to go
you are not sure how to get there - admitting we don't know is the first step to progress. It is like putting an empty cup under the faucet. It can be filled up.
A cup full of presumption does not have any room in it.

The biggest positive of all.

This sounds like you might want to be a bird announcing its joy. You have a lot to be thankful for. Thanks for sharing your story.

that bolded part especially - thank you!! I really really like that "A cup full of presumption does not have any room in it." Is that perhaps what a good chunk of therapy is, emptying that cup of presumptions so that we can then fill it up with healthy stuff? Wow, just, wow!!

Originally Posted by lolagrace

The message that you have wasted time is coming from you, not your T. Saying it is time to move forward doesn't negate the important work you have done. It actually sounds like your T is stating some confidence in you that you are ready to move forward. It is a shift, a very important one. I remember finally getting to that point myself. Don't panic about not knowing where to start. It will take time, but it will come.

You are SO right that the negative message about wasting time is coming from me. It doesn't sound like my t's voice at ALL and I didn't recognize that until you pointed it out.

It makes me feel better to hear that you recognize the shift I'm feeling - it's weird feeling it while at the same time not knowing where to go from here. I'm not going to quit, in fact I changed my mind and emailed t to let her know I want to talk about this next time. Thanks again!!

[SnakeCharmer]

Art, I've read most, maybe all, of your posts in the Dear T thread on this subject and watched you and 15 working this out in your mind and through writing about it.

It's highly unlikely you've wasted any time at all. Before moving forward, we have to spend time figuring out where we've been and where we are now. That's prep work for what lies ahead. Naturally, you don't know how to move forward. If you did, you would have done it already with no fuss or bother. It's not something that comes naturally to those of us who've known trauma.

It's a process, it takes time, we backslide -- or I did and my friends did, everyone I know did from time to time, so it's likely you'll experience it, too. That's all part of the process as we slowly figure out what it means to move forward and where we're heading. Your T is there to be your guide and helper and cheerleader if necessary.

Moving forward takes all of us out of our comfort zones and naturally 15 rebelled against that and put up a fight for a while. You've done important work right here in the forum, venting all that anger and frustration and rebellion. When your T come back from holiday, you will be ready to say, Okay, what now? You'll be ready.

You've done excellent work. Nothing wasted. I wish you the best in the New Year.

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Art, I've read most, maybe all, of your posts in the Dear T thread on this subject and watched you and 15 working this out in your mind and through writing about it.

It's highly unlikely you've wasted any time at all. Before moving forward, we have to spend time figuring out where we've been and where we are now. That's prep work for what lies ahead. Naturally, you don't know how to move forward. If you did, you would have done it already with no fuss or bother. It's not something that comes naturally to those of us who've known trauma.

It's a process, it takes time, we backslide -- or I did and my friends did, everyone I know did from time to time, so it's likely you'll experience it, too. That's all part of the process as we slowly figure out what it means to move forward and where we're heading. Your T is there to be your guide and helper and cheerleader if necessary.

Moving forward takes all of us out of our comfort zones and naturally 15 rebelled against that and put up a fight for a while. You've done important work right here in the forum, venting all that anger and frustration and rebellion. When your T come back from holiday, you will be ready to say, Okay, what now? You'll be ready.

You've done excellent work. Nothing wasted. I wish you the best in the New Year.

Thanks for that!! I think that's exactly what this shift is that I am feeling today, this, becoming ready to say "I'm ready to do this, what's next, T?" And "rebellion" - yes - precisely. This is all so fascinating, isn't it?

[JaneTennison1]

If it helps at all I am with you 100%. I have spent soo much time trying to trust T and really the trust was there all along. The kindness and the patience she has for was always there, I hurt too much to really see it. My wounded untrusting way of thinking stopped me from moving forward and recently T pushed me there.

I spent weeks hurt and angry and it feels like I just woke up and could see clearly.

I don't think everything until now was a waste. You did what you could to get here and now you are here its the start of the next phase. It's ok not to know where you are going, you have T beside you all the way.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

If it helps at all I am with you 100%. I have spent soo much time trying to trust T and really the trust was there all along. The kindness and the patience she has for was always there, I hurt too much to really see it. My wounded untrusting way of thinking stopped me from moving forward and recently T pushed me there.

I spent weeks hurt and angry and it feels like I just woke up and could see clearly.

I don't think everything until now was a waste. You did what you could to get here and now you are here its the start of the next phase. It's ok not to know where you are going, you have T beside you all the way.

Thanks it sure does help knowing you relate; the whole "it's not just me" thing you know? Yes I believe you are right. It is the start of the next phase. It's time for me to start telling those negative voices inside to hush up and instead start thinking "bring it on t - let's do this!" She has been beside me all the way so far on this journey, and I trust her.

I think 'you need to move forward' is one of those remarks that well, is quite useless.
In recovery we spiral into recovery.
It should be taken at the clients pace.
I'd say just by engaging I the process you are attempting to move forward.
Put the statement back to your T. Tell her you do find it helpful.

[harvest moon]

What is beautiful, but at the same time quite frustrating, about 'moving on' in human beings is that a person is like a wave, not like a missile, meaning progress looks like the movement of the waves. We might move 10 feet forward and then go back 9.90! But, still, there is this 0.10 that is gained. As long as there is movement...

The only thing I can say is that I'm in exactly the same place as you in therapy, experiencing all these feelings you described. Sending hugs and hope!

[Perna]

I think anything that stops us in our tracks going the *wrong* directions, makes us think hard and turn around and wonder how to start walking in another direction, is all time well spent? Nothing happens wholly at once? Think of a boat drifting automatically downstream with the current when the person in it decides they want to go somewhere upstream instead? They have to stop the boat and get it turned around (not easy!) and then work very hard paddling against the current instead of going with it. That's not to say going upstream is better than drifting downstream, but just that previously you were going one way and now choose to go another.

I thought of my T as a guide of sorts, someone who may have been where I have not yet. Yes, I am smart/intelligent and well traveled but if I have not gone to the City, while I could go there and figure things out on my own it does make a little more sense to talk to someone who has been there.

I made that mistake when I went to London. I used the Internet and made my own plans when I had an online friend who lived there (and who I was going to meet in person) who wondered why I did not consult her? I ended up pretty far away from where I wanted without even realizing it and caused myself time, money, and logistics problems that I didn't have to? I could get on my case and berate myself but I learned the lesson and that is generally what experience is for? Next time I go I will talk to my friend and let them help. I found therapy to be like that, learning how to do stuff better rather than finding fault with myself for having done it wrong in the first place.

Originally Posted by Perna

I think anything that stops us in our tracks going the *wrong* directions, makes us think hard and turn around and wonder how to start walking in another direction, is all time well spent? Nothing happens wholly at once? Think of a boat drifting automatically downstream with the current when the person in it decides they want to go somewhere upstream instead? They have to stop the boat and get it turned around (not easy!) and then work very hard paddling against the current instead of going with it. That's not to say going upstream is better than drifting downstream, but just that previously you were going one way and now choose to go another.

I thought of my T as a guide of sorts, someone who may have been where I have not yet. Yes, I am smart/intelligent and well traveled but if I have not gone to the City, while I could go there and figure things out on my own it does make a little more sense to talk to someone who has been there.

I made that mistake when I went to London. I used the Internet and made my own plans when I had an online friend who lived there (and who I was going to meet in person) who wondered why I did not consult her? I ended up pretty far away from where I wanted without even realizing it and caused myself time, money, and logistics problems that I didn't have to? I could get on my case and berate myself but I learned the lesson and that is generally what experience is for? Next time I go I will talk to my friend and let them help. I found therapy to be like that, learning how to do stuff better rather than finding fault with myself for having done it wrong in the first place.

Good analogy I like that, about the boat! Thanks!!

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

that bolded part especially - thank you!! I really really like that "A cup full of presumption does not have any room in it." Is that perhaps what a good chunk of therapy is, emptying that cup of presumptions so that we can then fill it up with healthy stuff? Wow, just, wow!!

Artemis, yes the first step in any process is to get rid of our expectations, opinions and presumptions. With an empty cup we can go into any area and be receptive. Hope therapy is a good avenue.

Private message me if you have other comments or questions as I may not get back to this post again.

[catonyx]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

that bolded part especially - thank you!! I really really like that "A cup full of presumption does not have any room in it." Is that perhaps what a good chunk of therapy is, emptying that cup of presumptions so that we can then fill it up with healthy stuff? Wow, just, wow!!

I too like this cup analogy. Accurate. I'll keep that in mind.

THANK YOU everyone!! I sent t an email with a short version of all that I've been feeling the past couple days and reminded both of us that I am not a quitter and I am not going to quit even though I don't know how to do this thing that she told me I need to do. I asked her to throw me a bone and she did - she reminded me to have faith in the process and when I read that, I realized that by golly, I do... and that's why I emailed her; that's why I spent the time I did on PC doing my workings-out with 15 on the dear t thread and the stuff here. I'm not going to quit. Thanks again ya'all. PC'ers are awesome support!!